I’ll try to keep this short but for quick background - my domineering mother has always preferred my toxic brother to me. My brother is 58, has rarely worked, faked illnesses to claim benefits most of his life and lived with my parents until my dad got a restraining order and got him thrown out of the house after he attacked my dad putting him in hospital. Even so, my Mother always took my brothers side. He has a previous history of violence towards his ex wives and anti social behaviour towards the police but in my mother’s eyes he could do no wrong. You get the picture….
I’ve always been close to my dad who was a good, kind man but have tried to avoid my mother and brother as much as possible as they always made me feel terrible anxiety. My brother is a horrible narcissistic bully, and when my dad was dying from cancer, dad told me that my brother had been in the house and refused to open a bottle of water for him (this was a week before dad died so he was really weak) and snarled at dad to open his own bottle of water with his teeth! Dad told me this in tears on the phone.
I live 4 hours away but used to travel up once a week to visit my dad when I knew my brother wouldn’t be there and would spend time doing as much as possible for my dad while my mother would sit there glued to the tv barely acknowledging me or my dad (the norm).
Fast forward 2 months ago, dad died.
Mum and brother took over the funeral arrangements and totally excluded me. I was supposed to be doing the order of service. A week before the funeral she phoned me and started ranting at me (because I mentioned to her that I wanted to be a pall bearer and carry dads coffin) She told me she would be taking over organising the order of service and she didn’t want me to carry my dads coffin “because women aren’t allowed and anyway I’m not having you dropping your fathers coffin!” Wtaf?
I put the phone down in shock and tears.
Turned up early on the morning of the funeral with my partner (we’ve been together for 1 year and and he’s wonderful. Dad loved him and gave him his blessing for our future together before he died, mum has barely acknowledged his existence). Spoke to the vicar, she said the song I wanted playing for dad for his funeral had not been included, nor had there been a provision for my eulogy. My mother and brother did not want to say any words for my dad which says it all really.
The vicar was lovely and changed everything around so my song was played and I read my eulogy. She said my mum and brother had refused to send her photos of my dad for the Order of Service and she’d never known anything like it. I think deep down she could see the truth.
When dad’s coffin was lowered in to the ground I cried because it had been raining the night before and his grave was waterlogged and it really upset me to see his coffin being lowered into muddy water. My bitch of a mother stood at the graveside cracking jokes to the vicar about how my dad enjoyed swimming and at least he could have a good swim down there now. The vicar looked horrified and I was so angry I couldn’t speak.
At the wake my brothers adult children (from his 3 different broken marriages) all came and sat with me and my partner and cried because my mum had snubbed them when they went to hug her and offer condolences. One of them had said to my mum in shock “Nanny, I’m your grand daughter, don’t you know who I am?” And my mum spat back “I know exactly who you are!” And turned her back on her!
My brother who was a deadbeat dad and husband has never acknowledged his children or paid maintenance and my mum has shunned all his wives and children too because they are the problem, not the common denominator - her precious son.
Dad’s funeral was the week before Christmas and I’ve not heard a word from her since, even though I sent her a Christmas card and presents.
I believe my brother has moved back in to the house with my mum and is now waiting for her to die (she’s 84) so he can basically live in the house rent free (that my dad paid for) when she dies.
The only connection I have to my mum are my two adult children (30 and 35) who adore her (she is only spiteful to me when they’re out of earshot and I’ve never said anything to them because I didn’t want to sour their relationship with their nan), they also saw and heard some of the awful things she said to my dad when he was still alive, but they were so shocking I think they thought she was joking.
I don’t have anything of my dad left and I would like just one of his jumpers and one of his paintings to remember him by, but I don’t feel comfortable going back to the house anymore.
My mothers brother died on Christmas Eve but he lives in Canada (but neither him nor the rest of her family have spoken to her for years) but she’s playing the distraught grieving widow card around my children and garnering their sympathy. We have no other family in this country.
I’m so upset and grief stricken over the loss of my dad and my adult kids keep saying “have you spoken to nanny since the funeral?” I don’t want to burden them with the truth while they’re still grieving the death of their beloved granddad but my partner said I should sit down with them in a couple of months and tell them everything.
My mothers health is really poor and I doubt she’ll still be here for more than another year or so but age and poor health have no bearing on the fact that she’s never loved me or cared about me for my whole life. It’s hard to explain the scars that leaves in a person, even as an adult (I’m 59) but I’m so conflicted. The thought of even talking to her fills me with a knot of dread. It sounds hard but I know I won’t shed a single tear over her when she passes, however I feel duty bound to reach out to her even though I really don’t want to.
AIBU to cut my mother out of my life?