For being sick of this agreement now

[RaginaPhalange]

Im really unsure if I'm being unreasonable with this recent agreement.

Mil and her husband live a good amount of time a way (close to 12 hr journey), recently something has changed and are needing/wanting to come down more often to see another relative near by.

They have been coming down on average every second week to see the relative, my kids enjoy being able to see their gran which is good as they would only see her bi monthly if that.

They have been staying with us in our "spare" room, it's the kids playroom so they can't get using it when they're here. Now here's the thing that's getting on my nerves. They don't clean up after themselves, dishes left lying in the kitchen, food wrappers left on the work top, we cook most nights for them (they bought a take away one night) they won't strip the beds after they have stayed. We are doing them a huge favor and saving them hundreds of pounds each time they come down, it just seems like common courtesy to tidy up after yourself.

I have enough to do, I don't need doing their dishes added to my list.

So am I being unreasonable?

That's a lot of money added to your food bill , heating bill ,water bill .
They are taking the piss
They need to find a hotel

I am probably in the minority on this, but I think it might be more effective if you, rather than your DH, speak to his parents about this. I suspect that they might take it more seriously coming from you than they would from their own son.

And if they turn out to be the sort of people who take offence at having their failings pointed out (however gently/tactfully it is done), they will probably blame you anyway whichever of you actually speaks to them, so you have nothing to lose.

How come this is all directed at the MIL and not MIL's husband who also stays?

If they don’t strip the bed leave it, or fold up the bed with the same sheets still on. Sheets after 3 nights will do for another three.

If they’re sufficiently close to the relative to visit so regularly from afar, why don’t they move the relative nearer to them? The next thing will be asking you to do visits on their behalf.

They are there now?

Tell them, today! Please clean up after ypurselves. Also, you need a contribution towards food and exta bills while they freeload.

Dont like it, they can pay for a hotel

YANBU but they are. Have they also been so rude and lazy? They need to stay elsewhere or get a hotel or Airbnb

I would cut them down to every other time they visit. The conversation is along the lines of "We're finding it too much to accommodate you in the same way as we have been doing so far. You will need to cut down on our workload by only staying here on alternate visits, and cleaning up after yourselves when you leave"

Agreed. They sound very entitled and inconsiderate. I would want them to book a hotel most visits and only stay over every 6 weeks or so. This must so draining!

Your dh needs to say you're more than happy to help out but as they're here so often could they do their bit re housework

What would happen if you told them it was no longer convenient to stay over?

Your dh needs to say you're he's more than happy to help out but as they're here so often could they do their bit re housework

FTFY😉

To answer some questions they left this morning telling me they will be back before end of month and that they had left a rubbish bag at the back door.

Yes relative is in a dementia unit, there is no dementia units near them as they are rural and wasn't their decision that relative was moved.

Their house isn't dirty with dishes though there is a lot of bits and bobs everywhere.

@RaginaPhalange when I read your comment about them having been with you for nearly a week, I was reminded of this….

They would probably visit less often as they would need to stay in hotel or b&b

Just use your words - when they say there’s a bag of rubbish at back door say thanks, please put in (x coloured) bin when you leave. When dishes are left at side of sink say please can you wash and dry dishes please. Rule of the house. You can say it nicely and matter of factly without making it a big deal. If they don’t comply that’s when you need to make it a bigger thing.

I would go down this route. Inconsiderate guests like them won't suddenly morphe into dream visitors.

They sound really rude and ungrateful. Who just leaves their food wrappers and dirty dishes lying around when they are guests in someone's home? They don't contribute any money towards the expense of you hosting and feeding them and don't even strip the beds before they leave. They must be really disrupting your family life.

I would speak to them about clearing up after themselves and ask them to reduce their visits.

There must be a dementia unit within 12 hours drive of their home, OP. No-one’s that rural!

Quite. It makes me wonder if the ILs requested a unit in your area to facilitate their visits.

THIS
It's important that you continue to have a good relationship in the interests of all

@likewhatever @RobertaFirmino

In laws had no say in where relative went. It is a specialist unit and there's very few in the uk

Fair enough OP, it sounds like a very specialised unit, in which case I can see why they need to stay with you and you can’t easily put them off or restrict them.

I think you and your DH need to sit them down and say that for this to work everybody needs to be on the same page. You’d appreciate it if they did x, y and z when they stayed.

Also they need to know that there will be times when it won’t be possible for them to stay, for example if you’re away on holiday or have your own visitors. You can’t be expected to plan your life around their visits. They need to have an alternative plan for those times.

I would try and handle it sensitively though, it must be difficult for them too, to be making all these journeys.