Were you happier single? Fed up with lazy partner

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I have been living with my partner for just over 4 years now. At the beginning of the relationship he was quite helpful with housework. He would see me cleaning etc and he would join in-happy life. Fast forward one year, I had to ask him for help with housework- this would result in him moaning and saying I was taking his day off away from him, that he needed to rest, not a child to be told what to do , that I have OCD etc etc . I have pointed out many times that we are both FT workers and we BOTH need to rest but his selfishness is blinding; will always find a way of turning the argument against me labelling me as a moaner and the selfish one.

Fast forward 4 years, argument after argument over this as I became less tolerant of it, he will wash the dishes after eating and change the odd bulb...will cook sometimes and wants praise each time he does it. He does not see a relationship as a partnership and I think that's where the problem starts. I can tell he is confused as to the little work he does should be seen as a BIG help, a favor he does to me whereas I think it's only 10% of the work to be done...I don't get any praise for the 90% I do day in and day out. There is an imbalance in how the roles for each person are perceived in the relationship but it is pointless as he won't acknowledged it. He mentions that the previous generation of women were " the real women" and didn't moan.

As much as I don't like to be by myself and need company in my life, this situation is taking my peace away. I find myself having sleepless nights over this as I am so annoyed at his laziness. I now leave his washing for him to do which he called me selfish for; I cook what I want, which he called selfish for; and I am cleaning less which I hate as I cannot cope with a dirty house; he would live in a zoo and wouldn't notice.
I am slowly detaching (85% I would say) from this relationship. I had more rest and was happier single....even looked younger. Anyone in similar situation? Were you happier single?

I'm much happier single than I was in any of the relationships I've been in. The flipside is I feel lonely at times but overall the peace is well worth it. I would never be with anyone who made life miserable for me. Life's too short.

Yanbu......I'm secretly writing in red pen on my 2025 calendar the derogatory shit that gets spouted at me on a daily basis......today we only have two...."fuck off" and "you speak a load of shit you do"......its all evidence.....ltb now.....I was in your position a decade ago.....trust me, it only gets worse....this year, 2025 will be my year!

I've only lived with one man and we had an excellent division of labour so not easy to say what I would have put up with. I'm widowed now but cannot imagine bearing with that shite. It's the preening, self-congratulatory attitude of the DP that sticks in the craw.

Sorry, OP, not answering your question: he's dreadful. Bin him off. He's not worth your peace of mind.

Sounds like you and @Dunnoburt need to do a Thelma and Louise and disappear into the sunset away from these utter morons. Can't promise Brad Pitt but you will have happier freer lives.

I've got a feeling that, deep down, most people would prefer to be single. I mean, they'd prefer their own space, with the freedom to sprawl out on the sofa or bed, eat like a pig, not have to worry about someone else's moods and emotional baggage, etc. Living with another person is hard beyond words. It's also unnatural. Sex and love are natural, but being cooped up in a small brick box day in day out, sharing a toilet and TV and kitchen sink with someone totally unrelated to you...that isn't. Problem is, most of us also want intimacy and love and companionship. There is no solution.

Not in my relationship now, but after previous ones my workload massively reduced after splitting up. The men seemed to be net producers of mess and work! Loved living alone, would not be scared to go back to it. LTB- it sounds as if he doesn’t respect you at all- and good luck to you!

What is he adding to your life?

Lol well there is a solution. Living apart but spending time together. You then have your own place to chill and relax etc but get together when you want for company and sex.

It's the way my current relationship has worked for the last 8 years

I am much happier single. I choose happiness and a simple, drama free life.

I'm absolutely blown away by how much happier single I am.
I've been in short, medium and long relationships.
They're always the best at the beginning so now im doing single plus one little one every time I get the, um, urge.

I think people’s response to this will depend on the quality of their relationships!

I am happier single as I don’t think I have the emotional energy to date.

But somebody in a very supportive relationship would think very differently.

I never get people who would prefer a poor quality partnership to being single though. It’s very odd to me but each to their own.

Crikey. I responded after your thread title. I was talking about being happier single EVEN WHEN the guy is ok. Then I read your op. You will definitely be happier single than with this horror of a man. He sounds awful.

I should having finished the post before responding:

He mentions that the previous generation of women were " the real women" and didn't moan.

I would have ended it there.

I’m sorry OP that sounds rubbish. I don’t have any advice but can’t stand people who bandy about saying they/someone else has OCD just because they are tidy. No-it’s a serious MH problem. For that alone, he’s horrible!

Honestly you will look back and remember that it was so much worse than you think it is now.

My day was ruined by 9am every single day.

You can do this!!

Yes you’d be happier single - it’s a no-brainer. He’s a grade A misogynistic, lazy, selfish bellend.

I do 90% of the housework in our house but I’m a sahm with older dcs and dh works long hours running his own business. He also would do any jobs I asked him to do and would never dare come out with a sexist line like that!

No way would I tolerate that.

Have you discussed with him how the previous generation were housewives and stayed at home, since the men of that generation earned enough to provide for a family.

Too many men these days seem to expect a stay at home wife lifestyle, whilst she still works full time as he brings in an insufficient wage to support them both.

Honestly, he needs to shape up or ship out, he’s not bringing anything to your life.

I am much happier single. I miss affection and intimacy but that is outweighed by the:

• lack of mess
• the lack of whining
• the fact my bathroom is how I left it
• that I can listen to music & dance in the kitchen
• no criticism of my car, my tv, my curtains, my toothpaste etc
• I can relax and cook food ds & I like, without complaints
• I don't have to tolerate absurd snobbery e.g. refusing to go into Tesco to buy a pint of milk, it had to come from Waitrose
• Not constantly being pushed to spend more than I could afford

In other words, I can relax, enjoy my home and the small pleasures in life, and feel no pressure to 'keep up with' someone else's pretensions. Such a relief.

It sounds like you would feel the same OP. Life is too short to waste on grumpy lazy old men.

Whereas I would have been petty enough to retort "do you mean the previous generation of women who lived with real men who provided all the household income, so the woman's part was all the housework in return"

He mentions that the previous generation of women were " the real women" and didn't moan.
That's because "the real men" provided the financial support. Does he?

I'm four months into a separation and my goodness I can't believe how much free time I have because I'm not tidying or cleaning up after a disgusting dirty animal, ie not cleaning the kitchen floor every single day. So far I've gained 8 hours a week, every week, minimum - there's just less grime to deal with - it's stunned me tbh. So yes, I am absolutely loving it.

I was exactly the same @AutumnFroglets

Literally the day he left I found myself with so much extra time on my hands. It evened out at about 2 hours per day! To this day I don't really know how, but within a month I had weekly taken on an extra 6 hours at work, and added in a yoga class, a swim and a sauna!

Sorry, i have to agree with this. I WILL absolutely only get worse. Don't have kids with him you'll be left to do EVERYTHING.

Thank you so much to everyone for your replies. I have read every single one and can see things with clarity now. Your responses made it very clear to me that he is an a**hole and I'm just wasting my life and my health with him.
Although I will feel lonely at times (which is probably why I haven't left him yet, afraid of loneliness as I have no family in UK), my peace is so much more important. Just reading your words about the freedom, the extra time for myself, the peace...SOLD! I'm even breathing better, more relaxed just thinking about it. I will organise my finances and start a new life. Find myself again, the happier me on my own. No men allowed in my life for a good while :D
I appreciate you all, thank you for helping me out ❤Gosh, I love Mumsnet 💚

I have hardly any family either especially as my parents are both dead but focusing on hobbies helps as you may meet new friends. Having friends does fill a big void left by a partner imo. Obviously not sex but emotional connection. Best of luck! A new life is waiting. You will feel free.

I'm very happy living with just my two children. I think we have a nice vibe going on even if the two teenagers can be a bit moody sometimes. I prefer my life as it is now and would not want to change that - although I appreciate that the children will leave one day, I'm hoping they will also want to come and stay with me too.

I do have a boyfriend who stays over sometimes but I wouldn't want him to move in. We saw a lot of each other over Christmas and NYE and that was enough for me. Now I'm back at work it will be less and I'm loving having the house back to just us.