I just feel so sad for DS

[Aneena]

DS is 10 and ExP has always been pretty hands on even after we split up. We were on good terms after we split 7 years ago, he would pick DS up from school multiple days and generally has gone out of his way to be around, even when inconvenient.

About a year ago ExP got together with a mutual friend. I see her through a friendship group but I wouldn’t meet up with her just us two. She has been kind but restrained to my DS and I do think her heart is in the right place.

But a few months ago (July time I think) she moved ~2 hours drive away and ExP followed to be with her. Since then he has tried, he’s FaceTimes a lot, comes up at weekends… but the fact he’s around a lot less is very noticeable. DS is just so quiet and you can see it’s breaking his heart. He talks about his dad being far away (he was literally down the road before) all the time.

They recently announced they are expecting a baby in March. I had no idea, and found out at the same time as DS when she came up along with ExP for the first time in ages. No time to think about how to approach it with DS. He is so sad. And he didn’t hide it. So ExP was quite mardy he didn’t get the happy reaction he wanted when they turned up for the big reveal. I stood up for DS in front of the both of them, and said it’s a big shock for him, just because he wasn’t over the moon straight away doesn’t mean he won’t be excited once it sinks in. He’s a child and allowed to feel uncertain about something big. So now ExP isn’t very happy with me and they have accused me of spoiling a special moment.

I think DS will come round and ultimately love having a baby around. But he comes across as feeling pushed out already and it’s horrible to watch. How to navigate this? I think the person he really needs support from is his Dad, but after this it has been very strained between us for the time being. I’ve tried to call but ExP just keeps telling me how hurt him and his girlfriend are.

I want my DS to be happy and excited too - but I’m not going to force him to reject how he is feeling?

I think that exP is a twat for moving two hours away. There's no way they can maintain a decent relationship like that so the baby thing doesn't really matter. Sadly, I think that you need to prepare for a slow fade as pregnant partner and new baby take up all of exP's time. He's just getting his excuses in early.

Your Ex and his new partner are adults. They can handle their feelings accordingly.
Your son is just a child. This will be a big change for him.

Your Ex could have handled this much better.

I agree with you, OP.
I voted YANBU.

Your poor son.

If I were you, I'd read your Ex the riot act about the way he's treated your son and how badly he handled the pregnancy announcement- but then I'm hotheaded.

Your main priority is obviously being there for your son- let him share his feelings without any judgement and reiterate that what he is feeling is completely understandable.

I'm glad your son has one parent who isn't a complete shit.

I think the big thing for me is it’s just so many big changes at a time.

in the course of 1 year DSs dad has gone from seeing him basically every day, picking up from school, taking him to clubs.. to:

• getting a new partner
• moving away with her
• having a new baby
• seeing DS almost exclusively at the weekends

any of these, we could deal with. But all of them in a short space of time?

and then to be mad that DS isn’t doing cartwheels about it all?

I definitely think you’re not being unreasonable. I wouldn’t discuss it with your ex though. I would grey rock him and help your son have the best relationship possible with his Dad in the circumstances.
(And have a good vent on here because it is very sad and unnecessary).

yanbu

but tbh I would prepare for your ex rarely, if at all seeing your ds going forward. I feel for your ds

Your ex is starting brand new life. She will keep him occupied

It’s just so unfair and if I stick up for DS then I’m the bitter ex. (Which I will do obviously!)

I have been nothing but supportive to ExP and even his new GF, purely because the most important thing was DS and his relationship with his dad who he idolised. I never wanted to be accused of creating a bitterness between them and tbh I never had reason to.

It really feels like I can’t win.

Thank you

sad and unnecessary about sums it up I think

I always said I would never grey rock anyone but honestly it’s tempting right now

Your ex and his partner are selfish t* . Your poor son.
You don’t sound bitter at all and you’ve said absolutely the right things. Stuff them if they want to make assumptions about you being the bitter ex . Thats on them. Pair of losers for how they have behaved 😢

Please reassure your son that he shouldn't bottle up what he's feeling and that he doesn't have to hide that he has many different emotions about it all to make others happy.

I had a very similar experience growing up but no-one reassured me that it was ok that it hurt.

Sadly, I think that you need to prepare for a slow fade as pregnant partner and new baby take up all of exP's time

Unfortunately I have to agree, and you'll probably need to gently prepare your son for what lies ahead. Adults can be so utterly selfish.

What kind of a twat stages a big "baby reveal" in front of a 10 year old? Then gets his feelings hurt because the poor kid can't quite process the whole thing? (Obviously that was a rhetorical question !)

Good job standing up for your DS. He has a right to be upset, and I wouldn’t expect him to “come round” and love how his absent father is now having a baby that gets to be with his dad every day when he is absolutely being pushed out and left behind.

There is the admirable objective you have of supporting DS having a relationship with his dad, but don’t cross over into defending your Ex when he is deeply hurting your DS.

I want my DS to be happy and excited too..
There are times when you should empathise with your DS and validate his sadness as a normal and reasonable reaction to what is happening. It is batshit to even hint that he should be happy and excited about this. Now is the time to reassure him you aren’t going anywhere, that he will always have you there prioritising him.

A 10 year old has no reason to be excited about a baby
Just keep supporting your ds

I’m not sure you understood my point in your last part? Or maybe I’m misunderstanding.

I don’t mean it in a “I think he should be happy about this and won’t support him” way.

I just mean in an ideal world he would be excited about a new baby. Because he would be secure enough in his relationship with his dad to not worry. I don’t think it’s batshit to accept reality but wish this were the case.

basically, I want to see him happy.

Would help dc to talk to a counsellor or therapist? Then it would also give the option for yourself and his dad to have sessions. Might help dc manage his feelings and ger his dad to acknowledge why dc is so sad.

Your ex and the new girlfriend are a pair of selfish twats. The ex should concentrate on being a decent father to his current child rather than having a new baby with someone he barely knows.

Jesus this man has the sensitivity of an onion, your poor son.
Thank God he has you to advocate for him, don't stop even if your Ex chucks a tantrum

Sorry I was confused by you saying
*I think DS will come round and ultimately love having a baby around.…” implying he needed to come round from his wrong thinking

also
in an ideal world he would be excited about a new baby..
That world doesn’t exist not even when a couple with one child that are still together have a new baby. It’s very common for the first time a child experiences a younger sibling being born to have negative feelings and worries about it.

I can see you want him to be happy, but it is ok for him to be sad for a good reason like this. His happiness doesn’t depend on being excited or happy for his Dad.

This is what I would explain to ExP. Add that obviously you and he will your upmost to ensure DS feels supported through it all, but to a large extent the circumstances will be very hard on him regardless. Any extra efforts he can make to ensure DS sees him prioritising their father-son relationship will probably go a long way to making sure DS doesn't feel pushed out.

I would reassure him (despite feeling that you want to punch him) that you will doing all you can to encourage DS to think of this sibling as a wonderful new family member rather than someone taking his dad away, but that he as dad must remember that HE has the biggest say in how DS feels about it all. That DS has already taken the move hard (probably harder than dad realises) and needs time to catch up on just how much he misses having his dad in his life on a daily basis.

Basically dad has had his head in the sand about the effect on DS. You are the only person who can set him straight, but it's a very hard thing to do without sounding blaming and making him defensive. I think its worth having a go at for DS's sake as he's obviously a man who does/did value his relationship with his son highly.

In what world does anyone think a 10yr old that has been frankly dumped by his father for a new bit of skirt is responsible for his father's emotional health?

He is being really immature to only consider things from his side, the more he blames his eldest the more it's clear he knows he has been shit but doesn't want to suffer any consequences, he is awful.

I would get your boy into therapy, he will need to talk to someone about this and his abandonment.

You did the right thing by validating your sons emotions, shame on his father and new partner.

in an ideal world he would be excited about a new baby..
That world doesn’t exist not even when a couple with one child that are still together have a new baby. It’s very common for the first time a child experiences a younger sibling being born to have negative feelings and worries about it.
I can see you want him to be happy, but it is ok for him to be sad for a good reason like this. His happiness doesn’t depend on being excited or happy for his Dad.

I don’t think I’ve said anywhere that it’s not ok for him to be sad about it or that the expectations is he should be excited. I’ve only said that I want to see him happy, and that it’s hurting me to see him like this. Of course it’s ok for him to feel sad about it. I have said this to ex.

it just feels a bit like you are trying to pick holes in what I’m saying

I think your DS is lucky to have you as his mum, advocating for him, understanding his emotions and doing the best you can to facilitate a good relationship with his dad. You sound like a really fab mum.

Your son's dad, however... Getting annoyed that a 10yo wasn't happy about a new baby - how incredibly, incredibly immature of him. YANBU to be sad for your son - it is sad.

It’s also just such a shock for all of us in many ways. I would never have expected ExP to behave like that. I sort of wonder if its been a lot of big adjustments for him too? I don’t want to blame GF because I do know her a bit and she is a bit bland but nice enough. And we have a lot of mutual friends. And of course she is also important to consider.. her child will be related to mine, and it can’t be easy having a baby with someone who already has a child. If it were me I would want all of the attention on me and my special new baby!

So your ex thinks your son should be happy that he's being left behind while ex starts a new family? Or pretend?

No. Surpressing his feelings about how his dad went from seeing him every day and being included in his life to limited contact with even less in the future is not emotionally healthy. It's pretty normal to resent new sibs initially in the same family.

Your son might need to talk to a therapist about his feelings and how to adjust to such a big change in his life and how to deal with negative feelings.

Your ex is being unrealistic here. He wants your son to put on a happy face so he doesn't have to feel guilty that he put new woman ahead of his child. I'm sorry your son is having to deal with this.