Assertive ways to stop giving/receiving so many birthday and Christmas presents in 2025.

[AssertiveWordsToStopPresents]

AIBU to ask for assertive and clear ways, words, ideas to stop giving (and receiving) birthday and Christmas presents for the majority of friends and family in 2025. DD turned 18 last year. I have decided I will continue to buy birthday and Christmas presents for friends with children under 18 until they turn 18. Then stop and buy them a 21st present (Final present). Everyone else (except my Mum) I will not buy presents for unless they have a BIG birthday (for example my sister is 50 next year) or I am seeing/spending time with them in person. I have thought long and hard about this and would really appreciate some constructive suggestions about when/how I communicate this to my friends and family. My reasons are - the whole present buying, wrapping, giving has become totally overwhelming, expensive and stressful. I (expect to get flamed for this!) always give more than I receive and sometimes I am buying/giving things because of a sense of duty/obligation. It is not always coming from the heart and that doesn't sit well with me. I always give more than I get - sometimes stuff I receive is clearly regifted and/or thoughtless. I want to simplify my life. Have less stuff/clutter. I do not need anymore candles, smellies, purses which other people clearly don't want either as they have in some cases palmed off last year's unwanted gift from other people onto me. Two people said "I know you don't have time to read (I don't) but I got you a book" One of them added "I'll read it when you've finished it." Some adult family members never even say thank you for the presents even though they are things they like. It has all become madness and I am tired of it/want to do things differently. Same with Christmas cards - apart from one couple who always send a really nice update about their lives - if I haven't seen/heard from you since your last Christmas card then really, what is the point? Next year I really want to go away for Christmas/New Year with DD and have a total break from it all (my family is quite dysfunctional/controlling and I have little in common with them). Spending time with them (this is always expected) is not fun and is pretty stressful for me. OK for DD. Please can anyone help me do things differently in 2025 i.e. set boundaries / limits. Thank you if you have read all of this. Writing this has been helpful/therapeutic for me - I know what I want (cut down on birthday/Christmas presents/cards and go away next year/be free from all duty/obligation without feeling guilty). How do I communicate this clearly and effectively? Happy New Year x

If you explain your reasons then people understand. For close friends and family who feel uncomfortable not getting me a birthday present, I ask them to make a donation to charities I support instead.
For many years, my siblings and I only give Christmas presents to kids in our family and not to each other. I've created Christmas e-cards on Canva for the last two Christmases and donated to charity but sent actual cards to older family members who aren't online.
Personally, I hate the thought of someone spending hours trawling shops for stuff. I'm also trying to live more simply and cut down on stuff and possessions.

My sister doesn't have kids but both my other sibling and I buy her a gift at Christmas and she loves it. My other sibling and I just get gifts for each other's kids.

I so need this thread. I am in a ladies lunching group of 12 people. The 'tradition' is that we exchange presents with a top budget of about £20. Well that is £220 I need to find. I tried to suggest Secret Santa but everyone else said how much they LOVE exchanging gifts. In my family we have somehow gotten into the situation of sending £100 to each adult niece and nephew - none of them are under the age of 35 so that is a further £1000. It's what DH did as a doting uncle and he has continued it on, despite the fact we now have two of our own young DCs and no gifts are coming back this way for them at all. i decided this year i was only giving a tenner in a card for godchildren and had a snotty text from one of the parents that giving cash is useless for a child of 7. Notably this parent is a godchild of my younger 12 year old and no gift was forthcoming. So there will be no gift at all for that person next year.

I simply have to put my foot down. It was a huge stress for me this year. We got hit with VAT for school fees which adds another £140 a week to our bill and I know people on MN think those who pay for private school should STFU but an additional circa £7k tax bill for nothing is going to be absolutely awful for us. Gifts for my 2 Dcs i had a budget of £80 each. Yet we spaffed £1000 on nieces and nephews none of whom even send a text thank you. (yet- still time). I always think that £100 to an adult is a nice but not grounbreaking amount, but the total cost of 1k is actually quite hurty to our budget.

I think your DD turning 18 is quite helpful. I'd just send a message to all of those affected and set out your plan. Say you've been reflecting and this will be your approach going forward. Then stick to it,

Yes, something like this is perfect. But sometimes people don’t think it through and others get left out. In the example I gave above one sibling would literally get nothing at Christmas if other siblings switched to kids’ gifts only - all while being expected to buy gifts for 9 nephews/nieces. That just doesn’t work for us.

In my DH’s family all are married with children and the ‘only gifts to kids’ rule they have works out very well.

People just need to give it a little thought, but everyone’s so busy that sometimes doesn’t happen unfortunately.

@CamelsForChristmas that's a huge amount to be spending and buying for Christmas. Maybe next year tell your lunch ladies that you won't be taking part and you're not expecting anything either? You might find a few others say the same. I agree that a secret Santa would work so much better for such a big group. I'd also use this Christmas as a test for the nieces and nephews so only those who say thank you actually receive anything next year. They are v ungrateful if they are of an age that they could (at least) send a text. As for the person saying cash is useless for a seven-year old, well...

I managed to put a stop to adult present buying for two years, but then one family member went back on it this year and bought us all presents, which was kind but it’s something I already have, quite a big appliance. So in return they ended up with an edible gift set of drink and chocolate, which they didn’t thank me for, so they obviously didn’t think I’d matched their gift in terms of perceived thoughtfulness.

I buy for children in the family but was just getting tired of exchanging junk between adults and asked at the very least we be left out of it, and everyone else was very happy with this, but some must just find it very difficult not to.

Problem is I’m out of ideas, I’ve used up my lifetime of thoughtful gifts reserve, I can’t be arsed anymore, but not everyone listens and I was very straightforward about it!

I agree with other posters that if you want to give people a heads up you need to keep it really simple.

you’ve got complicated criteria that will be tricky to communicate.

maybe send out a blanket ‘I’m only going to do presents for those under 18. Then you can give gifts ad hoc and when you want to, I.e for your sister’s 50th, without there being any expectation that you are going to do so.

I do understand when people say you shouldn’t but someone a present with the expectation that you receive something just as good or of equal value. However when you go out of your way to find people gifts you know they will love and you end up with something completely thoughtless or regifted in return, it’s hard to not feel a bit upset by it.

I had this with when my little boy was born and also for his first Christmas/birthday. I was the last of my friends to have kids so I had bought presents for birthdays and Christmas for years for their kids. When my son was born one particular friend gave me a hamper which was really lovely and from the brands in there it looked like she had spent a fortune. I messaged her really grateful saying she didnt need to spend that much, took full credit for it by saying he was worth it and because of how much I had spent on hers over the years. When I went to wash the clothes inside every single one, she had forgot to take the stickers out which reminded her which person had bought them for her own son a few years before. I have no issue in someone regifting me something if they think I will like it, but to do it and make out they have spent money on something when they haven’t is rude.

Same thing happened on his birthday and Christmas despite her asking for very specific things for her kids so she knew the amount I was spending. I will admit I was offended my son kept getting her dreggs. In the end I just messaged and said I didn’t want to do presents anymore and I would prefer us to take the kids out for a fun day somewhere we wouldn’t have normally have gone. That way she pays for all her kids and I can pay for mine. It’s been much less stressful since that happened.

About 23 years ago I contacted people in August (when no one is really thinking about Christmas) and told them I will only be buying Christmas presents for my immediate family from now on.
Then I added on a sentence saying I’m doing the same for birthdays as well.
It has never been an issue.

Good for you! @CamelsForChristmas . I do wonder whether the people exchanging gifts at your group don’t have many people to buy for? I see this all the time at work, the single people living at home, with no kids or commitments are quite happy to suggest we do a £50 secret Santa limit. I’m over here with a toddler and 10 other people to buy for thinking I really do not want to find another £50 for someone at work I don’t really care about.

I once got my DH to send his sister a message saying we weren’t going big presents any more. She used to ask us to buy her gifts for around £100. A grown woman, with a decent salary, sending us links to luxuries she wanted.

At this stage let me say that in all the years I’ve known her, she’s never once bought me a present but I’d be the one sourcing her luxuries and wrapping them.

Anyway, she threw her toys out the pram and sent him a long letter telling him how disappointed she was in him, and sad that she wouldn’t be getting our presents any more, that she so looked forward too. She’s never bought him a present either.

To this day I’m still gobsmacked at the massive sense of entitlement.

I guess my point is that sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and just tell them. They’ll get over it, although my SIL hasn’t.

Maybe a template for a message that you can personalise. So for each person, send a 'Happy new year, letting you know that this year I'm cutting back on my gift buying so I'll be doing (fill in what applies to them,big birthday etc) and of course I'm not expecting anything myself. If you really want to them please donate a (goat to Oxfam etc)'
Then maybe a reminder in September as people gear up for Christmas shopping.

Today is the perfect opportunity to send people an email to wish them a happy new year and to let them know you've been reflecting on things that are important to you so have decided to simplify things going forward. Let them know gifts received thus far have been appreciated but from now on you will be cutting down on gifts and cards to other adults (but will continue to send something for under 18s). Explain that you have everything you need and would love (or maybe not!) to go for a coffee around your birthday but would prefer not to receive gifts.

In our family, we stopped gifting to adult siblings once they had children. The children are given birthday and Christmas presents until they have stopped full-time education. Our parents still receive gifts from us all, as do adults who give our children gifts but do not have children we give gifts to. If one of us sees something perfect for one of our siblings, we might buy it for them as a one-off.

This is what I have started to do also. I only have 1 child, so when friends have multiples with no sign of stopping it becomes very expensive every year. I know it’s not about the money etc but at the same time I am spending in excess of £80 a year on birthday presents for kids (£10 limit per child) and my son is only getting £20 spent on him (one from each family). I would rather keep the extra £60 I’m spending on others presents and get things for my son throughout the year.