Quick responses please - should I let 16yo stay out tonight?

[Tusktusk]

DD is 16 and has made a load of new mates at college. Mix of girls and boys. I don’t know these people or their parents. Some are older than DD - 17 and 18 year olds.

She wants to hang around with them as much as possible.

She went to a NYE party last night at one of their houses. Stayed over (pre agreed by me). I know there was alcohol involved as some of her friends are a bit older. We have talked about safe drinking etc.

Now she has been there all day and has messaged asking if she can sleepover tonight as well. She is with her female friend, friend’s boyfriend, friend’s boyfriend’s sister all at the friend’s boyfriend’s house. She says the mum is there too, that they won’t be drinking tonight and are just going to watch films and hang out. DD doesn’t have a boyfriend.

I’m not happy because I think she should come home and spend some time with her family. Also she will be in need of a shower etc. But at 16, I really don’t know how much I should be limiting her freedom or if this is an unreasonable request.

Please help me with your words of wisdom! I’m in new territory. DD never really had friends like this before, she never went out anywhere until recently.

I am being unreasonable - let her stay out another night

I am not being unreasonable - tell her to come home

Thanks

I think it’s harder for single/divorced parents when the only other person in the house is ones child-
Don’t worry, @Tusktusk , they pull away to come back - It’s absolutely natural and healthy for her to be finding friends at this age-
But I definitely remember the lonely feeling when son went out- and listening out for the sound of keys 🔑 in door.

Do you know where she is staying ? I'd want to know the address and a mobile number for the mum or dad so I could send a quick text to check they are ok with her staying another night.

and if you play your cards right @Tusktusk the next gathering will be at yours and you'll be holed up in your room on your ipad while they spread throughout the house!! 🤣

No I'd make mine come home and have a wash, definitely won't be doing that there.

Presumably she can hop in the shower there?

I'd let her stay. I think at 16 you need to accept the fact that it's a certainty that she will drift away from the family a bit and want to see friends more. That's completely normal.

At 16 I had a boyfriend who was 2.5 years older than me and drove a car!
he lived 20 miles away and I’d spend weekends at his house.
Weve got to let our children grow up at some point

How can you say that she ‘definitely won’t’ have a wash at her friends? I’ve always managed to clean myself at friends houses even as a teen.

I think the right thing to do is let her stay. She’s 16, in communication and doing entirely normal & healthy things for her age.

With teenagers you have to adjust before you know you will need to adjust, there’s never time to prepare yourself for the next stage. I would agree to stay but ask her to check in on text regularly. It’s good that she has new friends.

Don't see the big deal about not having a shower for 2 days, she can have one when she gets home.

Check in with the parents and make sure she isn't outstaying her welcome

Crack open the wine and enjoy the quiet time!

You mean you'd not like your dd using the bathroom at someone else's house?

They'll be fine and I'm sure the friend's boyfriend will have had his t shirts raided and they all smell of Lynx by now. Teens cope.

My DS had a fab mixed friendship group from that age. There were a few "moments" (and I'm sure some things I was never told) but they all had each others backs and they were a joy to be around.

This is very true.

This is reminding me of college for me at 16 - it was a great time, and my parents trusted me and therefore I'd always tell them the truth about what we were doing!

A lot of others would start telling little lies to do the stuff they wanted to anyway.

You sound like you're doing a great job though and I'm sure my parents were worrying a lot, but it's the horrid age where things change a lot and they start to get much more freedom!

Could you offer to drop her some clean clothes? Then you at least get to lay eyes on her and see she's okay, which I'm sure she is!

Id want to know the address & possibly the parent's phone number

Let her stay. Those college days and hanging out with my mates were some of my favourite years. Friendships at that age are so intense and important

This. I’d be surprised if they’ve even gotten out of last nights pj’s

This is a good idea as well

Well you let her go to the party so I can’t see any harm in another night.

She presumably just spent Christmas with the family, so a couple days with friends seems reasonable.

You are loosing your baby cos that’s what happens, but it sounds like you did a good job with her and your relationship will evolve.

I would let her but give a time for when she needs to be home tomorrow