Assertive ways to stop giving/receiving so many birthday and Christmas presents in 2025.

[AssertiveWordsToStopPresents]

AIBU to ask for assertive and clear ways, words, ideas to stop giving (and receiving) birthday and Christmas presents for the majority of friends and family in 2025. DD turned 18 last year. I have decided I will continue to buy birthday and Christmas presents for friends with children under 18 until they turn 18. Then stop and buy them a 21st present (Final present). Everyone else (except my Mum) I will not buy presents for unless they have a BIG birthday (for example my sister is 50 next year) or I am seeing/spending time with them in person. I have thought long and hard about this and would really appreciate some constructive suggestions about when/how I communicate this to my friends and family. My reasons are - the whole present buying, wrapping, giving has become totally overwhelming, expensive and stressful. I (expect to get flamed for this!) always give more than I receive and sometimes I am buying/giving things because of a sense of duty/obligation. It is not always coming from the heart and that doesn't sit well with me. I always give more than I get - sometimes stuff I receive is clearly regifted and/or thoughtless. I want to simplify my life. Have less stuff/clutter. I do not need anymore candles, smellies, purses which other people clearly don't want either as they have in some cases palmed off last year's unwanted gift from other people onto me. Two people said "I know you don't have time to read (I don't) but I got you a book" One of them added "I'll read it when you've finished it." Some adult family members never even say thank you for the presents even though they are things they like. It has all become madness and I am tired of it/want to do things differently. Same with Christmas cards - apart from one couple who always send a really nice update about their lives - if I haven't seen/heard from you since your last Christmas card then really, what is the point? Next year I really want to go away for Christmas/New Year with DD and have a total break from it all (my family is quite dysfunctional/controlling and I have little in common with them). Spending time with them (this is always expected) is not fun and is pretty stressful for me. OK for DD. Please can anyone help me do things differently in 2025 i.e. set boundaries / limits. Thank you if you have read all of this. Writing this has been helpful/therapeutic for me - I know what I want (cut down on birthday/Christmas presents/cards and go away next year/be free from all duty/obligation without feeling guilty). How do I communicate this clearly and effectively? Happy New Year x

I’d just message well in advance of events to say ‘I’m no longer doing presents for birthdays/Christmas except for little ones’. Dead simple. At the same time, say ‘Let’s not do presents anymore, we buy what we want throughout the year so it’s a waste.’ I told a friend I wasn’t doing presents this year. It’s pointless, she gets me an Amazon voucher, I get her similar, it’s just stupid.

I just outright told people we weren't buying cards and gifts this year. It wasn't a big deal, and everyone understood our reasons. There's no need to do anything else than just tell them.

We only buy for the children now or it does get ridiculous. We did have a family secret santa for the adults but thats fizzled out now .

I don't think it was discussed when I turned 18. Gifts just stopped, I remember being surprised but my mum explained I was turning 19 and it was because I was an adult. Still got a card. Do you need to "inform" anyone?

We do family Secret Santa for adults .. and people are added once they turn 18 (though I do still send cash to even at 18 .. because I want to)

Always buy a birthdate present, but mindful to give something useful.

Present giving should be about enjoyment, if it’s not enjoyable don’t do it. It should also not be about what you get in return .. down that path lies misery

My friends and I agreed to stop buying birthday presents a couple of years ago. I've gradually reduced present buying and receiving for adults in my family to birthdays only. I currently buy birthday and Christmas presents for the children. I'm hoping to reduce further next year to no adult birthday presents. What a relief it has been and will be as we're a huge family.

I think not giving presents is easy, as is "only giving to the under 11s" but the rest of your caveats are far too complicated. Big birthdays, seeing/spending time with, 21st after nothing for 19th and 20th...

Keep it simple.

You have to be quite firm. Some people just can’t seem to get out of the habit/are afraid of seeming mean. Just say it directly, i.e “now the nephews/nieces etc are over 18, I’m no longer buying presents and please don’t get any for me.” Maybe a reminder before Xmas etc.

With kids it's easy - pick an age and stick to it.
With adults, agree to ditch all presents and spend the money saved on meeting up for coffee/lunch/theatre/football match/whatever. It means you don't have a house full of junk, and you also have plans to spend some fun time with friends or family. Most people are thrilled when you suggest it.

Just be clear, early enough in the year. I now have very few friends with children under 18. Some of whom we've never done presents. Others I continued until 21 - just let my friends know. Friends have just naturally stopped at 18 for my DC. I am part of a small family and we've just about stopped. So Christmas cards are my next target to reduce. I'm stopping distant relatives from next year. Put a note in this years card with full contact details. It's really helped me to simplify.

I sent polite txt / WhatsApp in October saying we have enough things and we wouldn't be doing presents apart from for children. No issues ( or random tat!) from friend or family

For friends just said shall we stop? Appreciate the presents but it's getting difficult to know what to get so shall we buy ourselves something we want with the money? (All said yes).
With family adults...shall we limit to £10 token presents? One side said yes, the other said let's stop.
Kids get chocolate and cash (nieces/nephews and their kids)
Non immediate family kids I gave more cash at 18 but told them it was the last present.

Please be clear with people but also take into consideration people who may not recieve many gifts.

I frequently used to be on the receiving end of many moans from people about how they couldn't cope with the number of gifts they got so they were going to cut it off, while I recieved very few.

Gradually as I aged, people started just buying for the kids or saying "let's not do it this year" and a few years my present pile dwindled to zero. I also don't have children which felt like a particular kick when it was declared "we will just do children"

People without partners are especially vulnerable to this. Don't get me wrong it's not about the presents, but just to feel important and thought about by people.

Completely understandable from my friends point of view, but as my siblings, best friends etc declared it all to much I got left behind

Just be sensitive if you are talking of being overwhelmed by stuff that some people might not be. I've since noticed it happening to some older family members

I told several friends l wouldn't be buying for their kids and in return, don't expect them to buy for mine. Everyone accepted it - easy.
One friend always says how she never knows what to get my child so l say don't bother and neither will l but she keeps going so l get her kids a bog standard selection box --in the hope next year she will decide it's not worth it

Going forward I now only buy for a new baby when they are born, first Christmas & first birthday so I don’t get dragged into buying for increasing number of family & friends children.

We have adults doing secret santa, with a budget, then have all the kids (cousins) in the family doing a separate secret santa with a smaller budget of £10-15. Buying isn't stressful as we only have to concentrate on 1 person and everyone has something to open on christmas morning. I couldn't cope with Buying for every niece and nephew and every sibling and in law! But everyone needs to be in agreement for that to work.

Thank you everyone. That's really clear and helpful. I have been overthinking this/feeling guilty. Really appreciate everyone sharing your experience and suggestions. I am going to act on this. It is hard to change habits of a lifetime however I will. New Year New Me and all that :) Thank you x

Please be clear with people but also take into consideration people who may not recieve many gifts.

I do think people need to be mindful of this and sometimes they aren’t.

I have 4 siblings, we buy each other small gifts at Christmas, plus gifts for kids. Our parents are dead now.
3 of us have 3 children each.
One is married, no kids.
One is single, no kids.

SIL suggests every year that we just buy for the kids. But how would this be in any way fair to the siblings that don’t have kids?

Start telling people now. But ultimately it has to come from you. Inevitably you will occasionally get something from someone this year who hasn't clocked that you said or didn't think you meant it. Don't rush out and buy something in return; that was their choice, stick to your guns.

I would stop at 18 for everyone. My sons about to turn 21 and obviously I'm getting him a present but certainly not to anyone else's kids.

My sisters and I stopped buying for each others children when the oldest was about 12 - it has made life so much easier for both of us. I only buy now token gifts for my son, daughter as a student we still buy a more expensive gift for. Don't buy big gift for DH and vice versa. Still buy present for parents. It has made life so much easier - less to worry about and stress about. We do send Christmas cards but send less where people use virtual cars. Stress reduced considerably.

I think sometimes secret santa is the way to go for things like this to narrow it down but not exclude people

People just don't think sometimes, it becomes overwhelming and they just assume people are drowning under piles of gifts.

now I'm married I get reliable gifts from dw so it's not so bad but i wouldn't be someone that you would have assumed wouldn't have had gifts.

I had lots of good friends and siblings, neices, nephews and a fairly big family of cousins etc but everyone had the same idea of cutting back on gifts, secret Santa's became gifts for the younger generation etc.

I never said anything because I knew the intent behind it was good but just got quietly left behind once my dm wasn't well enough to get me a gift.

In someways it wasn't always the lack of gifts but the awkward conversations about how overwhelmed by all their presents, their houses were overflowing etc l.

Yes I agree. One of my sisters never had children and she is very generous with my children and grandchildren. I always get a few nice gifts for the grandkids to give her. It wouldn't be fair otherwise.

Fewer gifts is best. Once people are older than 21 in our family, they join Secret Santa - one gift with a set limit.

For friends, a card and sometimes a consumable at most.
For old relatives a gift of a visit, a meal out or a drive to a garden etc.

From time to time someone suggests a joint outing, say to a water park, or ballet and each pays for themselves.

Be prepared to stick to your guns even if you feel awkward. I did this and one very stubborn family member gave us presents the first year. We said thank you but didn't reciprocate. They gave us presents the second year. Again, thank you but nothing back. Twice was enough and we now just do cards at Christmas.

It’s January 1st, perfect day to decide what you’re going to do and declare it on social media. Make sure you state that you don’t want to receive gifts either. Post a reminder a month before your birthday, including a charity link if you wish.