To draw a line under trying for a baby.

[Dutchandglory]

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for almost 10 years, now both late 30s and I feel done with this stage of my life. We both test as healthy and there’s no findable cause. IVF is not a route I wish to go down and we haven’t, my husband is keen to try this route.

That is absolutly your right.
You may want to have time for a full discussion with him as well to ensure you're both understanding your own and each others plans. Including what this means for your marrige.

From what understand, IVF is hard going for the woman. So no YANBU to say no to that.

is there any other treatment other than IVF that you can try?

I have watched one of my close friends go through IVF twice, both unsuccessful sadly and I now know this is 100% something I don't want to do. If your DH wants to try it he can want that but the toll IVF takes on a woman is massive and I think its one of those things you have to really, really want to do.

Sorry just to clarify he can want it but it doesn't mean you have to do it.

Why do you not want to try IVF, out of interest?

It's your body and your choice although important to listen and understand his perspectives. I had 6 unsuccessful rounds of ivf in my late 30s and would do it all again. I didn't find it too hard on my body but I was fit and slim. It was a mental rollercoaster - the positives of feeling like we were doing something to achieve our desired outcome, and the lows of it not working.

You can make the decision to stop trying any time you choose. You and DH need to discuss what it means for your future though - do you both want each other more than you want children?

IVF is incredibly hard. You're allowed to choose not to.

Do you think he will stay around if you decide not to?

I don't blame you op. Myself and dh had fertility struggles last year and after seeing my friend go through 3 rounds of ivf, I told dh that I wouldn't do it. Its an extremely difficult process with no guarantees

YANBU. I’m 40 this year, TTC for 13 years. I’ve accepted it’s not going to happen and just enjoying the life DH and I are building.

I did IVF and didn't find it as hard as people say. I think the emotional impact (especially if you are heavily invested in the outcome) is worse than the physical impact. I kept working and getting on with normal life throughout which helped.

But if you don't want to do that, that is fine.

DH and I TTC 12yrs and eventually stopped when I was 43. We too had no medical issues found. I got pregnant naturally, twice but both MC'd and initially also didn't want or plan to have IVF. We just assumed it would happen. By the time we did try IVF, we had to wait months for referral and I then only qualified for 1 round due to being over 40. I then had several rounds of IVF, got pregnant 1st cycle but also MC'd.

I didn't find the IVF bad at all! I wrongly assumed the meds would make me feel hormonal, but they didn't. It was sad that things didn't work out for us, but I certainly didn't feel it was the emotional rollercoasting some woman talk about. I also didn't take days, nor weeks off work after my losses. Everyone is different though.

Is there any particular reason/s you don't want IVF?

IVF mum here. Similar experience to this. But it’s a toss up really if it will be hard for you or not.

I’ve had IVF and I think it gets a bad rap. For me it was pretty straight forward. Don’t get me wrong, a few uncomfortable procedures, but no side effects, no time off work except day of egg collection. I booked the day off work. I have never told a soul I had IVF, it really wasn’t the traumatic, harrowing thing everyone makes it out to be. It worked first time and didn’t cost us anything as we had 1 free go on the NHS. Three years later I did it again paying £6-7k and it worked first time.

I had health issues and so did my DH so your case sounds more straightforward than ours.

I was 36 and 39, both children are healthy.

Ultimately it’s your decision but ivf can get a bad press, it just wasn’t like that for me.

For some it’s very hard, for others (me) it was really straightforward. Nothing painful, harrowing or upsetting about the whole process. I had one day off work and two healthy children as a result. I’ve never told anyone I had IVF, told work I had a few dentist appointments for an abscess on my wisdom tooth.

IVF was a walk in the park compared to labour.

I’m not minimising how awful it can be for some women, but I would hate women to be put off what can be a relatively easy experience.

I had IVF, last cycle over 20 years ago now, and it was utterly shit. Everything that could go wrong did. Not trying to put you off OP, I’m sure techniques have moved on since I did it, but it is pretty gruelling. All your DH will have to do is wank I to a cup so it’s easy for him to be enthusiastic about it! It’s a perfectly valid choice to not want to do it.

We had unexplained infertility. We decided 40 years of age was my cut off and I didn't want to go IVF route for various reasons.

I think it can be really liberating to realise that you've come to the end of the road with something. There can be a lot of relief in giving up the struggle. Good for you, and I wish you peace with the whole process of letting go

Yes this is so true.

I have been through a lot of fertility interventions and am now pregnant. We went through several years of trying and thinking it would never work for us, and it was a rough ride, but now here we are, and it's absolutely incredible. And we never would have been able to get here naturally.

I just wanted to say, please don't refuse IVF outright if the only reason is because you are scared of the unknown. It's totally understandable to be scared, but it might not be as awful as you think, and it might be worth it in the end.

If you do still on some level want a child, I would urge you to do your research and find out more about fertility treatments.

It might also be that a much less invasive treatment (IUI) is suitable for you, and you are absolutely not too old.

Of course, if you are really past the stage where you want a child, then it's completely your right to draw a line under it, whatever your husband says. If one person in a couple doesn't want a child, then that couple shouldn't have a child.

I'm just saying, please don't discount IVF out of fear alone. I would go through everything I have been through all over again to get to where I am now.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

I think you are lucky that it worked first time - the traumatic, harrowing experiences are often when people have had multiple rounds (which is more trying on the body) and years of hoping and waiting. This is what I've been through, and yes it was hard at times - but I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Honestly I'd give IVF one shot and then draw your line. Then you'll know you tried. But I say that as someone who had two babies from my only round, so that colours my view.

Of course, this is entirely your decision, but just joining others above to say that I didn't find IVF that hard.
Physically, it wasn't hard at all. Plus, it was all over quite quickly (difficult to remember now, but from beginning medications to getting a positive or negative test, was less than two months, maybe only 5 weeks? I don't recall now). Our second attempt was successful. I am sure this makes a difference - and that some of what makes IVF painful is when couples try for years, facing so many disappointments. But, if this is something you have wanted for 10 years, why not just try, say, 2 or 3 cycles, before deciding it isn't meant to be?

I think this is relevant.

From the little sample on this thread, women who were successful, particularly successful after one round, seem to be much more positive about IVF. My two friends whose IVF was unsuccessful after many rounds do not feel the same say.

Memory is a tricky thing once you add meaning to it. Many things are 'worth it' depending on the outcome.

OP, are you still there?

@MissScarletInTheBallroom just not a route I personally want to try, I’ve very much been if it happens naturally it happens if it doesn’t it doesn’t. My husband is the broody one and wants to give it a shot .