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Original poster

Should I say something to ex husband when we meet with kids today...

36 replies

Itsbeginningtolookalot · 31/12/2024 08:07

Found out over Xmas that ex-husband of around a year made a comment to DD 6 months ago. She has refused to see him alone because of some things that happend where he lost his temper. She is with me full time.

I found out he said to her "I can't wait until you are older and I can tell you the truth and you are going to regret being with your Mum".

For context I left because he was emotionally abusive, the only thing I did was left a marriage I was unhappy in, which I have been completely honest with the kids about.

This comment has really got to me and I can't stop thinking about it. We are meeting up today with the kids and just wondering if it's something I should raise with him Infront of the kids? Just really because kids were talking about it the other day and I don't feel like he should get away with saying things like that.

OP posts:
EdgyWriter · 31/12/2024 08:09

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TinyMouseTheatre · 31/12/2024 08:10

I wouldn't, why feed the drama? Have you read up on Grey Rock? It's a term I learned about on MN and had e been using it with a Narc ever since, quire successfully.

EdgyWriter · 31/12/2024 08:10

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Loopytiles · 31/12/2024 08:10

I’m sorry your ex is abusive and said that. I wouldn’t bring it up as it’s unlikely he will respond in the way you hope and his reaction could be difficult for you and the DC.

EdgyWriter · 31/12/2024 08:10

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SwanSongMoggy · 31/12/2024 08:10

How old is DD?

If he was / is abusive the likelihood is he thrives off your reaction to his behaviour. Like a vampire feeding off your emotions like a parasite. You cannot change him - you can only change your response and your reaction to him...

Focus on yourself and your children. Sounds like your daughter has already worked out who he is...

Ponoka7 · 31/12/2024 08:11

How old are the children?

Mumofteenandtween · 31/12/2024 08:11

Absolutely not. The fact that your dd has told you and it has bothered you will make him happy. Why would you want to make him happy?

Nc546888 · 31/12/2024 08:11

Don’t mention it in front of the kids!!!

I also likely wouldn’t bother mentioning to him unless you think he’s likely to be helpful , what’s the point??

Dinosweetpea · 31/12/2024 08:11

It's not worth it, he will twist is somehow.
Children aren't stupid, they will understand the truth in time. In the meantime you explain the split in a child appropriate way but sounds like your daughter already knows he's in the wrong.

chocolatespreadsandwich · 31/12/2024 08:12

Nope. Grey rock all the way.
You won't gain anything from bringing it up. And your daughter won't feel able to confide in you if you relay it to her dad.
Just quietly know what you know and keep putting the children first

ThatGladTiger · 31/12/2024 08:12

Don’t raise it in front of the children, no good can come of that.

There is also no point saying anything to your ex, you will not be able to influence how he acts.

It’s shitty behaviour and if he was a decent person he wouldn’t be saying things to your children. Take comfort that your DD is able to talk to you and just ensure you come up with stock reply if she mentions it again. Children are not stupid, by living with you she knows exactly what kind of a person you are.

Whilst it is so tempting to say something, try not to and be the better, bigger person. From experience, your DD as they get older will see what parent bad mouthed the other and which kept calm!

Original poster
Itsbeginningtolookalot · 31/12/2024 08:12

DD is 10 and DS is 9

The things is he is constantly saying things to my DS so that's why I wondered if it's just better off being open with the kids. The power he gets is from saying things to them that go unchallenged.

I understand your point though and have all the way along remained silent in front of the kids. I will rethink mentioning it in front of them.

OP posts:
soupfiend · 31/12/2024 08:12

Certainly dont raise it in front of the kids no, you could cooly mention that you're aware of the comment and dont do that again, its foolish, you risk splitting your daughter away from you and she already doesnt want to see you alone so you're making it worse

and then wish him a good day

lollylo · 31/12/2024 08:13

Don’t bother. He won’t apologise or see the error of his ways. If he was a reasonable person, he would never have said it in the first place. Your daughter sounds like she’s already assessed it and worked it out anyway. Just leave it.

BeensOnToost · 31/12/2024 08:16

No.

I'd either ignore it or make a written log to discuss with your solicitor if you're mid divorce. It might feel urgent but this happened six months ago.

Can you clarify what you mean by meeting up? Do you mean a child handover or do you mean going on a social day out? If its a day out then I think you need to think long and hard about the messaging that sends to your kids because they may grow up thinking maybe there is some truth in what daddy says because mummy still wants to see him and it also sends the message that mummy wants them to see him and doing it tomplease yoh at their own detriment rather than it being their decision to see him which you facilitate.

EdgyWriter · 31/12/2024 08:16

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SnoopySantaPaws · 31/12/2024 08:16

Why are you meeting up with the kids today? How does DD feel about it?

id just reduce the time DS spends with him & talk to DS when he's home.

i wouldn't be meeting up with him At All.

id get a solicitor to send him a letter re parental alienation.

NoSquirrels · 31/12/2024 08:16

What are you hoping he’ll say?

He’ll either deny he said it and accuse you of stirring up trouble and trying to manipulate the DC, or say they misunderstood and accuse you of stirring up trouble and trying to manipulate the DC, or some other variation of DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender).

It’s awful of him but he’s an emotional abuser, that’s why you left. He’ll keep being that person, to your kids as well. Your job now is to support them and not involve yourself with him - counselling (both for you and for the DC if needed) is a safe space to practice strategies to deal with him as a Co-parent.

EdgyWriter · 31/12/2024 08:17

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Original poster
Itsbeginningtolookalot · 31/12/2024 08:20

I agreed to do a couple meet ups over Xmas so he could see DD, I'm talking 30 mins in a cafe.

Thanks for all opinions I won't raise anything in front of the kids, I haven't all along this one just got to me.

DS wants to see his Dad so that's the reason he currently still goes.

OP posts:
chocolatespreadsandwich · 31/12/2024 08:22

Itsbeginningtolookalot · 31/12/2024 08:12

DD is 10 and DS is 9

The things is he is constantly saying things to my DS so that's why I wondered if it's just better off being open with the kids. The power he gets is from saying things to them that go unchallenged.

I understand your point though and have all the way along remained silent in front of the kids. I will rethink mentioning it in front of them.

They figure it out in time, don't worry.

Keep doing the right thing. Keep putting the kids first.

They'll both work it out.

Keep making a home where they feel safe and loved and dont feel they will have to choose between parents.

flotsomandjetsome · 31/12/2024 08:22

I think you would be better off having open (age appropriate) conversations with your DC about what emotional abuse is. Don't go overboard berating XH, but think of it as part of their life education. If you think XH is drip feeding bad attitudes to DS in particular you need to really focus on how to behave well in relationships.

You will then be equipping them to understand what XH does, and form their own opinions.

If XH is an arse, the best outcome is for your DC to realise that independently - and vow never to be like that themselves

chocolatespreadsandwich · 31/12/2024 08:23

SnoopySantaPaws · 31/12/2024 08:16

Why are you meeting up with the kids today? How does DD feel about it?

id just reduce the time DS spends with him & talk to DS when he's home.

i wouldn't be meeting up with him At All.

id get a solicitor to send him a letter re parental alienation.

A solicitor letter will have zero impact on someone like this ( I learnt that the hard, and expensive, way)

JustWalkingTheDogs · 31/12/2024 08:23

He's doing it knowing full well it gets back to you in the hope you'll react to it. By reacting you're giving him what he wants and he'll do it even more.

I'd sit the kids down and give them the opportunity to ask question, but answer honestly, in an age appropriate way, I also wouldn't go out of your way to paint him in a harsh light either. They need to see you as the reasonable adult, not the one that doesn't go around slagging the other one off. It's far better to ensure the communication channels with your dc are always open and that they know they can ask you anything, rather than trying to get an emotionally abusive ex to see sense

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