Argh- df in hospital- dm making it all about her!

[Stressedgiraffe]

Long sorry
My dm phoned me at 12 to tell me df had been taken to hospital. He had a fall and has a utility. Ambulance called at 12am.
She hadn't gone with him but would go later once my aunt and uncle came round and would take her (she doesn't drive)
I immediately got the bus to the hospital ( I medically can't drive). I stayed with him in a&e until he got taken to a ward then came home at 5.
We were waiting for dm to arrive and see him.
We called a couple of times to tell her what was happening
All she did was complain she had been up all night worrying.

They are keeping him in till thu/Fri
We asked when she was coming but she'd gone for a bath.
We had asked her to bring in a phone charger where it was etc but she claimed it was too complicated
I got dh to bring one in (disabled so by bus)
I've called to let her know what ward and told her how he was.
She complained that she now doesn't know how she's going to get to her nye party as df would have driven. She won't be going to the hospital tomorrow as it'll be to difficult to see him In a hospital bed.
Arghh

Sounds like she is terrified of hospitals. Why didn’t aunt and uncle take her in?

She used to be a nurse!!
No idea why they didn't bring her in. All my aunt said was we'll sort something out and she'd call me later

Book a taxi and collect her on the way?

Oh, well maybe she knows it’s not urgent for her to go. Has anyone asked her when she’d want to see him?

She won't come i suggested getting a taxi. She 'cant' travel in one alone.
Dh is going to visit and take him a phone charger in the morning. It's a 50 min walk as there are no buses.

Does she like your DF?

Is she scared of him looking vulnerable in a hospital bed?

Only reason to avoid hospital when visiting a loved one is if you really hate hospitals? Bit if she was a nurse, guess that is not likely unless she saw much trauma.

Is your mother usually so dramatic?

My mum is like this, my dad is really poorly at the moment. When he has been in hospital she has not visited, she does not drive and does not like illness or hospitals.

Now he is home it is still pretty much all about her. Her getting to the hairdresser, going out for coffee etc ( dad did all the driving and now can't).
My mum is very likely ND and has always been tricky as a character. She also now has early dementia.
It is hard , sympathies to you OP.

I meant you took a taxi and collected her.

She’s going to a NYE party and couldn’t be bothered to see him or bring him food or his essentials

what a horrible woman

is she usually a loving wife to your Dad? Unless you think there’s a major problem in their marriage, I’d assume she’s feeling too emotional or anxious to visit the hospital.

Are you writing this thread because she is always like this and you're fed up of it and just want to vent, or are you writing the thread because its out of character and strange and want to try to explore that?

People become themselves but more so in these types of situations I find. There is no changing that. All you can control is your own behaviour, guard your own emotions and live your life by your standards. Easier said than done I know but I’ve found life easier since I’ve accepted that.

Hope your Dad is doing ok. Remember he knows her and how she’ll behave, he chose to spend his life with her and he doesn’t need protecting from the consequences of his and her choices.

Sounds as though your poor DF could do with a break from her.

I can't imagine complaining that I can't get to a party because my husband has been taken to hospital. That's off-the-scale self-absorption. Dreadful. Also, what does "has a utility" mean?

I have no idea. They've been happily married for 54 years. She'll be completely lost without him. She can't really work her phone and doesn't understand money as she gets a housekeeping allowance. They are very comfortable. Final salary pension, private pension etc. They travel 1st class long haul at least twice a year.
I love her but she definitely has a narcissist personality.
Usually she'd be the 1st person in the hospital with anyone telling the nurses she used to be a nurse.
I'm hoping she's scared but it just comes across as arrogance.
He looked so frail on the bed. The dr wants to do scans and trays. He has too many red blood cells. And crackling on his lungs as well.

Sorry UTI bloody autocorrect

@Stressedgiraffe you managed to get a bus so why didnt she? she sounds a really selfish git. I wouldnt be giving her any information from hospital. she should be getting that herself and I cannot believe she is even considering going to a nye party tonight with her husband in hospital!! 12 years ago today my husband got out of hospital for new year only and had to go back 2 days later. my diary for new year that year was completely blank because he needed to rest and be taken care of by me, also a retired nurse!

I'm hoping she's scared but it just comes across as arrogance.

This isn't overly uncommon for couples who have been married for many decades, it's scary seeing them so poorly and no doubt she's trying to remain in ignorance rather than have to face up to it. Having been a nurse it's probably worse. Unless she hates him and doesn't care at all, maybe just outright ask why she's avoiding going in and if she needs any support? Appreciate it's hard as its upsetting for you too as he's your dad.

Do you have the kind of relationship where you can say 'what the hell are you doing and why aren't you at the hospital with dad?' If not, I suppose you could try it anyway. Has she done anything like this before?

Fairly surprised at all the 'maybe she's anxious' replies. I imagine your dad is pretty anxious, as are you. Her behaviour is poor.

Is anyone there now or able to be with him tonight?

No he sent me home when he got to the ward. He wanted to rest. My dh will visit tomorrow.

I agree with this, if he’s always handled stuff for her (transport, finances etc) she’s probably shit scared about a future where he might not be there to do that. At the same time though, this only excuses her so far.

What I would say is that if it were an older man refusing to see his poorly wife because he’s scared of life without her because she does everything for him, I think the response to the thread would be different. I’m not a ‘MN hates men’ person, I’m just limiting my sympathy as I feel like I’m tempted to overcompensate for ‘scared wife’ more than I would for ‘scared husband’. 54 years of marriage and not at the hospital? Pretty poor whatever the explanation.

Going by your update , OP , I'd say she's frightened and feeling vulnerable .

I think some posters are being too kind to her, I’ve seen similar posts about husbands behaving selfishly when their wives are sick and most say that they are selfish twats who are acting that way because their appliance (wife) is broken and they only think of themselves. I’d have a strong word with her and remind her that this is not about her, it’s about her husband, she needs to pull herself together, put on a brave face and a practical head (she was a fucking nurse, she will know what to do) and get up that hospital and be there for the man she apparently loves, bring him what he needs and company.

I’ve had two long hospital stays and you wouldn’t believe some of the attitudes I witnessed from spouses of the sick, of both sexes, fucking appalling treatment of them when they are ill.

Sorry was just reading the washing on NYD thread. And now I'm more pissed off. They were supposed to come for boxing day ( cousin is 1st choice for Xmas apparently) but apparently had norovirus. Much talking about how much washing she had to do as they were so ill.
When the dr asked df he stated there had been no such illness. Aaargh.