Parents going no contact with adult children

[AlloaintheMiddle]

Hello
I sometimes hear about adult children going no contact with their parents due to complex relationships or difficult histories, but I haven’t seen as much discussion from the perspective of parents who’ve had to consider low or no contact with their adult children.

I’m posting as a sibling. My parents have a challenging relationship with my sibling, and while they’re not considering going completely no contact, they are thinking about shifting to low contact for their own well-being. This has been a really difficult time for them, and I’m trying to be as supportive as I can.

If any of you have experience as parents who’ve chosen low or no contact with an adult child, can you share? What led to your decision? How did you do it? Was it face to face, through a text, or something else? Did you feel the need to provide an explanation? Just a short message?

YABU: Parents don’t go no contact
YANBU: Parents sometimes do

My mil god rest her soul went no contact with her eldest daughter, didn't even want to see her on her death bed.
It caused so many problems & issues of jealously with the other two siblings. Now none of the grand children see each other because of it.
I really wouldn't recommend it, it's a miserable life. Eldest SIL has a lot of MH problems because of it.

Yes. They do. I remember attending a deathbed will signing in a hospital with an old lady who was hours from death. She was changing her will to write her daughter out of it. The son was there, and no doubt had played a significant role in orchestrating this. I'd stop short of saying he exerted undue influence - just a very obvious favourite - and she had capacity. I felt very sorry for the sister and realised then just how spiteful and unpleasant some people can be. As if you would waste your last hours on earth being so vindictive.

My 'D'M has gone NC with me (again!)- I genuinely have no idea why. She's been like this for the majority of my adult life. She was the same with my brother, even the night he killed himself she didn't call him despite being warned. Ofc after he died she played the grieving devoted mother exceptionally well. He hadn't done anything to warrant her silent treatment either - though they at least bickered, I don't even have that reason 🤷🏻‍♀️

Last time she didn't speak to me for 8 years - I still don't know why. It used to bother me but doesn't at all anymore. In fact, now she's getting older I'm sorta relieved, I won't have to feel guilty about not caring for her in her old age.

As for how she does it....she just stops responding, won't reply to texts, won't answer the door, no explanation, nothing. She also ignores my (adult) kids.

Nowt as queer as folk.

Thank you for sharing.

In our case, my sibling has had an on-and-off relationship with our parents ever since they got together with their now-partner (they were teenagers, so this has been going on for many years). Honestly, I think my sibling has behaved badly over the years, but as the golden firstborn, they’ve always been welcomed back by my parents.

The problem is that, over time, so much resentment has built up. My parents spent years walking on eggshells around my sibling, terrified of upsetting them and being cut off again. Things got particularly bad during one incident when my dad was unexpectedly in intensive care. My sibling, who lives very close to the hospital, told my mum, who lives much farther away, that she’d have to sleep in the waiting room because they “weren’t planning to have guests.”

That’s just one example of years of my parents being treated poorly. But now, they’ve had enough. The resentment has built up to the point where they’re considering going very low contact with my sibling. Every time they see each other it’s plain odd anyway as no one is comfortable, only small talks etc…

It’s hard to watch all this play out, and I’m not sure what to say to my parents anymore. They’ve tried having honest conversations about my sibling’s behavior, and after a lot of explaining, my sibling might see their point and even apologise. But then the same patterns just start again.

I’m the one who has to listen to the download and again no idea what to say to them anymore.

I’ve only seen it once. An extreme case where the drug addicted daughter stole from the parents every time she saw them.

I hear you. The children (now young adults) are very much struggling with the situation.
The last time they reconnected with my parents, they were just crying the whole afternoon (they miss their grandparents, they feel lonely as my sibling partner isn’t in touch with their family neither).

Its one big mess!

One Christmas my dc turned up still stoned from Xmas eve. Assaulted a small sibling. Hasn't been contacted since.. 2019...
The sense of peace from the siblings has been mentioned..
Obviously some regrets still my dc but not part of our lives any more..

That is so inordinately sad. I'm sorry @lemmein X

I still have some contact with my DS, but I am considering going no contract. When DH went down with dementia DS got him to sign a power of attorney without anyone's knowledge. He failed to gain control of DHs money as we found out and stopped him, but he was looking into buying himself a house. After this he made allegations of abuse against me so we had to go through a social services enquiry. In particular he suggested I was hitting DH and was mentally abusing him. Social Services found no issues, but it was very distressing. He denied doing any of this even though we obtained evidence via a DSAR which shows he did. He took my husband out before Christmas. When he returned he had used his debit card to pay for nearly £1,500 of stuff for himself. Needless to say in terms of care he is never to be seen. It hurts, but retaining contact only leads to more damage sometimes

MIL went no contact with SIL told her no one wanted anything to do with her, told lies to her about DH hating her. She disappeared, until we got a phone call from a solicitor looking for her next of kin as she'd died alone in a centre homeless alcoholics at 43. I doubt DH will ever forgive MIL for it.

I can't imagine going no contact with my children, but my god, I would in this case.

That is so sad.

Yes, after years of financial abuse and coercive control. As in not allowed a bank card, couldn’t leave the house in her own, phone charger hidden, only allowed to go where the child said, buy what the child said, couldn’t visit her other children…

when it was discovered she went to live with her other child and never saw that child again.

My 'D'F has gone no contact with me and my siblings.

It was a week after his wedding to his new wife. I'd only met her a handful of times before they married, we weren't invited to the wedding but saw them a few days later for a party. It went really well and I really got on with my step siblings, a week later I had a message from him saying he didn't want to be in mine or my siblings lives anymore unless we cut contact with my DM.

I was very close to him and it still hurts a lot but it's his choice.

My mother has cut contact from me.

I was accused of telling her that she will never see her grandchildren again. I didn't do this and even provided evidence that I hadn't ever said that which wasn't accepted. It's quite ridiculous really but me and the kids are better off not having her toxic drama in our lives.

But it is embarrassing because the vast majority of people just don't have mothers who behave like that and cannot understand that my mother can be so hateful towards me.

My mother has gone NC with me a couple of times. In my twenties she threw me out of the house and didn’t speak to me for nine years because she didn’t like my boyfriend (who she had never met)

I stupidly allowed her back in when I had my own DC. She ramped up the abusive and controlling behaviour until one day I challenged her by asking her please could she stop shouting at me in my own home. She stormed off and I haven’t heard a peep from her since. That was 12 years ago. 12 years of absolute bliss.

My father went NC with me and a couple of other family members.
Instigated by his new partner.First she tried to claim I have been rude to her and offended her greatly. When I pointed out the discrepancies in her story my father took her side.
He called me on my birthday to tell me (beside wishing me happy birthday) to not to call him or visit him anymore.

I obliged.

I met him at family funeral once. He died 3 years later.

What can I say. His partner was a cunt (died shortly after him) and he was a spineless chump.

@AlloaintheMiddle you might find a lot of stories about first family being discarded in favour of next one.

@Cyclebabble wow, some mother's do have them!
Gm's youngest dd, my aunty did some very underhand things and in the end gm went lc. When she became very ill gm did not want her dd to visit her in hospital. Dd didn't come but sent her dd who took gm's rings off her fingers!! Gm had a minimal estate < £20k and had it split between her 4dc equally. Aunt challenged her will which delayed probate but then didn't pursue it. Her 3 sisters went nc and when my other aunt died she didn't come to the funeral.

I could only see doing this if the dc were really abusive or had some issues that meant you just couldn't be safe around them.
Otherwise I think parents should have boundaries if the adult child is asking too much or behaving badly but not cut them off.

Yes it's tough TBH. I do keep thinking if there was something that we did earlier on that made him like this and I really cannot think of anything. He had a good childhood and was privately educated. However, he always wanted more from us than we could give and if he did not get what he wanted he could say some horrid things. I dread one of us passing away. He will I am sure turn up expecting some form of payout. If it is me I can resist him. DH with dementia would be much more difficult. Places a lot of pressure on my other son (who is totally different). There is still an element of shock as to how badly your own DCs can behave, but I know I am not the only one with a similar experience.

You’re not alone for sure.
My parents don’t deserve how they have been treated by my sibling neither.
❤️

My Aunties mother has cut contact with her, she tends to do this when the other sibling
suddenly re appears.

Ironically Aunties daughter is no contact with granny because she thinks she’s a devious conniving bitch who’s out for what she can get.

I have to say I agree with my cousin on that one.

My niece got pregnant in her teens. She'd been at private school and had an offer of a place at Durham University: it was absolutely not anticipated that she'd be a mother at 18. She insisted on keeping the baby and decided not to postpone university in order to focus on him, but after a few months grew bored with being a mum and, basically, handed him to DSis to look after. DN wanted a flat of her own and DSis and her partner found a place and paid the rent, hoping she'd establish an independent life with her child and then go to university. But DN was out having a good time and occasionally working as a stylist and photographic assistant. Then when she was in her early 20s and the baby was in school, she went clubbing and met up with a guy from a wealthy family with links to organised crime.

My DSis and I tried to talk to her about what she was getting into, but she'd fallen for the man and his lifestyle, and his family had fallen for her and were particularly taken with her son, my nephew, who was a lovely boy. She told her partner and his parents that my DSis was abusive and horrible to them and that she and I had disowned DN and gone NC when we realised she was serious about this guy. His parents bought it all and within a few months had bought her and her son a house and had it furnished to her taste. She became part of their family, and later married their son. DSis wasn't invited to the wedding. Before the wedding DN went NC with my DSis, me and everyone else in our family. We haven't seen her, or my nephew, for nine years now. My DSis is still very deeply affected by what's happened and has had terrible bouts of depression. I hope my nephew will remember DSis and get in touch one day when he's old enough to be independent. He was seven when we last saw him. Old enough, I hope, to remember.

I just wanted to make it clear that there are some people who will tell you their parents went NC with them, and paint them as horrible people, when none of it is true.

@itstrue I'm sorry, I'd intended to make it clear that I wasn't referring to you and wasn't saying that anything you said wasn't true but then got carried away telling the story of my family.

Going NC/ saying someone's gone NC with you can be used to manipulate situations. Sometimes it's the right thing to do, as with children who steal from and abuse their parents. In my DSis's case, she's mortified that her DD has told the world that DSis has gone NC with her. As you know from your experience, showing people a call log of the times you've tried to speak to them, the e-mails and cards, or the Christmas gifts sent to a child you may never see again doesn't change anyone's minds.

I only know of one situation- a family I've known since I was a kid but not massively friendly with. More that we move in the same circles.

They'd never shown any hint of racism at all, then when their daughter met a west African man at uni just completely disowned her. That was back in the late 90s when they were just dating. They're now married with 3 teenage kids and parents still haven't relented. They've never even met the man; it's all so bizarre.

The oddest bit is mum blames the husband all of the time. Then when it's pointed out that she could put the relationship with her daughter first and overrule the husband, then she backs down. They live in a fairly rural, very white area of Northumberland and everyone around thinks they're being unbelievable dicks to their daughter, and most people aren't afraid to say it, but they obviously think they're right. It's both bizarre but also really sad.