To want to leave my husband

[NewAccount1990]

So, long story short - I hate my husband. I feel pregnant 6 months into the relationship, we have a gorgeous daughter, who is now 5. He has 2 kids from a previous marriage (really difficult kids, who live with us 50% of the time). I have a son from a previous relationship (did reside with us 75% of the time until 6 months ago when he found his step brothers so obnoxious, he rarely sleeps but visits when they aren't here)

I reluctantly got married in October. I'd begged my partner to agree to a script as to why we were cancelling to save us both embarrassment and he refused. I ended up getting married, despite expressing to him daily I didn't want to go through with it and him responding he's doing therapy, he's so sorry for past mistakes and that I'm punishing the kids and humiliating myself, if I pulled out.

Post marriage- I've discovered lie after lie. About his financies, about his friendships, about his drinking, about how much his parents do (we agreed we'd paid for thr wedding without their financial input as they are in control of everything)- yet 48 hours after the wedding i find out, they gifted him £3k towards the wedding. We earn the same, and he claimed he was saving monthly like I was to afford the wedding. I found out he didn't do the therapy he agreed - this was around his lies. There's £1000s of his wage unaccounted for. I found viagra, and he admitted got ED and can't get hard at all without medication.

I'm devastated by the deception. We sleep in different rooms. I don't wear my ring. I cry all the time. AIBU to leave?, he claims im going back on my vows and im throwing in the towel without trying?

I know it's humiliating as we've only been married 2 months.

I have admiration for those who have the courage to leave a bad situation quickly. If it's not right, trust your gut

The only worse thing than staying one year is staying 20 years.

You could probably get an annulment if there was loads of lies.

@3luckystars - I have been reading about annulments and this is hopefully the route I'll take. There's few examples I can find, but the whole marriage was built on lies - so I'm hopeful it falls under one of the categories

Why on earth did you get married when you knew it was the wrong thing to do? If I've read this correctly you went ahead with it "to avoid embarrassment"??? You can't go through life like this. Decisions that could affect the rest of your life are more important than saving face.

You need to get a divorce. You haven't been married long so the financial element is likely to be reasonably straightforward. But don't fall victim to the sunk costs fallacy and allow yourself to be convinced you need to "work at" something which is palpably wrong. It's making you very unhappy so quit while you're ahead and leave.

I also recommend some therapy: it sounds like you have a great deal of trouble asserting yourself and you need to get this sorted?

Why on earth did you get married? You need to take some responsibility for this too.

Ditch him fast and maybe get some therapy

The one thing I took from this was your son !! He was pushed out from his own home ? See that would have been the end right there for me, my son would have came first.

He is very manipulative OP. I can't believe that he guilted you into getting married. You have huge boundaries issues.

But to answer your question, yes you absolutely should get him out of your life. You have to given that you can't assert yourself around him and he doesn't treat you right. Getting rid is the only way forward.

@Thepeopleversuswork & @SapphOhNo you are both absolutely right, and I started therapy the first week of December.

I knew it was wrong to get married, I let him know that and I also cried to my dad saying I didn't want to get married to him. My dad didn't turn up at the wedding in protest.

I started therapy as I no longer recognised myself. I've always been strong and independent and have been worn down by this relationship. For example, my daughter is treated very differently by his family - and he always told me its because we weren't married. I married partly for acceptance of her and I. Coupled with trying to save face, of explaining why I was cancelling a wedding... Which is ridiculous on reflection.

You don't need a therapist or Mumsnet to tell you that you wouldn't be unreasonable to leave your husband.

What you need now is legal and practical advice.

Get out now before you get stuck in the rut. It’s awful that your child won’t stay due to how obnoxious your DH’s sons are. 😢

@NewAccount1990

Well done: it sounds like this has been a bit of a wake-up call and you're doing the work you need to do to reset your sense of self and get some control back. I know its not easy and an unsupportive marriage can really make you doubt yourself but you really need to learn some more robust boundaries.

Whether you get an annulment or a divorce you need to focus on pushing this through: you know its the right thing to do. And continue with the therapy.

You will come out the other side of this and look back on it as something which made you who you are. And hopefully rebuild your relationship with your son.

@muggart - I used to have boundaries, I genuinely did. Ive left the relationship twice, once when I was 7 months pregnant.

I told him the week before Christmas, if he doesn't change, and told any more lies, I would leave. He did. And this is why I'm here now. He's given me the full sob story about how "I'm destroying him" by saying I'm ending the marriage. And he's given me the whole, give me one more chance, just until the end of January but I've maintained my position, spent Christmas and new years apart, and I've slept in the spare room.

Start with the practical steps. Housing. Make sure you have somewhere to live with your children, including your older one who sounds like he would be far happier if you weren't with this lying, manipulative man. Is your current house in joint names?
Speak to a solicitor ASAP and file for divorce (possibly annulment if what he has done constituates fraud and duress). He can't refuse to divorce you.
You've been married such a short time there won't be much accrued in terms of assets during the marriage to split.

@Cherrysoup - his kids are awful, and I don't blame them, between him, his family and his ex-wife, they have no boundaries. The kids run wild, ruin the house and refused to go to bed. They are chaotic - they made allegations about me and my son to school, which simply weren't true, and to protect myself and my son, I allowed him to make the decision to spend less time home. The last 6 months, have been the worst of my life

Where does your son live and how old is he? Apologies OP if you already answered this.

5 mins away, with his dad. I see him most days and we are really close, as he is with his sister. Part of me leaving is for him, we miss each other so much, and I know he worries about me. He's 14. I've promised him it won't be like this forever.

You owe your son a fuck of a lot of grovelling. And no, you are not "really close"- someone who is "really close" to their son wouldn't choose a man and his kids over him.

Look: you are describing a situation in which you have tried and tried to get out but always get sucked back. You are obviously being coercively controlled by him very skillfully and it is very difficult to leave such a relationship. Maybe some people here at mumsnet, or even in the real world, won’t understand that because his manipulation and abuse are large psychological and covert. But this is the case. Despite feeling uneasy and knowing the marriage was wrong you still went through with it. Now you are wishing for an annulment? That is not likely to be the easiest route out—thiugh t would feel great to annul the marriage as it would feel like a public slap back at him.

Go back to your father, if he would be supportive, and consult with a skilled local lawyer. What are your rights towards your dh and his family property if you stay married, and if you divorce? What are the risks to your own property if you divorce?

Can you offer a swop that appeals to them where you renounce claims on his property in order to get out?

You need to do whatever you can to leave—think of it like gnawing your paw off to getbout of a trap. Frankly, if you can, I would just take your little girl and leave. Tell him you will share his lies, incompetence, and sexual dysfunction if he doesn’t let you leave amicably and quuetly. Just act to dissolve the marriage and separate unilaterally if you can not start divorce proceedings right away.

@IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine - totally respect your view, but at the time the alternative was to become homeless with my two children.

We own a house together, my husband was very clear he wasn't moving out. I had no access to my own bank accounts, didnt have a penny, and was at risk of being investigated and losing my wage because of his kids allegations.

Oh stop! This is absurdly cruel given the situation she is describing.

I have to agree, it looks like you’re choosing a man and his thoroughly obnoxious kids over your son who’s moved out to get away from the situation. Don’t hang about, get away asap.

@pikkumyy77 - we own the house 5050. We both put £80k each as deposit on it. I'll booked a valuation, as I couldn't buy him out quick enough, so would have to sell.

The fall out with my dad, was hugely levied on the fact I didn't want to sell my previous house, and my partner pushed and pushed telling me how I was showing I wasn't committed to our daughter and family, and wanted one foot in and one foot out. Again, I know on reflection this was his was of making me dependant on him. I have this whole transcript of the discussions around me begging him to allow me to keep my house. But I accept I made stupid decision after stupid decision.

I 100% accept I'm an idiot. I'm not hiding from that.

Ok well Im not calling you an idiot and I don’t think that is helpful to you so unless it us jyst ignore the bashing you are getting from some pisters.

WHEN YOU KNOW BETTER YOU DO BETTER. So now you know that this man is dangerous and you are vulnerable to manipulation snd coercion start to put things in place to protect yourself from being brow beaten back into line.

You don’t owe your abuser anything. Look at the situation and figure out who you can depend on—any ride or die friends? Will your father back you up? Then just move out and cut direct communication. Have all communication go through a solicitor you instruct. Don’t respond immiediatly to either pleas or threats. Wait 48 hours and consult with your solicitor before making any decisions on a response.

Since he can easily manipulate you getting clear us the first priority. After thst its all about negotiation if the exact terms if the divirce. But the separation itself is not negotiable.

The situation where she knew she shouldn't have married him but did it anyway? Four months after her son had moved out to get away from this man and his children?

So this man coerced you into losing your house and your son, and into a marriage that you didn't want? And he somehow blocked you from your bank accounts?

You need to stop asking his permission and taking his feelings into account. It doesn't matter what he wants or what he says. His feelings are no longer your concern. Be selfish. You owe him nothing.