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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be mildly annoyed that DP is making this my problem?

49 replies

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 02/01/2025 16:02

DP of six years has an old female friend. For context and in the interest of not drip feeding she was once his girlfriend (more than 25 years ago).

I get on well with her: we've met up along with her three kids and my kid a few times, the kids get on well and she and I have a good rapport and occasionally message one another. She lives a long way away so we hardly see her. There's no suspicion or jealousy on my part and I like her, but I have only known her a couple of years, I probably wouldn't choose to hang out with her if she wasn't DP's mate and she is very definitely "his" friend and not so much mine.

She got a nice Christmas present for my DD and for me and DP, rather unexpectedly. I said casually to DP when DD opened it that I was mildly embarrassed that I hadn't got her kids something and should we get something small for them? He messaged me today from work to say: "Have you got something for X,Y and Z?" I replied to say: "no, should I have done?" And he messaged back to say: "I've got an Xmas present for (the mum) so I think you could get something small for the kids."

DP is not usually one of those blokes who outsources life admin and family relations to his partner: he's very good at managing this himself and always remembers presents for his friends, doesn't make the assumption that this is my job etc. So I was a bit taken aback at this.

I am mildly peed off that he's more or less asked me to buy presents for his ex-girlfriend's kids. I wouldn't have minded if he'd made it a "we" thing: ie "shall we get a book token for them?". It was the way it was phrased as a "you need to get onto this" thing. Not sure if I'm over-reacting.

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 02/01/2025 16:07

You said "we" initially and he appears to have acted on that and got something for his friend. Was he thinking your part of "we" would be the kids gifts?

If he had got the kids gifts and asked you to get something for her would that have been better or worse?

It doesn't seem too bad from what you have written?

Newstartplease24 · 02/01/2025 16:11

It is that bad. Basically he has got her a present and is trying to get you to cover for this by filling in with presents for the kids, converting it into a family thing - he is asking you to give cover! Say no. What has he got her? Say “I think it would be easiest if you give that to me and just get them a shared voucher as a family, for a day out”

NImumconfused · 02/01/2025 16:11

Maybe a bit cheeky, but I don't think I'd get too het up over it - just text him back and say she's your ex-girlfriend, I think that's your job not mine.

Original poster
Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 02/01/2025 16:12

@Createausername1970 yeah I think he basically thought: "I'll take care of X and policeman can deal with the kids because she understands kids" (he doesn't have any biological children). It's just the presumption of it which has irritated me.

Also I feel like the whole family are first and foremost his friends: I'm happy to socialise with them and be friendly with them as far as it goes but I don't know them at all well and I don't really see why I should be rushing around buying Christmas presents for them when other people I know far better are not getting them.

OP posts:
OhBling · 02/01/2025 16:13

I'd also find this annoying. I suspect however it's less about the ex-girlfriend thing and more about the children thing ie - in his head, it is YOUR job to organise children's gifts (with the possible exception of his own direct nieces and nephews). So children of family friends - you. Children who are friends with your children - you. etc etc.

littlesnatchabook · 02/01/2025 16:14

Is your child his child? What I'm getting at is - does he have kids? If not, perhaps he feels you're better qualified to choose something for her children? Otherwise, it sounds like he sees her as your friend too. If it's fairly out of character, I wouldn't kick up a stink personally.

Original poster
Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 02/01/2025 16:15

OhBling · 02/01/2025 16:13

I'd also find this annoying. I suspect however it's less about the ex-girlfriend thing and more about the children thing ie - in his head, it is YOUR job to organise children's gifts (with the possible exception of his own direct nieces and nephews). So children of family friends - you. Children who are friends with your children - you. etc etc.

Exactly. The ex-girlfriend thing isn't the issue really, it's more it feels like that classic assumption that dealing with families and children is "the woman's job". Which normally DP isn't at all guilty of.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 02/01/2025 16:16

littlesnatchabook · 02/01/2025 16:14

Is your child his child? What I'm getting at is - does he have kids? If not, perhaps he feels you're better qualified to choose something for her children? Otherwise, it sounds like he sees her as your friend too. If it's fairly out of character, I wouldn't kick up a stink personally.

No: I have a tween who is not his biological child (but who he's known for a long time). I think you're right: he thinks he doesn't "get" kids.

I'm not going to kick up a stink. But I'm not doing it.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 02/01/2025 16:17

I'd reply what you've said here.

"You want me to get presents for your ex gf children?! That's not in my job description!"

ThinWomansBrain · 02/01/2025 16:20

she has given gifts to your child - not you and your partners child, which I what I assumed from the original post - I didn't pick that up from my original reading of the post.
the update and re-reading of OP do put a slightly different spin on it.

poemsandwine · 02/01/2025 16:21

Createausername1970 · 02/01/2025 16:07

You said "we" initially and he appears to have acted on that and got something for his friend. Was he thinking your part of "we" would be the kids gifts?

If he had got the kids gifts and asked you to get something for her would that have been better or worse?

It doesn't seem too bad from what you have written?

Agree. Based on you saying 'we', I don't see the problem. But I wouldn't have said anything in the first place. You created the situation tbh.

Ablondiebutagoody · 02/01/2025 16:22

I wouldn't even get them anything. If somebody, out of nowhere, gives an unexpected gift, I don't think it is then on the recipient to run around and gift something in return. Obviously if DP wants to he can but I couldn't be arsed.

redskydarknight · 02/01/2025 16:26

From your OP
I said casually to DP when DD opened it that I was mildly embarrassed that I hadn't got her kids something and should we get something small for them?

I don't know if that's verbatim or not, but it sounds very much like you are the one wanting to buy the kids something. And, if your DP is anything like mine, if you're the one that's bothered, you are the one that deals with it.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 02/01/2025 16:28

I can see why you're not keen on buying those gifts for the children. If it's not too late, you can still say that you see that family as principally his friends so he needs to buy the gifts for all of them. How hard can it be - there are nice small presents for children all over the place even in supermarkets.

Livelaughlurgy · 02/01/2025 16:32

It a very different spin on it that he has no kidss and that she bought your child something and he's expecting you to reciprocate with her kids- esp after you said you were embarassed.

Crunchymum · 02/01/2025 16:32

"I've got an Xmas present for (the mum) so I think you could get something small for the kids."

Why didn't you just tell him you don't have time

At a push you could have said a book token / Amazon voucher will be fine.

She is going to know the gifts are an afterthought so it doesn't really matter what he gets them?

TwinklyStarlight · 02/01/2025 16:33

ThinWomansBrain · 02/01/2025 16:20

she has given gifts to your child - not you and your partners child, which I what I assumed from the original post - I didn't pick that up from my original reading of the post.
the update and re-reading of OP do put a slightly different spin on it.

This. If your child were his and he was the one saying "we" should get gifts then it would be off of him to assume it was your job. Since the gifts were for your child, not his child, and you mentioned getting them I think it's fair enough he assumed you were handling it rather than expecting him to.

Michellesbackbrace · 02/01/2025 16:34

I think the issue here stems from him thinking that his friend and her dcs have now become YOUR friends by osmosis. He maybe doesn’t realise youre only being polite bc they’re his friends.

My dh would totally do this as he wouldn’t have a clue what to buy for children however if you two are not living together and sharing finances it’s a bit of a cheek. If he’s not generally lazy and thoughtless though I wouldn’t hold it against him.

Id tell him very clearly though why you wont be doing it and that he’s being cheeky to ask.

Quitelikeit · 02/01/2025 16:34

Tbf if this is your only issue in life I think you’ll be fine 🤣🤣🤣

rightinthedavinamccalls · 02/01/2025 16:36

"She got a nice Christmas present for my DD and for me and DP, rather unexpectedly. I said casually to DP when DD opened it that I was mildly embarrassed that I hadn't got her kids something and should we get something small for them?"

If I were him I would assume you would buy her kids something as she got your child a present.

SummerFeverVenice · 02/01/2025 16:36

You kind of volunteered to get gifts for the DC from the start
I said casually to DP when DD opened it that I was mildly embarrassed that I hadn't got her kids something…

I would put this down to miscommunication rather than him outsourcing to you.

Michellesbackbrace · 02/01/2025 16:38

Actually, rereading the op she bought your dd a present? Yeah, I’d say buying her dcs a gift is on you - but you shouldn’t feel obliged to do so. If it’s not something you want to get into doing don’t reciprocate or you’ll end up doing it every year.

She may well think you guys are a bit mean though! I’d also say your dp has only bought her something bc you’ve made him feel like he should - you should’ve maybe just left it up to him.

Likewhatever · 02/01/2025 16:40

She gave you and your DD nice gifts even though she’s not your friend, so on that basis I would choose something for the kids this time. But I’d also be having words about who has responsibility for what in future.

Original poster
Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 02/01/2025 16:41

Michellesbackbrace · 02/01/2025 16:34

I think the issue here stems from him thinking that his friend and her dcs have now become YOUR friends by osmosis. He maybe doesn’t realise youre only being polite bc they’re his friends.

My dh would totally do this as he wouldn’t have a clue what to buy for children however if you two are not living together and sharing finances it’s a bit of a cheek. If he’s not generally lazy and thoughtless though I wouldn’t hold it against him.

Id tell him very clearly though why you wont be doing it and that he’s being cheeky to ask.

I think you're right: I think he thinks of all our friends as being shared. I don't really look at it that way. I like most if not all of his friends (including this woman) and I'm very happy to be pleasant to and socialise with her and her kids. But I also think it's really important for people to have their own life and friendships outside of the couple/family. I've never bought into the "my friends are your friends" thing and I also bristle at the feeling that buying presents for her children is automatically my job because I'm the woman.

We do live together. But we don't share finances (and never will).

He's not lazy and thoughtless at all. Which is partly why I'm a bit taken aback by this: it's very out of character.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 02/01/2025 16:42

She’s not an ex-girlfriend in this context. She’s a family friend.