Abusive husband arrested but I'm not coping

[Lostinlife245]

I need some tough talk/advice. Been married for 10yrs, together for 13yrs. Have 3 kids together.

Husband is controlling and abusive (never physical) and it's been getting worse over the years. Before Christmas I reported everything to the police, then changed my mind and asked for him not to be arrested.

The police went ahead regardless as they considered it "in the public interest" and he was arrested 4 days ago. Released on bail conditions that he can't contact me or return to family home. He's now awaiting trial for coercive control, abusive & threatening behaviour, sexual assault and child neglect.

I'll be honest, I'm an absolute MESS. I lurch from relief to extreme guilt and distress. I feel like I've f**ked up my life. He is a high earner and financially provides for us all, i am a low learner and can never provide the same lifestyle for me and my kids.

I am wracked with guilt, sorrow and can't stop crying. I feel like I've fucked up his and our life, taken my kid's father away, and I don't know how to cope alone.

I know people will say that I did the right thing / I've been conditioned to feel useless without him, but honestly I just need some words of advice / moral support / kindness right now, and hope that things will be OK and get better. Please help me feel like i haven't fucked everything up and that I'll get through this xxx

You're showing your children how life should be and how brave you are. Standing up to a man particularly in a high power position as well as navigating the police and court system makes you very strong.

Hold on to what prompted you to report him and how much courage that took.

I wish you all the luck and strength in the world to get through this stage but I know you'll look back with relief and hopefully pride.

as an adult who grew up with a controlling coercive abusive father, I wish my mother had done what you have done! She is still with him now and stayed for the 'lifestyle' but believe me, as a child and now I would have rather grown up in poverty than live in fear of him.

You have done the right thing and your children will be so proud of you when they grow up for having the strength to do this.

Stay strong ❤️

18 years ago I could have written that. He eventually smashed my body to pieces. Please know that you are incredibly brave and take all the real life support you can get. When the solicitors letters arrive, don't be daunted by them, he will be paying them to write those letters and it doesn't make them the truth.
Police don't bring charges lightly and know that ultimately you are protecting your children and no amount of being a high earner makes what he's been doing ok. With that level of emotional abuse its literally only a matter of time before he turns on you physically.
In the mean time, one step at a time. The Women's Aid website used to give a very useful list of documents you should think about collecting together, marriage certificate, birth certificates, passports, banks statements etc, use this time to gather that information together.

This man has conditioned you to feel dependent on him, likely through a combination of isolating any friends and family you have, making you financially reliant on him and ruining your self esteem and any self confidence you have about being able to cope alone. It’s therefore understandable that you feel how you do. It has however left you with a distorted sense of reality, which is why you’re questioning if you’ve done the right thing. The voice that led you to the police though is the part of yourself that has a true perception of reality. You must keep trying to reconnect to that voice. You know this is wrong. You know it’s not better for your children to be exposed to abuse in order to protect this man. You know he deserves this. You know you are stronger than you think, as if you weren’t resilient and able to cope how would you have survived this relationship for this long?

Now is also the time to reach out to any friends and family you have left or any friends or family you think you can re establish relationships with. Telling them everything acts as a further safeguard for you and your children and will help you with having an accurate perception of reality when you are having wobbly days. Have you also been referred by the police for an IDVA? They will also be invaluable. If not, please find a local charity that can offer face to face support.

You've been in an abusive relationship for a long time. I imagine your been told a lot of things that aren't true for a long time. Things about your worth and how you won't manage, survive, find happiness, without him. I know it's scary but continuing a life with him is unthinkable. You need to protect yourself and your children from him. Take things an hour at a time. It will get easier.

@Lostinlife245 you already taught your kids a really important lesson - not to keep quiet when awful stuff happens ‘for the money/because they paid for stuff so they must care’. They will be able to go to bed at night feeling safe.

Think about how you would feel if a friend told you this. You’d think she is brave and trying to do right by her family. You would probably be a bit in awe of her.

Now pretend that friend is you. You are that brave person.

It is still raw and you’ve been through trauma - but you will come out the other side.

You’ve absolutely done the right thing for both yourself and your children. You didn’t deserve the abuse. And your children don’t deserve to grow up in a household where they see their mother mistreated. If you have a DD, would you want her believing that’s what love is? Equally, if you have a DS? I say this with kindness. Keep posting if you need support, there’s an army of women here who want you and your DC to have a better, happier life x

Well done on reporting him to the police. How you feel is all part of the abuse, feeling like you can’t cope and are not good enough etc. You will cope and in time you will start to feel stronger and more able to see how he has ground you down. Have you been in contact with any of the domestic violence charities? They can help, also there is a 12 week programme called the Freedom Programme, which is available in most towns. You can self refer and that can help you make sense of the cycle of abuse and his behaviours and how to avoid them in future. Good luck you have done the right thing.

I’d consider calling women’s aid 08082000247

they can offer some practical help and support about some of you’re concerns

you did the right thing, and it’s understandable it feels overwhelming

The police don't just blindly charge everyone who is ever accused of domestic violence. They review the evidence and apply the Code for Crown Prosecutors (realistic prospect of conviction and public interest). They've charged him with those serious offences because they think that is warranted on the facts. This isn't your fuck up, it's his - and his alone.

You did the right thing. Children don't need a high earner in the family, they need love and safety and to have adults modelling good behaviour. Well done you.

He's now awaiting trial for coercive control, abusive & threatening behaviour, sexual assault and child neglect.

You have done the right thing, else the police wouldn't have arrested him.

His money will mean nothing to your children if they're watching you be controlled, abused, threatened and sexually assaulted and they're being subjected to child neglect.

They deserve to grow up in a home full of love and care, as do you, instead.

Please ask for support with counselling, a support group, social services if necessary to help you see that you've done the right thing for everyone concerned. Please.

Any consequences are as a result of HIS choices and HIS actions. You didn't get him arrested, he got himself arrested with his behaviour. I've been where you are and I understand the guilt but reframe your thinking.
You do not have the power over the police and courts to get anyone arrested/found guilty. You do have the power to report behaviour which is unacceptable. The fact the police have arrested him and laid charges is down to HIS behaviour.
Just take it day by day, hour by hour, and try to embrace no longer living in fear of him and enjoying the peace

You're comparing this week and NOW with last week and the week/month before. And you know, it was okay, and at least he wasn't violent, and well it wasn't THAT bad. No. Stop thinking like that. You shouldn't compare THEN to NOW. Compare THEN to how you'll feel in a month. How you'll feel in 6 months. 2 years. Compare a life of abuse, fear, walking on eggshells, constantly second guessing yourself and deciding not to do XYZ because of HIS reaction.....with a life where you do what YOU want, where you and the kids can laugh and be happy without fear of the monster in the next room, where you choose to believe in yourself rather than what he tells you about yourself, where you wake up on a Saturday morning and have a whole peaceful weekend ahead of you knowing there's no arsehole knobhead who's bound to spoil it.

Don't compare how things were, to this week. Compare it with the future that awaits you.

Call a counselling service today and get booked in. Contact women’s aid for support. There should also be a domestic violence witness support you can contact that offer further help. Op you are terrified of the changes understandably, but when you have adjusted you will realise you have been in the fog of abuse and will be able to objectively see that this can not go on any longer. Not for another day.
For your children’s sake this is the best outcome. And for you, in time.

Get professional help (assume the police would have suggested support agencies) Write an honest journal of what’s happened, if you feel a wobble go back and read it that it really was that bad.
Make plans - easy ones - like have a movie night with the kids & get pizza delivered.

Do you have any real life support? Do you have family that you are close to and who could help you at this difficult time.

The fact your DH was arrested 'in the public interest' means that his behaviour was probably extreme and that made him an objectively dangerous person.

He may be a high earner, but he has been arrested for crimes including child neglect. Surely his wealth pales into insignificance when considering the benefits of removing his toxic presence from your chldren's lives.

U say u can't afford the lifestyle he provides and feel bad for this. Ask yourself what lifestyle?
I'm sure when they are adults they will tell u being poor but happy, is waaaayy better than being rich and abused. Cos this affects them too. They will have triggers now already to the abuse. Do it for them always. Don't go back, so what if u had a big house or loads of money. It means nothing without happiness.

Thank you from your children since they can't say it (yet). ❤️

Keep posting op, we'll get you through this x

He's now awaiting trial for coercive control, abusive & threatening behaviour, sexual assault and child neglect.
You'd rather tolerate that for money than live a safe life for
you and your kids?
Money is not the important thing here, many women have left with the clothes on their back and rebuilt their lives.
Do not let your children grow up in a violent abusive home.