To ask how to get over being embarrassed?

[Meh7]

We live in an HA house that’s on a mainly owned estate. The houses are small but it’s a nice quiet place to live. We have given up our bedroom so our kids can have a bedroom each.

I’m embarrassed to have people round, especially play dates for my 8 year old and when they have been to others houses their houses are amazing. I’m aware this is probably a me problem and that most people wouldn’t be judgmental but I guess I’m worried about my child being embarrassed or even other kids saying things as they get older. We only have one large room downstairs and a very small kitchen so wanted our youngest to have their own room so that they could play in it and have friends round. I just feel like I get one job done in the house and find something else I’m not happy about.

Is it just that my child is friends with some well off people or are we an anomaly?

I’d love to have all new internal doors as I think it’d make a massive difference to how the house looks but it’s a big expense for a house we don’t own, and at the end of the day we will still only have a small house?

I really would love to just not care what people thought 😢

Kids don't normally care, they more judge entertainment and snack.

Parents may judge but if they do they are not very nice.

Be proud of yourself for keeping a roof over your kids head and making sure they are provided for.

I grew up like this, OP. I can assure you, I wasn't embarrassed then and I'm not embarrassed now. I am probably living the furthest flung life from my childhood, and I still remember it as being idyllic. I'd go back in a heartbeat. None of my friends cared, and if their parents did, then my Dad didn't give a shit because he did his damn well best.

Sod anyone who has a bad thing to say. You're giving your children stability, and you care. That's what's important.

Where do you sleep if you've given up your bedroom?
I wouldn't give a crap about what other parents might think. When I was a kid my best mate lived on an estate and I didn't really notice. They got an ice-cream van visiting them and we never did! My friends live in various size houses from tiny to large and no-one cares, the kids all love playing in each others' houses.

Thank you, I drive myself bananas thinking about it and worrying and I don’t want my kids to not have friends round because I grew up like that. I would just hate for them to be ashamed.

What's the lay out of your house, is there an extra downstairs room which is your bedroom?
Most people don't care about your house, and children certainly don't..

We have a fold up mattress that we sleep downstairs on

No it’s an open plan living room with dining area.

To be honest, I'd want my children to be friends with kids who didn't care about superficial/materialistic things so I wouldn't go above and beyond making everything perfect, as long as your not leaving dirty pants on the bathroom floor you'll be fine!

I had a few (slightly) stuck up friends when growing up and they loved coming to my house because it was an 'anything goes' type of house, where they were all used to strict rules and routines and not leaving a single thing out of place.. I used to hate going to theirs!

I grew up in a house with no bedrooms. None. My parents slept on a fold out couch in the living room and I slept in the kitchen. Other than that we had a small bathroom. If your children are anything like I was growing up, they don't care. You're giving them everything they need and a wonderful life of love and happiness, and that's all that matters.

What age are your children 8 and? Are they B/G?

Your DCs will love their house because it's their home, with you. They may well come home saying 'wow I went to Olly's house and it's enormous!' But that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with your home.
Just think of the people who are living in a hotel room in temp accommodation, a teeny flat or a one bed house that is overcrowded. People with a three bed semi will want a 4 bed detached and those with a 4 bed detached will want a 5 bed with a swimming pool.
Enjoy your home and your DCs and don't worry about what other people have, you will drive yourself mad. Also, I do think it's a bit bonkers that you don't have a bedroom. I always shared a room with my sister when we were kids which was and still is very normal! If people judge you on the size of your home then they are not worth being friends with!

There’s nothing wrong with your set up but also, there’s nothing wrong with siblings sharing a room. I was always jealous of friends that shared a room with their siblings!

When I was a child we were never allowed to play upstairs or have friends upstairs. When friends came round we just played in the garden or the front room. Bedrooms were for sleeping and I shared with my two sisters! Genuinely, children don't mind.

I think the things kids care about most are snacks, and how welcome they’re made to feel. It doesn’t matter how nice a house is, kids know if they’re being tolerated rather than welcomed in a friend’s house. If you create a warm and welcoming environment they will love spending time at your house, even if it’s smaller than other people’s houses.

I don’t agree that ‘kids don’t care’. Plenty of kids are very quick to point out the inadequacies of a friends house. We live in a four bed detached with recent renovations and a decent sized garden and yet we still have kids come through finding fault with the garden, size of the rooms, the car!!! Some kids I won’t invite back as they make me feel so crap.

Given that the OP is sleeping on a fold out mattress and you're living in a 4 bed detached house, I think your comment is really fucking insensitive.

As I said earlier in the thread, I grew up in a house with no bedrooms. None. No bedroom for me and no bedroom for my parents either. Just two rooms: kitchen and living room. I was very happy and it didn't occur to me to compare to others. I was raised right.

The little shits moaning about your house and garden aren't being raised right, and you need to give yourself a good shake for being bothered by their comments when you are lucky enough to have the house you have.

OP, I can understand your embarrassment but the old adage, " People who matter, don't mind, people who mind, don't matter", is very true and worth keeping in your head.
FWIW, I grew up in a HUGE house, but, and it's a big but, it was a vicarage, ( in East London in 70s, so no heating, austere, dark).
I was CONSTANTLY ashamed about bringing friends back, almost invariably there would be a homeless person on the steps up to the door that either my parents were making a sandwich for, or ( as I got older and my parents were out, I'd have to do it, before being able to play).
Once I brought a friend back and a couple who'd come to see my father about getting their banns read before marriage started attacking one another in the hall.
But my abiding memory is my friend, who sat on and burst the oil-filled breast prosthetic that a parishioner had bizarrely decided to take off and put on the chair beside her at our kitchen table, forgotton about and left.

You've done a very selfless thing in giving up your bedroom for your children.
Keep your head high, feel proud of yourself and be the good, kind and CONFIDENT person you really are.

@GiddyRobin lovely post.

OP my children have a bedroom and a bathroom each. Ten years ago they were sharing a bedroom and we still had an outside toilet. They’ve got the same friends now as they had then, who range from kids with swimming pools to kids who share their room with several siblings. The people who’d look down on you because of your house aren’t worth knowing.

We have 3 children in total, 3 bedrooms however the older kids are different genders to each other and I don’t think it’s fair making a 16 year old share with an 8 year old. Eldest will go to uni this year and we will use their room while they are away. I’ve always been like this but because the older ones are close in age they didn’t pester for play dates as they had each other 🙈

I think kids like that are a good litmus test for deciding who gets to spend time in my house, and whose friendships I'd encourage with my kid. Don't like my car? Well you can't fucking look at it if you're not invited. 😅

5 years ago I was where you are now but my eldest has moved out. Don't be ashamed, be proud, you're giving the kids everything you can for them to have a good life. My kids are proud I did that for them (for 10 years) and they are also genuinely grateful.

But... I remember the feeling of inadequacy/shame. Please be kind to yourself, you're a wonderful mother who is putting the children before yourself.

What age and gender are your 3 children

If your kids are happy to have their friends round then go with it. Children see things differently to adults and what bothers you almost certainly won't bother them. Or any decent adult either, tbh

I wouldn’t judge and most dc at primary age don’t notice. Even my y8 twins think one of their friends is Richard because they have a massive garden… it’s a HA three bed semi. They have no concept. But they remember the fun they had on play dates - baking biscuits with friends, dancing round the living room, pizza while watching a film. Make your homing loving, fun and welcoming, that’s what they remember.

OP, have you looked at how inexpensive wood trims can be used to make doors look better?
My friend had a huge reno job that was going to take a couple of years and she did this and painted them and they were a great job until she could get the salvage ones she wanted.

Also look at how bunks can be used to divide a room into a space that gives each child some privacy.

You sound like a great mother.
The most important qualities are that children are kind, have nice manners and are nice friends to be around.

Children as they age make their own choices and nice parents want their children to have nice real friends.