Why do men….

[Fruitandnuts]

Is it a universal law that when us women are sick with flu - chills, aches, headaches that almost 24 hours later your DP will declare
’i don't feel well either’ ‘I think im sick too’

i metaphorically punched him in the face when he said it (don’t worry i love him really). I just find it fascinating!
Especially when i am not able to help with the baby and trying to recover he keeps coming into the bedroom and asking do i need anything but with DD in his arms and i know he wants to pass her to me 🙄

tell me I'm not alone ?

I don't get this off DH but I have read plenty of threads on it so I know type not alone. It's just a bit pathetic though isn't it especially when it's part of trying to fob the childcare onto you.

Tbf it’s not impossible that someone you live with will catch a virus from you but, if you think he’s making it up, then yeah, he is being a bit pathetic.

I can’t even have the smallest ache or pain without DH developing one to match. Probably a worse one than mine 😂.

It's so weird. I don't get it all.
My dh doesn't do this and I'd really call him out on it if he did.
My friends dh does. She can't even have a headache without her dh declaring he has one too an hour later.
It sounds so weak and feeble of these men. And ridiculous too.

OP what you describe is quite common I think - at least, I know a few people who say the same about their OHs and have to some extent experienced it from my own.

I do however have a theory about why it happens that is a little different to the standard 'men are lazy and don't want to be left with all the work whilst women are giving and selfless' narrative (I'm not saying this is your narrative btw but it does seem to be a frequent assumption).

I reckon a lot of it is down to basic psychology - when sharing a space with someone else who is ill it is easy for someone to fear they will get ill too and end up misinterpretating, exaggerating or becoming hyperaware of their own aches and pains. It isn't necessarily a deliberate strategy. I have noticed often feeling more tired and unwell when my own DH is ill and suspect the above goes a long way to explaining why (no doubt combined with the reality that picking up all chores etc is a bit tiring).

But on top of that we have to explain the sex difference in how people respond to those feelings. Here I suspect a lot of it is about incentives. In a sex-stereotypical relationship men know that if they're off ill in their rooms, the kids will still get looked after and the house will be maintained to a high standard. Women do not have the same confidence and suspect / know that the time they spend in their rooms will be a time of chaos and low standards for the rest of the family. Therefore men have more motivation to accept a desire for rest whilst women have more motivation to push through (to be clear I'm talking about stereotypical relationships with stereotypical divisions of household labour and competence... not the reality for a lot of people).

I also wonder whether traditional expectations around masculinity and male toughness / stoicism come into play. For a lot of men I think being physically ill is the only way they can legitimately have or ask for a break in their own eyes. Women might in general be more likely to have learned that self-care and support are things they can make time for and ask for without feeling guilty... although this is derailed a bit by the cult of self-sacrificing motherhood which holds up the ideal of women never having any needs of their own (again feeding into women being less likely to notice feeling ill or to interpret their bodily sensations as a sign of needing rest).

I have clearly overthought this and perhaps this is a sign that it's just as well that I'm back to work tomorrow!

No. Not all men do this. That's why it is crucially important to only form adult relationships with adults.

@Greywarden interesting theories.
I'll add my thoughts to your theory
Firstly, I'll consider your theory on hyper awareness of symptoms as perhaps having some ground but I think it comes from a self centredness where the man thinks more importance must be given to him and his mild symptom.
I can't agree with your theory regarding men trying to find excuses for self care and get a break. Men seem to feel no guilt for going off to pursue their hobbies, stay in bed or just sit staring at phones or a sports game while their partners do everything.
I feel it's just a way for them to get more of a break especially as more demands could be made on them.

Whenever anyone gets ill in my house my husbands first response is " great I'll get more ill" as he believes he gets any ailment 10 times worse

No, my husband doesn’t really tend to get sick. When he does, I usually come down with it a day later though!!

Doesn't happen here. If i get sick, DH takes over doing all looking after/ feeding the kids, school runs etc. We seem to have opposite immune systems. If he does get sick it's usually when I've got better.

But then it's hardly unusual that if a person has a virus, that the person they live with will also catch it.

No, my DH doesn’t do this. Though I’m sure plenty of partners do genuinely catch the illness.

“Can you stop bringing baby in here, I want to minimise her chances of catching it. Thanks “

It's just another form of strategic helplessness isn't it. 🙄
Not letting you off the hook of being the adult in the room by virtue of being unwell, because he's just as poorly of course, so you're still in the hot seat for being primary carer.

My husband does this with tiredness.

I have chronic insomnia. Most nights I watch him snore sleep his way comfortably through at least 8 hours. He'll argue with me every time that he didn't sleep well and is knackered and then fall asleep on the sofa whenever he gets the opportunity.

Meanwhile I can hardly function I'm so tired.

I don’t see this at all. There are a lot of ‘Why do all men…’ critical threads at the moment.

Yessssss! This. Strategic helplessness. Ugh.

My husband doesn't do this. He generally handles illness better than I do and will try to keep going, whereas I am often knocked for six by viruses. Of course, sometimes we get the same thing in succession but there's no pattern of it always being me first and then him.

Maybe…. They caught it?

No. My DH is brilliant if I am ill.

He seems to have the constitution of an ox and rarely catches anything.
When DC were young, he would look after them if I ,or they were ill, and also happily care for them just so I could have a lie in.

I complain about him, but reading MN has made me appreciate him a lot more.

It definitely is common from reading on here.- some men just don’t like to be asked to hold the fort/ carry on with daily tasks on their own!

Obviously sometimes you will pass illnesses on to each other, but not everyone time, and not “worse” every time.

I do seem to manage to feel ill every time my 10 yo is ill, but weirdly not my teenager. I guess it’s because he is still very much one for cuddles etc and the teenager isn’t!

OP do you know how contagious illnesses work? If you share a living space with someone who has a cold, chances are you'll catch it from them. Last month DP got a cold first and like clockwork I got it a few days later.

The real question is why so many MN posters instinctively think their partners fake illnesses. It's a really weird thing to do and not something I encounter much in real life. When DP or I are ill the other one's instinct is to believe them and look after them (while trying to avoid catching it). If I was ill and my partner always accused me of faking or exaggerating that would be awful.

Well, yes when I'm ill, generally DH will catch it within a couple of days. And when DH is ill, generally I will catch it within a couple of days. That's not that surprising is it?

If he's being useless that's a separate issue.

Loving all the responses!
i usually power through but i am really aching and just feel so off.
i always carve out time for myself to ensure i can have time to myself and he is very encouraging and a great partner.
It was a big decision to have DD and one we thrashed out alot. He works away alot.

It just makes me roll my eyes and not take him seriously when i could put a bet on he’ll behave like this.
i honestly think he panics abit and has to keep checking on me, whereas if he was sick i would get out of his way and let him recover.

the OP was abit tongue in cheek i dont wish to offend the men, i just find it fascinating how different we approach life.

When I used to have a husband, he would always bring out his secret weapon when I was ill. His mother. No way was he going to look after me and take time out of his very important schedule of "being in his shed".

DP does this as well, and it drives me up the wall. Plot twist, I'm male, she's female!

It’s not weak and feeble - it’s cold and calculated.

They’re selfish fuckwits who are 😱 at the thought of taking care of their partner/ child/ house. They’re pathetic, but in a disgusting, selfish way. They’re not actually weak.