AIBU to be mildly annoyed that DP is making this my problem?

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

DP of six years has an old female friend. For context and in the interest of not drip feeding she was once his girlfriend (more than 25 years ago).

I get on well with her: we've met up along with her three kids and my kid a few times, the kids get on well and she and I have a good rapport and occasionally message one another. She lives a long way away so we hardly see her. There's no suspicion or jealousy on my part and I like her, but I have only known her a couple of years, I probably wouldn't choose to hang out with her if she wasn't DP's mate and she is very definitely "his" friend and not so much mine.

She got a nice Christmas present for my DD and for me and DP, rather unexpectedly. I said casually to DP when DD opened it that I was mildly embarrassed that I hadn't got her kids something and should we get something small for them? He messaged me today from work to say: "Have you got something for X,Y and Z?" I replied to say: "no, should I have done?" And he messaged back to say: "I've got an Xmas present for (the mum) so I think you could get something small for the kids."

DP is not usually one of those blokes who outsources life admin and family relations to his partner: he's very good at managing this himself and always remembers presents for his friends, doesn't make the assumption that this is my job etc. So I was a bit taken aback at this.

I am mildly peed off that he's more or less asked me to buy presents for his ex-girlfriend's kids. I wouldn't have minded if he'd made it a "we" thing: ie "shall we get a book token for them?". It was the way it was phrased as a "you need to get onto this" thing. Not sure if I'm over-reacting.

I disagree that he’s outsourcing his admin. He bought a return gift for his friend. She bought your daughter something so I would expect you to buy something for her children on return. I would say that’s quite fair.

You're right, she's a family friend. I only included the point that she was his ex-girlfriend in order to avoid being accused of drip-feeding. The fact she was his ex-girlfriend isn't particularly material to this really.

She brought you and your child a present. So buying something back for her kids shouldn't be too much hassle really should it. It's not something your DP foists on you often, as you say it's a one off.

If you don't want to socialise, interact with his ex-girlfriend and her kids, or his mates then don't! Doing it then moaning isn't a good vibe. You've been in a relationship for 6 yrs with this guy though... Surely his friends are going to feature in his life. If you don't want to be part of his life, and interact with important people in it, why are you with him?

@TillyKister

If you don't want to socialise, interact with his ex-girlfriend and her kids, or his mates then don't! Doing it then moaning isn't a good vibe. You've been in a relationship for 6 yrs with this guy though... Surely his friends are going to feature in his life. If you don't want to be part of his life, and interact with important people in it, why are you with him?

I'm absolutely not saying I don't want to socialise or interact with her: I've said the exact opposite in several posts. I don't have the slightest problem with her or her children.

I am just mildly irritated that was it was felt to be "my" job to buy presents for her children (who I've only met 3 or 4 times in my life).

But fair enough, it's not the biggest ask.

"I also bristle at the feeling that buying presents for her children is automatically my job because I'm the woman."

We absolutely should push back against that kind of thing. DH and I split it according to "whose side" friendship it was originally so that makes sense to me. But in a blended family it's not so straightforward. If you reversed the genders I can imagine a wife in your partner's position similarly assuming the dad/husband would do to reciprocal buying for the kids.

I'm sure when this lady bought for you all she wasn't trying to set up a mutual obligation to the end of the time. Maybe just leave it for this year, and next year have a family game bought and stashed to give in case she buys for you (all) again.

His friend, his issue. Stay strong!

But isn’t that the issue though? He HASN’T asked. He’s told you/assumed that you’ll sort out the kids.

If he’d said “aah, I’m not too sure what to get her DC, any chance you could get something for them? That would really help me out as I’m a bit stuck!” - I’d be totally fine and more than willing to help.

I don’t think it’s too much of a reach to assume that a mother who’s raised her own DC will usually be able to sort out a vaguely reasonable gift for a random child. But it should be a request made for help - and absolutely not an assumption that you’ll sort it.

On the basis that he’s assigned you the job automatically without having the courtesy to ask, I think I’d be punting it back to him for him to figure out 🤷‍♀️

From the OP it looks like getting her and her children presents was your idea, in our family that would mean you’re responsible for completing your idea by getting the presents.

Shes bought for your child, he is saying he thinks you should buy back for her children. I dont see the issue. Your child isn't his child. So he's saying he thinks you should return the favour to her kids like she did for yours. Ps, you're choosing when she's an ex girlfriend and when she's a friend.

But OP was the one who suggested getting something for the kids! Left to himself, DP might well not have been bothered about it. If OP says she doesn't want to get anything after all, I bet DP will just say "ok then" and not get anything either.

Didn't you initially say 'should we get her DC something back' ? I don't see the problem, she got your DC something and your DH has brought her something as you say she's 'his ' friend

Think you have to ask whether you'd be irritated if he was running off to buy her and her kids gifts without your input at all.

Pick your hard. At least this way it's very much you and him/we/us vs her.

But agree it is annoying when there's a presumption.

She bought a really nice present for your DD so I don't see why you can't return the favour. Why is it fair that your DP buys a reciprocal gift on his own? Your DD has benefitted from the gift. Your DP has bought a present from both of you for the friend, so he's not completely side stepped the whole thing. He also undoubtedly feels (rightly or wrongly) that you will choose more wisely for her kids. I don't see the problem.

Thanks all: the general consensus seems to be that I'm overthinking this which I think is probably fair. I don't think it's unreasonable at all that he's seeking my help with this, either financially or in terms of the time commitment, I'm just mildly peeved at the sense of presumption on his part. But appreciate the input.

Yanbu but all this takes is to text him saying "nope the fanily are your friends not mine. Any rudeness from us not sending them gifts when they sent to us is on you, not me."
He's just being lazy. I wouldn't read too much into it.

Given she has sent a gift to your child (nor your DHs) it isn't unreasonable for you to be the one to reciprocate with the buying for her children. If it was your DHs child she'd sent a present too I'd think differently but in this specific situation I see why he has made that assumption

Surely you can pick a board game as a joint present for all three kids on amazon and be done with it. Seems a slight oversight on his part rather than something to get overly annoyed about. He probably thinks you are all friends together now based on the fact youve known her for 2 years.

I didn’t read it as a suggestion by OP, more a question/observation.

If one of DP’s friends bought us/our DC something I can well imagine saying something similar. Surely that’s just a normal reaction? Embarrassment at having been an unexpected recipient? It doesn’t mean that you’re quite literally offering to take on the responsibility of buying them gifts.

I’d expect DP to either say “no, they won’t have expected anything” or “you’re right, I’ll get them something”.

I think it’s slightly strange to expect OP to buy the gifts when she barely knows the family - compared to her DP who clearly knows them well, and they’re “his” friend’s children.

I also think if you reverse the sexes you’d get different answers. Let’s say if OP was childless and her DP had children….if one of OP’s friends had bought gifts for her DP’s children, I don’t think anyone would be suggesting he should buy gifts for children he’s barely met. The expectation would be for OP to buy the children gifts, because it’s the children of her friend. It feels like unconscious bias at work here.

On MN we see a lot of pushback against the woman buying gifts for her male partner’s family. It’s dismissed as wife work. This is exactly the same - his friend, his friend’s children. If he wasn’t on the scene any more, this friend wouldn’t be buying gifts for OP’s DC. The OP’s children only got gifts as an extension of the friendship between the DP and his friend. There is no separate relationship/friendship. Therefore he buys the gifts in return - or asks OP nicely if she’ll help him….

"She got a nice Christmas present for my DD and for me and DP, rather unexpectedly. I said casually to DP when DD opened it that I was mildly embarrassed that I hadn't got her kids something and should we get something small for them?"

Your DP has taken this to mean you think you should give presents back. He knows her better than she does, so he's got something for her, but he doesn't have kids so wants you to make those purchases as he thinks you'll have better ideas!

You need to push back on this at least a little bit or there will be creep. I enjoy and am good at doing the present and card stuff and have an older disabled relative who I will keep doing their bit for, but have already announced that I will do less of the overall work on it all next year, I will write a list of 'X needs to be done by Y date' for anything that shouldn't be my primary responsibility and pass it on in good time, and that's it for 2025, because I am going back to work this Spring and so the balance of who does what needs to change.

I also think if you reverse the sexes you’d get different answers. Let’s say if OP was childless and her DP had children….if one of OP’s friends had bought gifts for her DP’s children, I don’t think anyone would be suggesting he should buy gifts for children he’s barely met.

I disagree.

I think if someone had bought DP's child a gift, nobody would expect OP to get involved in any reciprocal gift giving. There would be a chorus of "it's DP's child; nothing to do with you; don't get roped into the wife work". DP scarcely knows these children either - IME adults only buy Christmas presents for friends' children if they are very close or the children are very young. Personally, in OP's situation, I wouldn't worry about getting a gift at all.

I think you're blowing this out of proportion. She got YOUR child a present, I think it's completely reasonable for him to assume that you would reciprocate for her children.

She got you both a present, he looked after reciprocating that present.

I think you're making a huge deal out of something that isn't. How hard is it to pick up a few book tokens?

Has your DP ever given gifts to her children before? Or is this now just a thing because she has gifted your child a present?

This is how present giving gets to be a chore. It’s daft to get a Christmas present now. I’d message thanking her for the gift and some casual message about how you don’t do much gifting outside the family but looking forward to treating them to ice creams next time you’re on the beach (or whatever appropriate thing).

Otherwise that’s 3 more gifts to buy for evermore.