House with in-laws

[ByLivelyBiscuit]

Sorry in advance that this is a long read!
My DH and I live in a small town where he grew up.
DH’s brother and his wife, my BIL and SIL also live in the same town.
DH’s mum and her husband used to live about 3 hours away, until she decided she wanted to move back to where we all live.
MIL travels a lot and is abroad for large parts of the year. MIL and her husband are very well off.
The next we hear is that MIL and BIL/SIL are all going to build a house together. A plot has been purchased, and a gigantic house will be built for them all to live in.
BIL is a builder so he will carry out the project.
MIL buys the plot, pays for all the work to be done. Intention is that when the new house is ready BIL&SIL will sell their house to pay for their half.
Fast forward, and new house is done and they are all happily living together.
BIL&SIL’s old house is still not sold. They have rented it out, and have just agreed another tenancy so it won’t be sold in the foreseeable.
The plot alone cost more than their old house was marketed for, and so there will be a shortfall when it is eventually sold. Apparently any difference will be a loan. The new house has been put in BIL’s name, MIL does not own it, but has paid for everything.
In order to make things equal, my DH was given a sizeable lump sum.
I am very conscious that it sounds like my issue is about the money side, and to an extent it is - my BIL&SIL are now at a significant financial advantage, and live in an enormous house, but what gets me is the lack of transparency about the whole thing…. It was just a done deal with no discussion which I find hurtful. It seems like my MIL chose her favourite child and DIL to live with.
Now that they all live together, they spend much more time together, their kids relationship with their grandparents is different due to living together, plans are made without us, information is shared that we find out about last/not at all, the expectation is that all events like Christmas will be held there as they are in one place and it is huge.
AIBU to be upset about it all?

I didn't say it was

Comments about it being MIL's money are being deliberately cruel and lacking in empathy. Ultimately the decision is a very physical and clear demonstration of unfair treatment between siblings, and favouritism. No decent parent should be engaging in that, and of course it is emotionally damaging, no matter your age, to be shunned, especially in a very public way. However OP, as someone on a similar place to you (not to the extent of houses, but it still hurts to see my DH and children being treated as second class compared with the favoured ones, and how sad it makes them), I do think this arrangement has the potential to go very, very wrong, perhaps in several ways over time. Take heart in that.

I'd also consider this a lucky escape , you couldn't pay me enough to live with my mil and I love her , or my parents for that matter.

My DH is the better but unfavored son.
the difference in treatment is vile and I will never like or respect my mil because of it.

That said what you have outlined here is my dream scenario….

In order to make things equal, my DH was given a sizeable lump sum.

you have a load of cash and no obligation to look after mil and partner in old age.

I'm guessing you are jealous about the shiny new house and passive rental income. I think you need to reframe it.

• BIL provided building work which has opportunity cost and takes time and effort. Good building work costs a fortune these days a good foreman in London makes 150k+ per year. Unless your DH could have done the same you couldn’t have realised this opportunity so let that one go,
• no sane person wants to be living with their BIL/SIL AND PIL
• now she has so clearly hitched her wagon to BIL you can freely say “look to BIL for support with appointments etc”
• their utilities will cost a fucking bomb (we have a 2000sq ft ish semi and the bills are disgustingly high)
• maintaining the house will be similar (again we spend at least 5k -10k pa on ours if not more)
• they will be obligated to the in laws whilst you are free agents.
• you have a nice bag of cash you can do whatever you want with.

Save yourself a lot of drama and reframe it.

I think that’s it - it feels like a really public rejection of my DH, our kids, and me.

Sounds like moaning over nothing!
You got the best deal for sure!
Also sounds sweet that the MIL will have family support as she ages and everyone gets along well. Why cause a drama? Did BIL build the house also?
Be thankful you arent living in it! Lump sum and privacy, win win

@ByLivelyBiscuit my advice is to never get involved. You are fortunate to have been given a lump sum.

There is a high chance that down the line there will be problems. You and DH should respond with - we were not involved at the start and are not going to become involved now. We will not take sides. We will not mediate.

You dodged a bullet so count your blessings !

Does your dh mind as much as you thought op? It’s not a rejection- it just all kind of clicked into pls e and probably snowballed quickly. Like others I think you have the better deal, I’d say there’ll be issues

I’d be thanking my lucky stars I dodged all that.

I can imagine my sibling doing something like this. They’d decide they wanted the plot of land and big house but knew they couldn’t afford it so talked DM into it. I get you feel left out and hurt but I imagine it was more a means to an ends on both sides. Try reframing it - would you truly want to live like that? Do you want to be the carer as the DM ages and needs support? Living together there’s no way out of that. If the answer to both questions is yes then maybe speak to them about using your lump sum for an extension? If the answer is no, then I guess you need to let it go.

I second this. I would think that care for MIL will fall to them when the time comes in this type of arrangement. My friends MIL lived with them and looks after their children a lot. They will have to care for her in old age in exchange for this arrangement. There isn’t a house grand enough in the world to entice me into this situation. Count your blessings that you had a lucky escape I say

They will have to look after mil in her old age. You definitely got the better deal

It would be one of my worst nightmares to live with my PIL (although I do get along with them and they've always wanted us to move in together). I think you got the better deal.

MIL wishes to live with family. She has to live with one child right? She chooses the one that she is most comfortable with. Both parties are happy with this arrangement. what are you suggesting? MIL must live a lonely miserable life to be able to leave OP more money? 💰

If your MIL didn’t have all that money, would you still feel the same? Your post seems to sound like your biggest issue is the size of your BILs new house and that they kept their old house.

Yes, it does sound like you're fuming about the money OP.

No, you have still not commented if your DH is even remotely bothered by any of this.

You seem very upset that YOU were not consulted in family affairs that are nothing to do with you as it's not even your Mum!