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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why you wanted kids

75 replies

Stuffisperplexing · 02/01/2025 20:16

Was it an overwhelming instinct or a choice based on particular reasons? Did you worry about the downsides or did you prefer a leap of faith?

Is it how you imagined (or better or worse?)?

OP posts:
summerlovingvibes · 02/01/2025 20:56

For me it was simply a case of deciding that I would regret it more if I didn't than if I did. Never been overly maternal. Love my children but often feel like I miss my old life way way more than I thought I would do. Recently got a digital photo frame and feel very nostalgic when photos of pre-kids pop up.
My kids are great and I think we have and will continue to have a lovely relationship. I'm glad I had them.
But I still want my old life more.
Grass is not always greener.

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 02/01/2025 20:59

It’s both better and worse than I ever imagined. As to deciding, I spent years thinking maybe I would but always finding excuses not to, then the decision was taken out of my hands for DC1 (ooopsie!)
I’m glad it was though. I probably would have found so many excuses to not have children, but because I wasn’t never certain I didn’t want them I think I would have come to regret it if I hadn’t.

Echobelly · 02/01/2025 21:01

I just thought it would be really interesting. I'm not inherently 'maternal' and didn't have any urge for it but I kind of liked the idea in a contrary way as perhaps I wasn't a person people would necessarily imagine as a mum! I didn't think much about either marriage or kids until they became real possibilities

Tipperary25 · 02/01/2025 21:01

I was childfree for many years after I married. I had to resign myself to the fact that I was going to be childfree and had accepted it. Then, quell surprise, I fell pregnant and have dd, age 2. She is wonderful beyond words, brings us so much joy and has made us so happy. I would say I wanted a child to have someone to live for, to experience the unconditional love that children give.

Raindropskeepfallinonmyhead · 02/01/2025 21:07

Was in a long term relationship, absolutely adamant l didn't want them. We split up - l met my now dh and thought actually it wouldn't be the end of the world if l had a baby to l will really regret it if l don"t so l think l was with with the wrong guy.

herenelwhat · 02/01/2025 21:07

I was never desperate for kids. I got to a stage where I figured I might as well, as I was disillusioned with other things that might have taken up my time, and having a family fit in well with our circumstances at the time. We are lucky to be cushioned financially so I find it quite fun and not too hard, and I like knowing that they are my legacy. It took a while to get pregnant but if we hadn't managed it, I would have been equally happy, and I wouldn't have been desperate enough to try ivf or other options.

TokyoSushi · 02/01/2025 21:12

I didn't really, wouldn't have been bothered if I didn't have them, but felt that I 'should.'

Absolute best thing I've ever done, I adore them beyond measure, even if the preschool years were a bit of a nightmare!

Icanttakethisanymore · 02/01/2025 21:13

Never wanted kids when I was younger but in my mid thirties hit and it seemed like a good idea. I guess that biological clocks eventually got me. I love my kids and I think I’ll enjoy life with them more as they get older (I enjoy being with my 3yo more than my 1yo) but it’s been a tough ride. I don’t think I was prepared for the fact that you basically never get to do what you want when ylu have small kids.

BeensOnToost · 02/01/2025 21:14

Instinct.

It's much harder and much better than I imagined.

menopausalmare · 02/01/2025 21:19

Curiosity.

SarahAndQuack · 02/01/2025 21:21

With my DD, it was both a choice I thought very hard about, and a strong feeling. I wouldn't say it was an instinct. I was worried I wouldn't be a good mother and I certainly didn't think it would come naturally.

As it happened once DD was born I did feel like a natural mother, and although I still worry about my parenting the way most of us do, I would honestly say she is the best thing in my life and the most important thing I will ever do, is being her mum. And most of the time I am quite proud of myself as a mum.

I'm currently TTC and I am older, and now, it feels like a compulsion. But that may be because I'm 40 with precarious fertility, and I think your body pushes you for a 'last hurrah' at this point.

TwoLeggedGrooveMachine · 02/01/2025 21:22

I don’t like children much but got the hammering biological clock thing at 29-30 ish. Scarily intense. Had two because I was lonely as a child so wanted a sibling for child one.

Peppapiggedout · 02/01/2025 21:31

I just knew 🩷

I worked with little ones (day care) and babysitting etc. I loved pottering about with them, crafts, playtime etc and just wanted to be a mummy myself really

My favourite happiest memory is of popping dc1 in his sling, changing bag on my back and off we went to parks, groups, walks. Heaven.

I'm so grateful for the two DC I have, but one more would have been my preference.

Gowlett · 02/01/2025 21:34

When I was younger, I assumed I’d just have kids.
In reality, it didn’t occur to me until I was over 40…

Had my DS, aged 44, by sheer good luck. Happy!

Onthefence87 · 02/01/2025 21:36

All my life I've adored both babies and young children....I was an only child and desperately wanted a younger sibling! I couldn't wait to share all those special firsts with them and throw myself into every part of parenthood.
I had worked with children for many years (including weekend, overnight care for friends' children) before having my own, so i was expecting to find it reasonably easy.
When my first was born it was absolutely a lifelong dream come true, but I must admit it was waayyy harder than I imagined having my own child!
I was anxious about EVERYTHING throughout pregnancy (didn't help that I had a MMC at 12wks beforehand) then that developed into post natal anxiety which lasted into toddlerhood.Birth process shocked me as it involved way more medical intervention than I realised and I had a small PPH resulting in 2 blood transfusions.
I felt petrified of the responsibility and breast feeding was all new and quite a challenge at times.I felt like DH (who was also very anxious) looked to me for constant guidance and reassaurance as we loved her so much and were deaperate to do everything right to protect her, but it felt such a heavy burden on my shoulders.My mum is very supportive but we have never really had the sort of relationship where I can easily turn to her for advice, or ring her up crying for help, and she never really spoke about her experience of parenting, pregnancy, birth etc in any depth.
DD1 has always been a wonderful character but is very intense and was a high needs baby...toddler...and is still a high needs child who is being assessed for ASD/ADHD which has brought a whole host of challenges with behaviour, sleeping and school.

DD2 4yrs later was much easier....we knew what we were doing and that she wouldn't die if we made little mistakes here and there!
The only harder thing was juggling two and DD1 ramping up the demandingness to fight for our attention.
And now at 3&7 the disagreements between them can be stressful.

In summary, being a parent is both the most rewarding and the most challenging thing I've ever done....it's harder and lovelier than I could have ever imagined I'm equal measure 😅 my girls are my absolute world and the feelings of intense joy, love and gratitude I have for being their mummy are there every single day.

KimberleyClark · 02/01/2025 21:39

username7367 · 02/01/2025 20:51

I feel sad people don't realise this sooner and we are very anti kid as a society in the UK and becoming more so.

That people don’t realise what sooner?

wastingtimeonhere · 02/01/2025 21:40

Naivety, immaturity and plain stupidity. I was far too young emotionally.

SpiritedSneeze · 02/01/2025 21:44

Didn't want to at all, I thought it sounded awful and that I would be terrible at it and would resent a baby.
She is an adult now, raising her has been wonderful, nowhere near as hard or scary as I thought and she is the best part of my life by miles.

PerditaLaChien · 02/01/2025 21:55

I realise now the whole giving your life to your career is a joke and a lie.

Yep! You have kids and realise the career is fuck all and really does not in fact matter a jot in the grand scheme of things.

PerditaLaChien · 02/01/2025 21:55

Oh and i always simply assumed I'd have them and i love them so much more than i could have ever even vaguely imagined

Chillilounger · 02/01/2025 21:58

Biology. Hormones. It was an overwhelming need. Nothing logical about it.

Buxomblondie · 02/01/2025 21:59

I didn't want them before I met dh, but tbh I was quite young when we got together (21). After we'd been together a few years I knew I wanted to have a family with him. We were really lucky it all worked out and I love being a mum

cartagenagina · 02/01/2025 22:01

I was one of those who was absolutely convinced I would never want them.

Got to 29 and my hormones went batshit. I was DESPERATE! Must. Have. Baby. Now!!!

I was lucky to have my two and they are now adults. Absolutely the best thing I’ve ever done.

Mukey · 02/01/2025 22:07

KimberleyClark · 02/01/2025 21:39

That people don’t realise what sooner?

Show quote history

That kids are the only thing that matters of course. If you don’t have them you’ll never know true love. You are doomed to spend the rest of your pointless existence sad and lonely and a burden on everyone else’s children for all eternity. Only those with children are enlightened enough to see this.

Ponderingwindow · 02/01/2025 22:08

I was certain that I would not have children at all until I was an adult. At first I softened to the idea of adoption someday. I was using multiple forms of birth control and knew if I got pregnant I was too young mad unprepared to be a parent and would have an abortion. Eventually, I reached a stage in life where I realized if I got pregnant despite serious prevention, I wouldn’t have an abortion. I wasn’t ready to be a mother, but I had a good education and a good job and I could handle being a mother on paper. It’s not like I started trying that day or anything. It wasn’t for several more years, it from that moment, I was certain I would be a parent. It ended up being 10 years later with substantial fertility challenges, but we got there.