Family exclusion bullying and disrespect

[Ukrainebaby23]

Celebrating In laws special birthday, cooked them a late breakfast. Unannounced guests (and close family) arrived during breakfast and told in-laws they were being taken to a cafe for ?brunch ?coffee.. Idk as not party to the conversation.
Could they hurry up as table booking within next 30mins.
There was no direct conversation with me or DH to where they were going so we assumed we weren't invited (fair enough).

We sat down with DC and said cheery goodbye, c u later, have fun etc and then birthday in law got upset and said, why aren't you coming...."well we're not invited and don't know where you are going" also DC and me still in PJs..
Birthday in-law says, of course you are invited we do stuff as a group here...
So we race about to get ready, struggle with DC as they/me weren't prepared
I still don't know if we were invited, or gatecrashed, but surely it's not unreasonable to have a little warning when they know we have young children to organise.

Just feel like we were either bullied by exclusion or disrespected by no warning .
I really don't understand it.
Aibu unreasonable to think someone could have prewarned us, so we could have done a quicker brekkie, and prepared DC/ourselves, or should I just suck it up as a surprise for the in-laws and it's not about us.

If they were sat eating breakfast why wasn’t brunch declined? did you all go and eat something else there after just eating breakfast?

Crazy rude.

It's hard to say if this (family exclusion, bullying, and disrespect) happened without more context. Were you at your house or their house? Who are the other relatives? Did they know about the breakfast? Instead of making assumptions, did anyone ask people what was going on and who was invited?

Whoever and wherever, it was bloody rude and unreasonable of the uninvited family to crash your place and drag in-laws away without any warning, discussion, invitation etc. I'd be furious and would have carried on eating my toast, not rushed to join them.

To be fair, I didn't understand if they all lived together or apart, or what is normal for their family. I am a bit of a planner, so I would never just crash in on someone's morning and assume they didn't have plans, and my family is similar, but I appreciate that people have different dynamics.

BC the IL don't like to rock the boat and value time with the youngest, also one with a DC was almost at the cafe.

Context maybe relevant. We were at the ILs (GPs) place for Christmas and stayed for birthday. A party had been arranged the previous day, which we were not asked to contribute, until a last minute thing which we were expected to arrange (and did, with a smile) though we'd offered, and we felt excluded but it was their thing and we respected that.

The norm for the household is for the local family to text reasonably early and say hi we'll drop in, do you want to go out/any plans. They didn't know we were cooking breakfast, but that is the norm when we stay, but BC they usually let IL know there's plans afoot, we schedule accordingly.

There is also a family messages group which we are not party to, and only found out of its existence at Christmas. Can't say anymore about this as outing.

The ridiculous thing here is that if they say, Hi we plan to spend time with my IL, their family, I would just say, no problem, we'll go do something fun/stay in watch TV etc. I'm really relaxed about people having a different vibe, but I'd never hurt my IL deliberately by refusing to go somewhere.

As it was we were an hour late to the cafe as couldn't find parking, struggled with the app/parking machine, had to calm DH down as I thought he'd blow a gasket.

Just to add when they arrived on Birthday morning during breakfast, I couldn't acknowledge them much as I was eating and concentrating on DC eating (young with issues) but I did offer beans in toast/tea etc. DH was chatting I think, not quite sure but he says he only overheard they were going out, no one told/asked him.

This sounds to me like a mix up caused by poor communication, nothing more. You had planned to make a special breakfast for in laws birthday. Other family members planned to take them for brunch. You didn't think to tell other family members members about your plan and invite them; other family members didn't think to tell you about their plan and invite you. PIL want everyone together and no one being left out. Everyone should plan and communicate a bit better in future, no need for any offence and fall out.

Did you end up having a lovely surprise lunch with the inlaws?

Take it as a learning experience. You were having a late breakfast which would not have been expected and they were presenting a SURPRISE.
Ask for a heads up next time, if you can ask without causing offense.

And request that you become a member of the family chat group. Some possibly assume you are already.

Thanks for the update. I think it's hard not to take it personally, but without really knowing why they didn't tell you, I'd put it down to poor communication. I would have let them go to the cafe and stayed home, showered, and tidied up after breakfast, to be fair!

Yeah sure, miscommunication, lol

To be fair, you are explaining the scenario to a group of strangers and asking for their responses. There is no need to be rude to those of us who have replied to offer a viewpoint or explanation. Only you know the dynamics in your family; if you think they were rude, then why do you need our opinions?

OK, I get that there's a back story here. Since you can only control your own reactions, not their actions, think about how you can do that to make this better for you. My suggestion would be holding your own boundaries to avoid making yourselves rush around because of what others do. A poster above suggested carrying on with breakfast. My thought would be when you were told 'of course you're invited, we do things together' 🙄 responded 'oh! Didn't realise. Well we'll need time to get ready so you carry on and eat, we're full from breakfast anyway, and we'll meet you at the venue at (one hour later) instead'. More time to get ready, no rush to park, etc. Let the other people here rush, you take the time you need.

Well, you're still not being clear to who it was, what your relationship is normally like etc. some people are having to guess!

It's deliberate isn't it? The issue of the wider family not including you in plans.

Nothing much you can do, rise above it, don't let them think it bothers you.

Be grateful you don't have to spend too much time with them.

@PullTheBricksDown yes that's really how we dealt with it, though I'm not comfortable with lateness so we hurried where we could. Parking is a big issue in that area so it just about finished me when I was wrangling with the parking meter.

Thanks z@crockofshite deliberate is how it feels.
I think I trust my gut.

Why bother asking then? You've got way more context than we'll ever have. What is it you seek from aibu?

They've done a nice thing and you're moaning about the parking!

It's a bit vague but it sounds like a miscommunication, sounds like they wanted to surprise the parents. They weren't to know that you were eating late, and you didn't know they were planning a surprise. There must be a bigger issue here between you if you are feeling bullied.

Trust your gut. It sounds like there are other ways you are being excluded (eg the WhatsApp group) too. Been there, got the t-shirt. People like this will always operate so they have plausible deniability so if you point it out or kick up a fuss you look like the bad guys. I think @PullTheBricksDown advice is spot on. In similar circumstances we did try taking a bit of control and organising more ourselves for a while. Guess what? That made it much worse. You just need to decide what you are willing to tolerate and where you need to put the boundaries in place. My partner and their (alcoholic, narcissistic, golden child) sibling now barely see each other and as a result it has unfortunately also pushed us out of other sibling relationships but it was that or constant tension and heartache. When you can really take a step back it gets easier to predict their behaviour and to deal with it. It is still frustrating though!

There's really nothing nice about this situation.

My inlaws are a bit like this. After 25 years I have established that there is absolutely no malice in it - they are just either unable to think more than 10 minutes ahead or they are just terrible communicators. I am still not completely sure which.

I end up silently seething and thinking things like “it is lovely that we are taking the kids to the disco in your village hall but if you had just told me that it was “pirate fancy dress disco” - or even told me that there was a sodding disco at all - then I could have brought the sodding pirate outfit and dd wouldn’t be all in tears that she was not dressed as a pirate.”

My parents are the opposite. We stayed with them for 4 days over Xmas and there was 9 of us in total. Activities were planned and booked in the Autumn. A meal plan was sent out early December so we could all check it was “fussy child suitable”. When we went bowling on Xmas Eve we discussed the night before what time we needed to leave, which cars we were taking and who was in each car so none of the kids got upset the next day as they wanted to go with Grandad / each other / in the blue car. It was awesome!

By ‘birthday in law’ do you mean MIL/FIL and by ‘unannounced guests’ you mean your husband’s sibling/s?! Or vice versa?

If so, I’m not overly surprised they didn’t invite you if you speak to/treat them with such a cold, businesslike manner…. They’re family!
No they absolutely should not be turning up unannounced and your MIL/FIL should have turned down the invite (or if previously arranged, shouldn’t have accepted breakfast at your house) but the way you refer to them is cold and unfriendly.

Unannounced guests, is people that don't live at and weren't staying at the house.
I did speak to them, greet, offer drinks, food etc.
I was not in anyway rude, BC I'm not that sort of person. I don't whisper behind people's backs, I don't make plans for other people without checking it out first.

If you had guests in your house, and you were invited out, would you ask, can my guests come too, or perhaps it's ok if my guests join us? Or does guest X know where we are going?
I would be then, this post isn't about my behaviour.