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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Abusive husband arrested but I'm not coping

46 replies

Lostinlife245 · 04/01/2025 09:47

I need some tough talk/advice. Been married for 10yrs, together for 13yrs. Have 3 kids together.

Husband is controlling and abusive (never physical) and it's been getting worse over the years. Before Christmas I reported everything to the police, then changed my mind and asked for him not to be arrested.

The police went ahead regardless as they considered it "in the public interest" and he was arrested 4 days ago. Released on bail conditions that he can't contact me or return to family home. He's now awaiting trial for coercive control, abusive & threatening behaviour, sexual assault and child neglect.

I'll be honest, I'm an absolute MESS. I lurch from relief to extreme guilt and distress. I feel like I've f**ked up my life. He is a high earner and financially provides for us all, i am a low learner and can never provide the same lifestyle for me and my kids.

I am wracked with guilt, sorrow and can't stop crying. I feel like I've fucked up his and our life, taken my kid's father away, and I don't know how to cope alone.

I know people will say that I did the right thing / I've been conditioned to feel useless without him, but honestly I just need some words of advice / moral support / kindness right now, and hope that things will be OK and get better. Please help me feel like i haven't fucked everything up and that I'll get through this xxx

OP posts:
Yazzi · 04/01/2025 09:50

One minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. Just survive the minutes at this stage and you will over time find your way.

You are so brave, and must love your children so much for taking such a brave step. I know you feel full of doubt and fear now. But in five years you will look back and know it was the right choice.

All my love xxx

AlteredStater · 04/01/2025 09:50

My dear, you did do the right thing, in time you will see that more clearly. For now, go easy on yourself, you've been through an ordeal and cannot think straight, understandably.

Things will get better, that's for sure. Your lifestyle isn't as important as the love you have for your children, that's priceless. As the PP said, take things one day at a time. hugs

saraclara · 04/01/2025 09:51

If the child neglect and sexual assault definitely happened (and presumably you would have reported it if it didn't) then of course you've done the right thing. Quite apart from protecting yourself, you're duty bound to protect your children.

I know this must be incredibly stressful, though.

Offcom · 04/01/2025 09:52

So much respect for you taking this very difficult step. No wonder you’re having so many complex, intense feelings, who wouldn’t in the same situation?

wendyla · 04/01/2025 09:52

I think you’ve been incredibly brave to take this first and hardest step. Like the pp said, just take it a few minutes at a time.

You may do better out of this financially than you think, but that is for another day.

Focus on being Mum for now and you will gradually start to feel stronger, I promise you. Future you will be so grateful for this!

curious79 · 04/01/2025 09:54

‘He's now awaiting trial for coercive control, abusive & threatening behaviour, sexual assault and child neglect.’

you sound more worried about the loss of money, but honestly, if that’s the environment your kids are in - he sounds a terror - they would be better off poorer but safer.

You need to get your ducks in a row financially

Catza · 04/01/2025 09:55

You took an abusive and a criminal father away from your kids. That's the best thing you could have done for them..
Take it from me who was a child in a similar position. Yes, my mum and I lived in poverty for most of my childhood but I would 1000 times that than living in a household which is abusive and threatening. The day he was arrested was the happiest day of my life as we could finally go to bed feeling safe. I haven't talked to him since I was 11 and my life was not impacted by it one bit.

ArabellaScott · 04/01/2025 09:56

My dear, you are in shock. It will probably take a long time and much kindness to yourself before you can begin to recover.

Be extra gentle. Have you good support? Flowers

GRCP · 04/01/2025 09:58

As a child, if you could choose to either live in an abusive household with more money, or a happy, non-abusive household with less money, what would you choose? No child wants their childhood sold for a "nice lifestyle".

user1473878824 · 04/01/2025 09:58

You’ve absolutely done the right thing, and the best thing for you and your children who will have such better lives because of this. And you will too. It’s scary now and yes, life will change a bit, but it’s still going to be so much freer, safer and happier. Stay strong, @Lostinlife245, you can do this xx

ArabellaScott · 04/01/2025 09:58

And also: it is astonishing how strong we can be. You will be okay.

All will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well.

Rachmorr57 · 04/01/2025 09:58

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Comingupriver · 04/01/2025 09:59

What’s done is done. Pull yourself together for the kids. They’ve been through a lot and need you now more than ever.

SauvignonBlonk · 04/01/2025 09:59

You haven’t fucked up OP. You’re now on the path to making it better. Have you got support in real life?

Unrelated38 · 04/01/2025 09:59

i am a low learner and can never provide the same lifestyle for me and my kids.

The lifestyle of living with an abuser? Money isn't everything.
You're doing the right thing. You will get through this bit and you will all be happier and healthier for it.

YOU haven't fucked up his life. HE has fucked up his life. It is HIS behaviour that has caused this. Keep that on repeat in your head "He did this. This is happening because of him."

Upstartled · 04/01/2025 10:01

It's been four days, of course you are a mess. This is just a human thing, not a you thing, not a thing you need to undo or fix. It's just a process that feels shitty but you just need to keep going.

WidgetDigit2022 · 04/01/2025 10:03

Do you really think he’s providing a nice lifestyle for your kids? Do you think they don’t or won’t see the abuse and neglect?

He provides money but also fear and anxiety, this will be damaging them and they don’t deserve it.

He won’t change, you all deserve more.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 04/01/2025 10:08

You know in your head that you’ve done the right thing but it will take a little while for your heart to catch up, as you’ve been conditioned to believe that you love this man.

From someone else who had to make that call and have someone I loved arrested to protect my children, I can assure you that one day in the not too distant future you will be so proud of the hard decisions you made to protect your children and yourself. Screw him and what happens to him. Money isn’t everything and you’ll be fine, presuming your married what’s his is yours and a divorce settlement will factor in your circumstances being left as the sole carer. And you’ll find once your head is clearer from not living with an abuser and living in fight or flight mode 24/7 you will be able to make better choices for your family.

Please don’t doubt for one minute that you’ve done the right thing. It took me probably a year - and some anti depressants - to really be ok. But now I’m thriving and happy and my kids are away from the man who scared us on a regular basis.

SensibleSigma · 04/01/2025 10:11

This was the only way to keep your dc safe. You’ve given them a better chance at a healthy adulthood, with safer relationships than yours has been. Stay strong.

The practical elements will settle with a bit of time. Right now you are in shock and recovery. You will be ok.

JFDIYOLO · 04/01/2025 10:12

Well done, OP! 👏 👏👏

You did the right thing, for your children, for yourself and even for him. Your hard-found strength has prevented far worse happening.

Please keep all messages, text, emails, voice mails. You may need them as evodence. Don't answer the phone if you're alone or with the children.

Believe what he threatens. He's shown you what he is. Believe him.

Your mind is reeling at the moment, and you're casting about for some way in which you're to blame, because he's brainwashed you into thinking that is the usual situation.

Do you have family, friends to be with you?

And remember you're married - you co-own everything.

Speak to a solicitor and get a firm grasp on your rights.

Pussycat22 · 04/01/2025 10:24

Yazzi · 04/01/2025 09:50

One minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. Just survive the minutes at this stage and you will over time find your way.

You are so brave, and must love your children so much for taking such a brave step. I know you feel full of doubt and fear now. But in five years you will look back and know it was the right choice.

All my love xxx

Edited

Lovely advice . Hope she had friends or family to talk to. If not Domestic abuse societies have people to talk to .

BellissimoGecko · 04/01/2025 10:26

Having money doesn't make up for living a life full of fear.

You have done the right things to protect your kids and you.

YOU haven't done this; HE has done this.

Take each day as it comes. It's only been four days; you will have lots of difficult feelings.

I'd take this time to get your financial ducks in a row too.

Doggymummar · 04/01/2025 10:27

Well done. I sat on Jury Duty for those exact same charges and it was harrowing to hear. He was found guilty and sentenced to 14 years and not allowed to contact the children on his release. The look of relief on the families face told us we had had the right decision.

cestlavielife · 04/01/2025 10:27

coercive control, abusive & threatening behaviour, sexual assault and child neglect.

These are massive problems and not worth any ££
High earner? He will have to pay child maintenance
Longer term as dc grow you will find your own income

Well done fir getting away
Get counselling support
Get legal support
You are the hero of this life story

Wonderingpigeon · 04/01/2025 10:34

Don't think ahead just focus on now and the kids. You are in the thick of it, so you will feel wobbly. Also when it gets to this point it's usual to second guess yourself, or start dismissing yourself which is what makes you feel guilty. He for a long time is all you have known, over time in abusive relationships their behaviour becomes your "norm" to step outside that bubble is new and scary a different life you don't know yet.

Just focus on survival and go with the motions for now. Just eat, sleep and wash. It's all out of your hands now and you have no power over anything but you and your kids x