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Original poster

Quick responses please - should I let 16yo stay out tonight?

45 replies

Tusktusk · 01/01/2025 17:21

DD is 16 and has made a load of new mates at college. Mix of girls and boys. I don’t know these people or their parents. Some are older than DD - 17 and 18 year olds.

She wants to hang around with them as much as possible.

She went to a NYE party last night at one of their houses. Stayed over (pre agreed by me). I know there was alcohol involved as some of her friends are a bit older. We have talked about safe drinking etc.

Now she has been there all day and has messaged asking if she can sleepover tonight as well. She is with her female friend, friend’s boyfriend, friend’s boyfriend’s sister all at the friend’s boyfriend’s house. She says the mum is there too, that they won’t be drinking tonight and are just going to watch films and hang out. DD doesn’t have a boyfriend.

I’m not happy because I think she should come home and spend some time with her family. Also she will be in need of a shower etc. But at 16, I really don’t know how much I should be limiting her freedom or if this is an unreasonable request.

Please help me with your words of wisdom! I’m in new territory. DD never really had friends like this before, she never went out anywhere until recently.

I am being unreasonable - let her stay out another night

I am not being unreasonable - tell her to come home

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Tusktusk · 01/01/2025 17:22

Also worried that she is outstaying her welcome but I can’t check with the parent because I don’t know these people. She says everybody wants her to stay.

OP posts:
Passthecake30 · 01/01/2025 17:23

Given the time, I’d say yes for tonight but ask her to come home for midday.

Has she got clean clothes?

O6bftdff · 01/01/2025 17:24

She’s 16! Of course you should let her.

AllTheGlitter · 01/01/2025 17:24

Only you know what your daughter is like but knowing me at 16 I would say you are not being unreasonable. Have you checked to see if the friend's mum is really home?

MildredSauce · 01/01/2025 17:24

Personally I'd ask for a quick word with the mum to check all's ok there and if so then let her go for it.

Give her a non-negotiable deadline for tomorrow if that makes you feel better.

ILoveAnnaQuay · 01/01/2025 17:24

I'd let her stay. Sounds like she is having a great time. But tell her she needs to come home on Thursday

Original poster
Tusktusk · 01/01/2025 17:25

Also, I haven’t even seen her yet this year and she is going to her dad’s tomorrow night for 2 nights. I feel like I’m losing my baby. Sad But that’s my problem, not hers, and not relevant to my question really.

OP posts:
deademptyduck · 01/01/2025 17:25

The age 16-18 is when I saw the biggest changes in my children. It's the time to start allowing more freedom and more experiences. Have the chats. Make sure she knows how to contact you and that you are available whenever you may be needed. Have the safe sex talk just in case etc. But be open and let her start living this new exciting life. If you've raised a decent child they won't go to far wrong. In the meantime you have to adjust to letting your child grow and eventually leave. It's tough but also rewarding.

Lobstercrisps · 01/01/2025 17:25

Yes of course you should let her stay. I have a DD16 and I would absolutely trust her.

Scutterbug · 01/01/2025 17:25

I would let her, it sounds like she is having fun x

Anon1274 · 01/01/2025 17:26

I’d let her. She’s clearly been invited so don’t see how she’s overstaying her welcome. At 16 I wouldn’t be coming home even if I was told to

Whoknew24 · 01/01/2025 17:26

I had my own flat at 16 I’d let her stay. She’s been in communication with you.

I get it’s not easy but she needs more independence at 16.

Onthefence87 · 01/01/2025 17:27

I would want to have spoken to the mum and know the address of where she is (if you don't already) which might help determine whether it's somewhere safe and appropriate.Yes she is 16 but I certainly didn't have my head screwed on at that age and could have been easily led into trouble.She is still at an age where she needs parental guidance and supervision to a certain extent, especially if this behaviour seems unusual and intense.

InkHeart2024 · 01/01/2025 17:27

Tusktusk · 01/01/2025 17:25

Also, I haven’t even seen her yet this year and she is going to her dad’s tomorrow night for 2 nights. I feel like I’m losing my baby. Sad But that’s my problem, not hers, and not relevant to my question really.

What kind of company would she be if you made her come home from fun with friends to hang out with you?? She'd be moody and resentful. You have to loosen the apron strings, she's 16 and at college. She's not your baby anymore.

DoThePropeller · 01/01/2025 17:28

I’d suggest a compromise of a late lift home - she doesn’t miss out but a decent night of sleep at home and a few hours together tomorrow.

Theimpossiblegirl · 01/01/2025 17:29

She has asked. I'd let her. Keep communicating with her and you won't lose her. Arrange to do a nice lunch or something when she's back from her dad's.

TheOtherAgentJohnson · 01/01/2025 17:29

Bit dramatic to say you haven’t seen her this year, when the year is less than 24 hours in.

At 16 I wouldn’t ask my mum for permission, and if she’d demanded I come home I’d have thought she was bonkers.

Original poster
Tusktusk · 01/01/2025 17:32

TheOtherAgentJohnson · 01/01/2025 17:29

Bit dramatic to say you haven’t seen her this year, when the year is less than 24 hours in.

At 16 I wouldn’t ask my mum for permission, and if she’d demanded I come home I’d have thought she was bonkers.

I know what you mean, it’s just that all this is quite new for her. She really didn’t ever go out anywhere until very recently. A real home bird and very close to me.
I’m glad she’s doing these things really. It’s just taking some adjustment.

OP posts:
Pyjamatimenow · 01/01/2025 17:33

I would not like it but it’s better to keep communication open with her. Saying no to her wont necessarily help you in the long run. I think I would be wanting the address of where she is and a phone call before bed to check in she’s all ok. Possibly set up a safe word with her as well so she can call if she feels uncomfortable about anything.

HPandthelastwish · 01/01/2025 17:36

I'd offer a compromise and pick her up, take her home for a shower and change of clothes and take her back for 8:30-9pm

That way you can check in and see her, she can get her bag ready for dads. And also have a bit of physical distance of the friends in the unlikely chance something untoward is going on.

toomuchfaff · 01/01/2025 17:37

Let her stay out, after NYE, MYD can be a cabbage day just chilling and chatting and doing not very much. Making her come home will turn you into the killjoy parent who doesn't let her do anything, she won't enjoy time at home, it'll be a huff.

InkHeart2024 · 01/01/2025 17:39

Tusktusk · 01/01/2025 17:32

I know what you mean, it’s just that all this is quite new for her. She really didn’t ever go out anywhere until very recently. A real home bird and very close to me.
I’m glad she’s doing these things really. It’s just taking some adjustment.

Show quote history

You should be relieved that she's finding her tribe. Friendships are so important for development at this age.

MildredSauce · 01/01/2025 17:39

Tusktusk · 01/01/2025 17:32

I know what you mean, it’s just that all this is quite new for her. She really didn’t ever go out anywhere until very recently. A real home bird and very close to me.
I’m glad she’s doing these things really. It’s just taking some adjustment.

Show quote history

It's down to you being a fab mum. She's got the confidence to socialise and the emotional intelligence to communicate properly with you and ask. Well done!

PickledOwl1 · 01/01/2025 17:41

I have an 18 year old and a 26 year old so I've been here

My compromise would be yes, you can stay but I'd like a very quick word with mum or dad. I'd like to be as sure as I could be that she was in a safe environment

oakleaffy · 01/01/2025 17:51

Tusktusk · 01/01/2025 17:25

Also, I haven’t even seen her yet this year and she is going to her dad’s tomorrow night for 2 nights. I feel like I’m losing my baby. Sad But that’s my problem, not hers, and not relevant to my question really.

Ah yes- It’s poignant when our children grow up and we have to let the reins slip through our fingers and give them their heads more…

But it’s good to start doing this, @Tusktusk
Let her know you trust her to be sensible, and she probably will be.

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