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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like this is such an odd choice for a break up

50 replies

CedarnMinor · 31/12/2024 01:54

DD is 21, she is generally smart and makes good choices, she is in her last year of uni.
She has been seeing a man for a couple of years, he is wonderful, treats DD well. He got offered an amazing job in his hime country so is moving back home. They don't want to do long distance, they don't think it is healthy.

So there approach to break up is. They will spend time together right up until the bells on new years eve, then he will get a taxi to the airport, where he has a hotel booked and his flight leaves in the morning on New Years Day. They have then said they will just be single for 6 months, once DD graduates they will decide if it is worth taking a gap year and her moving out there, getting a job etc, or if they are better apart. They have spent December basically inseparable, they went on holiday together before Christmas, spend Christmas together, bought lovely gifts. Since Christmas it has been increasingly emotional, tonight he is staying here and they both went to bed crying, knowing it is their last night together.
I've asked DD why do this, why draw out the pain but she said "I just wouldn't get it".

AIBU to think this is really really odd?? It just seems so tragic!

OP posts:
ByHardyAquaFox · 31/12/2024 01:57

Let's face it. Long distance relationships are hard work.
She is 21 and she wants to keep her options open.
I do get her.

Original poster
CedarnMinor · 31/12/2024 01:59

ByHardyAquaFox · 31/12/2024 01:57

Let's face it. Long distance relationships are hard work.
She is 21 and she wants to keep her options open.
I do get her.

No I get that, but why all this midnight on New Years Eve, building up. He accepted the Job at the start of December, I don't understand why they didn't end it when they made the choice of breaking up eventually. Instead they went on holiday and spent Christmas together and seem closer than ever, it feels like this drawing it out is more painful than just ending it weeks ago.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 31/12/2024 02:00

Just be there for her. Time will tell.

CeceliaImrie · 31/12/2024 02:00

They want as much time together as possible before they say goodbye. What's odd about that.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 31/12/2024 02:12

It’s a kind of ritual marking a break in their relationship that may be temporary or permanent. They’ve been clear with themselves and each other. I admire them.

Original poster
CedarnMinor · 31/12/2024 02:13

CeceliaImrie · 31/12/2024 02:00

They want as much time together as possible before they say goodbye. What's odd about that.

I guess in my mind its made it more painful, the last month has been spent with them knowing there is an end, so many tears.
Instead it could have been spent getting the worst few weeks of a break up over, then January could be a fresh start.

OP posts:
suburberphobe · 31/12/2024 02:16

Well OP, that's your take on it.

Your daughter's thoughts and actions differ. That's life.

GivingUpFinally · 31/12/2024 02:16

She seems very wise for her age. They're enjoying a last hurrah before he departs.

I've done the long distance relationship and it worked. Been together for 25 years now but we had made a similar decision before deciding that we couldn't be without each other and had a hasty wedding followed by the relevant immigration paperwork. It can work but they need to decide whether the distance can be managed and how they feel long term. I was also a similar age when we made thay choice.

HollyKnight · 31/12/2024 02:44

There is nothing odd about it. They're not breaking up because they no longer love each other. They still do. It's their circumstances that are causing this break up. Understandably they want to delay that as long as possible and enjoy the time they have left.

GreyAreas · 31/12/2024 02:45

You're thinking of it as a break up, they are thinking of it as being apart for 6 months (with an uncertain future).

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 31/12/2024 03:06

Perfectly normal. They’re breaking up because of circumstances not because of a falling out.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 31/12/2024 03:08

I did similar with a boyfriend when we were similar ages. Spending every last moment together until we had to part. I don't see what's odd about that. They obviously care deeply for one another. Your daughter sounds very mature, and grounded.

Louisetheroux · 31/12/2024 03:18

I think it sounds lovely.

GravyBoatWars · 31/12/2024 03:31

CedarnMinor · 31/12/2024 02:13

I guess in my mind its made it more painful, the last month has been spent with them knowing there is an end, so many tears.
Instead it could have been spent getting the worst few weeks of a break up over, then January could be a fresh start.

Show quote history

It was going to be painful no matter what. Why should they also give up another month of loving each other and being together?

People who focus too much on avoiding loss and hard moments tend to miss a lot of wonderful moments and relationships as a result.

setmestraightplease · 31/12/2024 03:37

So there approach to break up is. They will spend time together right up until the bells on new years eve, then he will get a taxi to the airport, where he has a hotel booked and his flight leaves in the morning on New Years Day. .................................
AIBU to think this is really really odd?? It just seems so tragic!

She's 21. At that age there's something ritual about finishing off one year with the old and starting a new year with a new approach to life / a situation

Did you not think similarly romantically at that age

😁Leave them be to get on with it

DelicateSoundOfEchos · 31/12/2024 04:27

Because their way means they've got a months worth of living and having happy memories. You can't go through life trying to avoid every loss or sadness because when would you actually live?!

They love each other. They're not separating because of waning feelings or one of them doing something awful, it's a circumstantial thing and I suppose they're both hopeful of a reconciliation when it's physically possible to be together.

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 31/12/2024 04:28

I wish I'd been as astute, self aware and wise when I was their age.

Flipslop · 31/12/2024 04:34

Sounds like they’ve taken a very healthy and mature approach tbh, this hard bit is part of the grieving process which should stand her in better stead to move forward, it’s great that they are secure and self aware enough to sit with the sadness rather than dump and avoid

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 31/12/2024 05:00

I think you're a very practical person and she's more emotional/sentimental than you. Hence her comment about you 'not getting it'.

4pmfireworks · 31/12/2024 05:07

I think it sounds extremely sensible! There's heartbreak either way, and they are very young. It's okay to have a broken heart once or twice in life. They have set a reasonable timescale to discover if absense makes the heart grow fonder, or if it's out of sight; out of mind. Just be there for her and respect her way of doing things. Don't get too involved, it's not your heartbreak.

itsgettingweird · 31/12/2024 05:11

Because they don't want to break up.

But both are being realistic about the distance.

Basically saying this is what we want - time apart will tell us if it's really what we want.

Happyinarcon · 31/12/2024 05:21

CedarnMinor · 31/12/2024 02:13

I guess in my mind its made it more painful, the last month has been spent with them knowing there is an end, so many tears.
Instead it could have been spent getting the worst few weeks of a break up over, then January could be a fresh start.

Show quote history

It’s not really that painful, they are free to change their minds after a few weeks or even a few days and have a long distance relationship. Either one could fly out to spend time with the other. It’s probably a touch more dramatic than painful

Cluelesssanta · 31/12/2024 05:57

Hmmm. He is making the most of his time with her, but dumping her at the end of the day. His home country and a job there, are his priority, not her. He'll movw on very easilly is my guess. Hopefully she will too. There's norhing tragic about this for him. Her tears are wasted on him.
.

Bogginsthe3rd · 31/12/2024 06:02

Maybe they want to do a tiktok of the split at midnight? It's not really for you to intervene with

Heidi2018 · 31/12/2024 06:10

Cluelesssanta · 31/12/2024 05:57

Hmmm. He is making the most of his time with her, but dumping her at the end of the day. His home country and a job there, are his priority, not her. He'll movw on very easilly is my guess. Hopefully she will too. There's norhing tragic about this for him. Her tears are wasted on him.
.

Wow page 1 and we are already blaming the man! They are in their early 20s. If I was in his situation and stayed for my partner at that age, I'd have made an extremely poor mistake. They are both being very realistic and mature about it.