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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For being sick of this agreement now

48 replies

RaginaPhalange · 02/01/2025 20:55

Im really unsure if I'm being unreasonable with this recent agreement.

Mil and her husband live a good amount of time a way (close to 12 hr journey), recently something has changed and are needing/wanting to come down more often to see another relative near by.

They have been coming down on average every second week to see the relative, my kids enjoy being able to see their gran which is good as they would only see her bi monthly if that.

They have been staying with us in our "spare" room, it's the kids playroom so they can't get using it when they're here. Now here's the thing that's getting on my nerves. They don't clean up after themselves, dishes left lying in the kitchen, food wrappers left on the work top, we cook most nights for them (they bought a take away one night) they won't strip the beds after they have stayed. We are doing them a huge favor and saving them hundreds of pounds each time they come down, it just seems like common courtesy to tidy up after yourself.

I have enough to do, I don't need doing their dishes added to my list.

So am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
pictoosh · 02/01/2025 20:57

So just ask them.
"Would you mind washing up after you've finished in the kitchen, thanks."

Vaxtable · 02/01/2025 20:58

Your partner needs to have a word with his mother and set some expectations, along the lines of lovely to see your, happy to help,out, but we would approached it if you would help by doing xyz

If they won’t speak to them the. I would be leav8ng everything to them to tidy up, strip beds etc

Forgottobuymincepies · 02/01/2025 20:59

Just get dh to send a message that unfortunately the dc will be needing their playroom now they are getting bigger. Here are some cheap Airbnb places nearby dm. Or get the dc a mouse /snake /parrot and install it in the playroom..

Pninnette · 02/01/2025 21:00

Ask them to clear up after themselves, and if they’re going to be staying again in ten days’ time, just tell them to make the beds because you’ll leave the same sheets on. If they’ve only slept on them for a night or two, they don’t need changing after every visit.

Original poster
RaginaPhalange · 02/01/2025 21:12

Vaxtable · 02/01/2025 20:58

Your partner needs to have a word with his mother and set some expectations, along the lines of lovely to see your, happy to help,out, but we would approached it if you would help by doing xyz

If they won’t speak to them the. I would be leav8ng everything to them to tidy up, strip beds etc

That's a good idea, thanks

They go home soon, have stayed here for almost a week. Usually it's 4 or 5 nights.

OP posts:
twobluehorses · 02/01/2025 21:42

Oh gosh almost a week every two weeks is too much. Your DH needs to say something about them finding an alternative place to stay unless its very short term

Original poster
RaginaPhalange · 03/01/2025 16:09

twobluehorses · 02/01/2025 21:42

Oh gosh almost a week every two weeks is too much. Your DH needs to say something about them finding an alternative place to stay unless its very short term

We unfortunately have no timescale of when this will end, they will be back before the end of the month

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 03/01/2025 16:25

What is your partner doing to help alleviate the issue his folks are making for you?

Is your partner affected at all by their poor habits or are you the one that is left doing the clean up ever single time they come to stay? Time to make it an issue for your partner to resolve - be that having a word with them or they do the clean up ever single time without issue and without complaint!

username299 · 03/01/2025 16:27

Why are you cleaning up after your husband's parent? He can cook for them as well.Let him clean up after them and remake the beds. He'll speak to them if he no longer wants to do it.

LookItsMeAgain · 03/01/2025 16:28

They will be back at the end of the month having stayed a week already this year??

That sounds very much to me like the person is undergoing cancer treatment (apologies if I've gotten that wrong) but if I were you, I'd do a bit of investigating as to what services are available to patients and carers of these patients while they are undergoing their treatment.

If they are coming down to see the other relative, why can't they stay with the other relative? Why couldn't they stay with them 50% of the time they come to visit?

Forgottobuymincepies · 03/01/2025 16:28

Shame if the heating was on the blink in a few weeks......

TriangleLight · 03/01/2025 16:30

I’d just say to them that whilst you’re happy for them to stay at this time, you need them to keep things tidy and do their chores. Don’t strip and wash their bedding. Hand them the bedding to put on. Don’t cook for them as the default.

SwanRivers · 03/01/2025 16:32

Forgottobuymincepies · 03/01/2025 16:28

Shame if the heating was on the blink in a few weeks......

It'd be an even grater shame if two adults can't simply speak to them.

OnceMoreWithAttitude · 03/01/2025 16:36

I would just tell them that now this is a regular arrangement you need them to start taking part in the running if the household as you don't have capacity to treat them as ‘guests’ so often . Telling them is DH’s job but if he wimps out, you can request it yourself.

Leave the bedding for them to put on. Ask them to put it in the machine before they leave. Say “could you take care of dinner tomorrow please?”. “Could you keep the kitchen nice and tidy please?”

JustRollWithIt · 03/01/2025 16:36

I actually can't believe people would leave wrappers lying and not tidy up after themselves. Basic manners.

TheWonderhorse · 03/01/2025 16:36

Are they caring for that nearby relative? I'm thinking something pretty big is going on if they're doing all that travelling. They must be exhausted!

Thursdaygirl · 03/01/2025 16:40

We unfortunately have no time scale of when this will end

So you have no say over what goes on in your own home?

Original poster
RaginaPhalange · 03/01/2025 16:44

LookItsMeAgain · 03/01/2025 16:28

They will be back at the end of the month having stayed a week already this year??

That sounds very much to me like the person is undergoing cancer treatment (apologies if I've gotten that wrong) but if I were you, I'd do a bit of investigating as to what services are available to patients and carers of these patients while they are undergoing their treatment.

If they are coming down to see the other relative, why can't they stay with the other relative? Why couldn't they stay with them 50% of the time they come to visit?

Not quite cancer treatment, relative is in a specialist unit for mental health issues.

To be fair dh has done their dishes multiple times as have I, they just leave it in the kitchen.

OP posts:
Original poster
RaginaPhalange · 03/01/2025 16:45

TheWonderhorse · 03/01/2025 16:36

Are they caring for that nearby relative? I'm thinking something pretty big is going on if they're doing all that travelling. They must be exhausted!

No relative is in a specialist unit. They visit them maybe for 3 hours max a day.

OP posts:
Hercisback1 · 03/01/2025 16:48

I think now is the perfect time for an honest chat.
"MIL while we were understanding to start with, and are happy to have stay, we need you to pull your weight more when you are here. We are trying to support you seeing Y while you stay and keeping the cost down, however the impact it is having on my wife is too much. Please can you clean up after yourselves (make sure she knows where stuff is), strip your beds, and.... "

Demodog · 03/01/2025 16:54

They aren't occasional visitors, so it's not appropriate for them to behave this way.

Your H needs to tell them. We're happy to help you out but it's creating a lot of extra work and expense for us now that you are spending so much time here. You need to tidy up after yourselves, and a contribution towards your food costs would be much appreciated by both of us.

If they get arsey then your H needs to point out that they are welcome to book a hotel or airbnb elsewhere.

BoundaryGirl3939 · 03/01/2025 16:55

Are they messy people in general? My dad has adhd, and he makes a mess. He will never change. It should be your partner who says it.

Richiewoo · 03/01/2025 16:56

Tell them to clean up or they don't stay

DPotter · 03/01/2025 17:02

Yes - definitely have a word re kitchen tidying, etc They also need to be contributing to the meals etc they are being given, especially as this looks like a long term thing.

As for the bedding - ask them to bring their own and take it back home with them - saves you having to wash it then too.

MatildaTheCat · 03/01/2025 17:04

Is the relation in a dementia unit? If so this could go on for literally years. Time for a clear and concise discussion/ message about what you can manage in terms of frequency and duration of the visits and also regarding your expectations of them as guests.

The conversation could start with’Hi mum and dad, the situation with x has been going on for y months now and while we’ve been glad to help it has started to really impact our lives. In order we all happy with this we should think of some ways to make this easier on us as a family…. Blah blah much love DH’