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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My 18 year old told me last night about something that happened at the swimming pool when she was in Year 7/8

64 replies

JMSA · 03/01/2025 14:29

I don't know how we got onto this last night, but 18 year old daughter and I were having a chat, and she opened up about it.
When she was in first year of secondary school, she was at the swimming pool with two of her friends (I wasn't there). A man was in the swimming pool with his little daughter. My daughter estimated her to be 2 years old.
The wee girl was captivated by my daughter and her friends, and they were being nice with her, chatting and playing. My daughter said that the dad was acting a bit creepy towards them, so they moved away. Shortly after, he got out of the pool with his daughter, and was clearly erect.
I don't know what I expect any of you to say. I don't even know why I'm posting. I just feel disappointed and angry that this happened to my daughter - and her friends - and that this happening to a grown man was her first experience of what it means to be sexually aroused.
I also wonder about his daughter and hope that she is ok
No man in his right mind would think that it was acceptable to leave the pool like this.

OP posts:

WorkMisery · 07/02/2025 12:07

I’m not surprised your dd didn’t tell youX

its not easy to talk about.

i some bad experiences as a child and my mum was naive and uptight so it never occurred to her to talk about “these things”.

My dd is now a teen, and since she was age 9 I’ve talked to her about what she might be shown online by friends, or sharing concerns about creepy men who had been following girls home from school. She talked a lot about her y6 male classmates sexually inappropriate behaviour and how horrible it was (she decided to go to an all girls secondary school). And so far she says she hasn’t had to deal with anything unpleasant… but who knows if that’s true.

I really hope my dd would talk to me about something unsettling - I can’t be sure she would. It’s difficult as kids don’t like chatting to parents about this stuff.

AffableApple · 07/02/2025 12:14

Mamabear300 · 07/02/2025 11:25

I'm glad your daughter has been able to tell you even though its a few years later. As others have said I would revisit this and see if there is more to tell, just incase there is . ( I hope there is not)

I could tell many 'stories' of different things happening while I was a child of varying ages. There was actually a 'local flasher' that police could never seem to catch and when they did another popped up!

One main incident that sticks in my head is being 15 in school in a technology lesson. I needed help and the male teacher come right behind me leaning on me and it was creepy. I told him to get off me a called him a peado, all the girls had seen him looking at girls in their skirts and had a 'wrong un' vibe about him. There was a phone call home and I got absolutely rail roaded for what I said and made to apologise.
I left school some months later and my dad brings me the newspaper telling me a teacher from my school had been sacked and jailed for being a peado.

It was the same teacher I had called a peado!! so I pointed this out to my dad and told him I knew I was right 😬.

In terms of swimming I swam competitively for a club. photos and video taking ect had to be banned because male spectators were creeping into the girls changing rooms and videoing the girls getting changed ect. These were often relatives of someone in the club. It makes me sick to my stomach that there are so many women/ young girls that can recall such awful events happening to them or others around them.

I hope your dad was horrified and apologised to you. Predatory teachers feel like the worst of them all.

Cyclebabble · 07/02/2025 12:27

In our second year (25 years ago now) at school we had a new music teacher. He would have been early 40s, suited and well spoken. After a few months he started to invite those girls who were playing instruments in for a private assessment at lunchtime. He got us to play our instrument and then put a board on our lap with some music to play- he held one side. As we were playing he manipulated the edge of the board towards my crotch. At first I thought it was accidental, so I moved a little away. Then it happened again. The look on his face also made it clear this was no accident. I became flustered and quickly left.

He did this to a number of girls and in frankness we were afraid to complain. Feeling (I think rightly at that time), that we would not be believed and that we would be the ones to feel consequences. A younger teacher overheard us discussing what had occurred and joined in the conversation. He quietly but quickly disappeared, but probably off to predate elsewhere.

I think abuse is more common than you think and it is really important OP that your DD gets to talk and also that she knows she would be listed to if she reported this. We would not have been, but I would like to think things have changed.

insomniacalways · 07/02/2025 12:34

A flasher repeatedly targeted my junior school playground as a public lane ran down the side. It was an all-girls school. We got told if we saw him someone should run and find an adult and the rest of us should close are eyes and scream very loudly. My mum told me I should point and laugh! 80s safeguarding was a bit odd. I'm sorry this happened to your daughter and I am glad she told you.

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 07/02/2025 12:43

On a positive, your daughter told you so trusts you... x

comoatoupeira · 07/02/2025 12:50

Praise her for trusting her gut, and encourage her to keep practicing making smart choices and responses to situations

Mumsgirls · 07/02/2025 12:53

Many years ago, a dance school ran socials for young teams 13 and upwards.
You would learn to dance ballroom, but to pop music and there were also some, smoochy slow dancing. A married couple ran the place and taught. It was the only option in town for our age. The rule was, you could not refuse if someone asked you to dance. They allowed one older guy to attend as a helper, her was probably 30 but looked older. He was very unattractive and looked like a creep.

My first time he asked me to dance, I was 14 and mortified, he pressed himself against me and as I now know was aroused and erect. He also had foul breath.
I soon learned to be on my guard and ran to the ladies if I saw him coming. Soon I met my boyfriend, a year older which gave me protection. This was over fifty years ago, but now am disgusted that this was allowed. Obviously, not as bad as what some young girls go through, but a nasty way to lose some of my innocence. The owners put this needs of this creep ahead of innocent young girls, who were paying customers. Sadly all too common in those days and we were all too intimidated to move away or complain

Errors · 07/02/2025 12:58

Betchyaby · 03/01/2025 17:32

I remember getting beeped at by 3 cars on the way to a Yr 6 school disco.
My dad nearly battered some bloke who commented 'yum, she's got the pose' when I was having a street caricature done in Portugal aged 13!

I remember being on holiday with my family when I was probably 9 or 10 and going to this restaurant where the waiter asked my name and kept repeating when he came over to the table “beautiful errors, you are so beautiful” and “we will run away together and get married”
My parents just thought it was funny and we went back there to eat a few more times. My mom even teased me about it for ages afterwards.

I just remember feeling really uncomfortable and scared by it

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 07/02/2025 15:33

My DH knocked over a man who was sitting on a wall near the park, right into the garden behind him, because he was making dodgy remarks to our then 9 year old.

dizzydizzydizzy · 07/02/2025 15:47

Sadly I think this is typical. In both primary and secondary school I had quite long walks home from school and I was always getting lewd remarks from men or they flashed. First time it happened, i was about 8. It never particularly upset me - I just made me think the men were idiots. I told my mum a few years ago, by which time I was at least in my 40s. She was shocked.

OrlandointheWilderness · 07/02/2025 16:19

Ozgirl76 · 03/01/2025 15:42

So I wouldn’t be saying that most men can’t be trusted - but you’ll get different advice depending on people’s experiences. I haven’t ever had to deal with a sexual assault and the men I know have all been just nice normal people or actually really lovely. But that’s only my experience.
I think teaching her to listen to her inner voice and not worry about being polite to a man is excellent advice.

I have to agree with this - I've never had a bad or worrying experience like this and the men I've know have been lovely generally. Some have been twats in adult life, but normal run of the mill wankers, not sexually so. I'm obviously bloody fortunate and I hope to god my DD is as fortunate.

liveandlearn73628 · 07/02/2025 16:38

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 07/02/2025 15:33

My DH knocked over a man who was sitting on a wall near the park, right into the garden behind him, because he was making dodgy remarks to our then 9 year old.

Good for him!

PassingStranger · 07/02/2025 16:44

rainbowbee · 03/01/2025 17:02

A friend and I experienced a creepy man trying to grope at us. We were on a mostly school bus, in school uniform, aged 11/12.
Not all men, but always men, and just about all women have a story of some adult male perving at them at that age, sometimes sadly worse. I hate what they take from us.

I think that's true.
A female relative of mine had a bad expense in the 1940s when she was a young girl. It's always gone on sadly.

Maray1967 · 22/03/2025 13:59

OP, I think it’s important that your DD knows she and her mates did the right thing - they moved away. Some girls and women feel awkward about going this but it is important. I’m wondering whether this pervert took his child swimming deliberately to attract the interest of girls.

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