To think that sorry should take responsibility

[ditzzy]

Ok, relatively minor incident but DH put his chair on DD’s (5), toe at dinner time when she was sneaking behind his chair to go and get something and he unexpectedly moved his chair back at the same time.

He looked horrified, but is saying “I’m sorry your toe got squished” rather than “I’m sorry I squished your toe”.

Is it just me or is this a really annoying lack of taking responsibility?

Toe appears to be fine. DH has also told her off for not wearing slippers; to which her retort is that she is wearing socks (only put on after stubbing her bare toes earlier).

He has also given her lots of cuddles to try to make it better. But the phrasing just really annoys me. AIBU?

Sounds like clumsy phrasing more than anything. He looked horrified and gave her a cuddle; I'd personally think that's the end of the matter.

He didn't do it on purpose, he apologised, has hugged her and advised her to wear slippers. Let it go.

I think it's unnecessarily pedantic especially in circumstances like these where he isn't at fault.

Don’t worry, I’m not starting a fight with him about it, it just bugged me so I thought I’d check level of pedantic-ness

I think his wording accurately reflects the fact that he didn't really do anything wrong.

I think it depends if that’s an issue every time or if it’s a one off.

If she hadn't been sneaking behind his chair her toe wouldn't have got squashed, I think the apology is absolutely fine in the circumstances.

But why should he take responsibility for something that was a complete accident? He didn’t mean to squash her toe, she was sneaking around and as you said it wasn’t intentional. I am guessing this is part of a deeper issue.

YABU.

“I’m sorry your toe got squished” is fine for an accident, he didn’t know she was going to run behind him.

“I’m sorry I squished your toe” would be if he did it deliberately (which he wouldn’t anyway I hope).

I think the phrasing he's used is correct actually. Her toe got squished... he didn't squish her toe. He didn't even know she was there and all he did was move his chair back. His phrasing is pretty bang on imo. Why are you being so pedantic about it?

What do you think he did wrong that he should apologise for?

I agree with your DH wording, if they hadn’t been sneaking around it wouldn’t have happened. Him apologising means he is at fault but he wasn’t really it’s DD fault

Exactly. Stop nit picking OP. He didn't do anything wrong.

How about He didn't squash her toe, your daughter put her toe under the chair!?

Otherwise known as an Accident and he bears absolutely no responsibility for it anymore than she does

Why? Probably PMT…. It bugged me to an unusual amount so I thought I’d test an opinion on here!

@ditzzy well even your title says 'take responsibility' but he is not responsible for anything? She was sneaking, he didn't know she was there and moved his chair back, toe squished but absolutely not his fault.

Think you need to just let this go in your head. It's a non-issue

He's done nothing wrong
I assume she shouldn't have been there, given your term sneaking
He didn't know she was there
He made sure she was OK.
That should have been the end of it

If it's just occasional, then it's just a turn of phrase and I wouldn't worry. If it's a lot, then it's a problem IMHO.

I have someone like this in my family and it was a red flag I missed for some time. But their very regular use of the third person in describing something that happened in which they were the actor (usually the main or only actor) is part of a pattern of them not really being able to internalise (or indeed remember long term or really put together more complicated cause and effect ideas) that they themself DID something rather than it just happening. Therapy was required and hasn't entirely solved it.

Keep an eye on it to see if the above pattern is there.

YABU

It was an accident and he comforted her in his own way.
He hasn’t done anything wrong.

But he wasn't responsible. What do you think he should have done, prostrate himself to show remorse?

It was an accident. His wording is fine.

Move along, nothing to see here!

Did she say it doesn't matter Daddy if I wasn't sneaking behind you it wouldn't have happened.

You are being massively unreasonable. Poor bloke.

It's a 6 of one half a dozen of the other type scenario. If he was being neglectful, then it should have been a "sorry I squashed your toe". In the circumstances "sorry your toe got hurt" is appropriate. Your dd, although little, also needs to take responsibility for her personal safety. If your dh gave a "my bad" type apology then in her head the fault would have just just been his, not 50% hers.