I just feel so sad for DS

[Aneena]

DS is 10 and ExP has always been pretty hands on even after we split up. We were on good terms after we split 7 years ago, he would pick DS up from school multiple days and generally has gone out of his way to be around, even when inconvenient.

About a year ago ExP got together with a mutual friend. I see her through a friendship group but I wouldn’t meet up with her just us two. She has been kind but restrained to my DS and I do think her heart is in the right place.

But a few months ago (July time I think) she moved ~2 hours drive away and ExP followed to be with her. Since then he has tried, he’s FaceTimes a lot, comes up at weekends… but the fact he’s around a lot less is very noticeable. DS is just so quiet and you can see it’s breaking his heart. He talks about his dad being far away (he was literally down the road before) all the time.

They recently announced they are expecting a baby in March. I had no idea, and found out at the same time as DS when she came up along with ExP for the first time in ages. No time to think about how to approach it with DS. He is so sad. And he didn’t hide it. So ExP was quite mardy he didn’t get the happy reaction he wanted when they turned up for the big reveal. I stood up for DS in front of the both of them, and said it’s a big shock for him, just because he wasn’t over the moon straight away doesn’t mean he won’t be excited once it sinks in. He’s a child and allowed to feel uncertain about something big. So now ExP isn’t very happy with me and they have accused me of spoiling a special moment.

I think DS will come round and ultimately love having a baby around. But he comes across as feeling pushed out already and it’s horrible to watch. How to navigate this? I think the person he really needs support from is his Dad, but after this it has been very strained between us for the time being. I’ve tried to call but ExP just keeps telling me how hurt him and his girlfriend are.

I want my DS to be happy and excited too - but I’m not going to force him to reject how he is feeling?

your ex is a selfish pig! Did he ask you if you were able to pick up all school runs and clubs etc mid week?

how is planning weekend contact? To stay in the area every other weekend?

my ex moved 2 hours away when my son was very young and discussed nothing with me so I’ve had to do everything alone as well as working full time and relying on other parents, it’s not easy. He comes up every other weekend and stays local with family and I have nothing to do with the driving etc.

Our son is mid teens now so sometimes he tells him not to bother coming up but he’s never done a school run or clubs etc.

i imagine once the baby comes he won’t be up every weekend.

I would wager that guilt and fear are driving your exp reaction.

I think he probably feels guilty about moving on/ away and maybe scared about the new baby's arrival, and it's coming out as anger projected at your son, because his reaction confirms your exp worst fears. No one wants their child to feel rejected by them. It's not a sign of good parenting. His ego is stopping him from accepting your son's reaction. He needs to grow up and put his son first. That's my take on it anyway.

Your ExP sounds very selfish. Your DS is allowed to feel however he likes over the situation. You were awesome in standing up for your DS as he was unfairly put on the spot.

I feel so sorry for your son.
His dad literally picked a girlfriend over him and moved away.
Not a job. Not a necessity. A girlfriend.
And suddenly a baby.

And he's annoyed son isn't jumping for joy? WTF. Son can see himself being pushed out of his life.

Your ex needs to grow the hell up

Your DS has every right to feel completely let down and pissed off. Telling him this should help him worry less about his own feelings and anxiety. He’s at a delicate age pre -teen. Validating his feelings is the best thing you can do. No need to sugar coat your ex’s decisions.

Oh your poor little boy! Sadly this is a tale as old as time - family number 2 with New Woman and New Baby tales precedent and your son will notice. And I have never know family number 2 to approach any of it with sensitivity.

I hate to say it, and I wish I was saying different, but you have years of heartache so I think you should consider now how to navigate it. Try not to slag exH off no matter how tempting but always validate your son’s feelings.

The thing is about preteens is that, even if you hadn’t divorced your ex, in 2-3 years time he’s gonna wanna spend less time at home and more with friends, so it may be a natural flow away from his dad anyway (hopefully you won’t be blamed like my friend currently is because he 12yo doesn’t wanna travel 3 hours every Friday she w ants to see her pals).

It’s so upsetting that men are capable of detaching themselves from their children, once a new opportunity comes along to build a relationship and new family unit. It happens all the time. They really are emotionally stunted twats. Unfortunately there’s nothing you can do. He will just dig his heels in and not take responsibility for anything he has done. All you can do is be there for your ds when he’s upset, and try to maybe enrol a male role model to be there for him too, such as a member of your family - brother or similar.

Yes, he sounds like the 10 year old. I'm also reminded of the David Brent scene in The Office where he announces redundancies and adds that it's good news for him though as it means a promotion. It's that level of sensitivity from your ex.

Your poor DS. His dad is a total total twat. It’s good that he has you to rely on…. I do feel for him. I hope is okay, with lots of love and support.

What's your DS relationship with your ex's side of the family like?
Is there any other adult males on that side of the family?

ExP & woman are being self-centered and their behavior is baffling.

Can they not put themselves in DS shoes?

Never is child is “happy” that their dad is having a new baby with another family. It’s always a conflicted situation. Dad is moving on without me….. cannot believe they thought he would be jumping w joy, sexist too, a girl might be excited about a baby … less likely boy going to be that interested in an infant & mysteries of childbirth.

It almost seems like they are using this situation to break the already thin ties with DS and you. Like, they have no time now for DS, will have NO time when new baby arrives.

Really selfish & sad.

YANBU.
Your ds has every right to be upset. His dad is moving on and your ds feels pushed out. He is a child and him being upset is natural.

All you can do is emphasise that you have his back completely, listen to his worries, be there for him, love him, reassure him that his life with you is stable and safe.

Your poor son. You are obviously trying to be fair to everyone but your son is your main priority. You can't promise your ex that your DS will react as he wants but repeating, as you have done here, what a great relationship they used to have might remind him what the child has lost. Perhaps you haven't told your ex how sad your DS has been since he moved away (and he would probably blame you for trying to make him feel guilty)? I don't think everyone can be happy here, sorry.

Apparently are both slagging me off now. I’m not supporting them in creating a blended family and it takes a team? (I’ve seen the messages)

luckily have a wonderful group of friends who have stood by me, after all they have seen how much work I’ve put into creating a good environment for DS, to help facilitate a good father/son relationship for them.

How tf has this happened?

Ex has put his profile picture on all SM as one of him and DS as well. Something we agreed we wouldn’t do 🙄🙄🙄

No advice but you sound like a great mum ❤️