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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like this is such an odd choice for a break up

50 replies

CedarnMinor · 31/12/2024 01:54

DD is 21, she is generally smart and makes good choices, she is in her last year of uni.
She has been seeing a man for a couple of years, he is wonderful, treats DD well. He got offered an amazing job in his hime country so is moving back home. They don't want to do long distance, they don't think it is healthy.

So there approach to break up is. They will spend time together right up until the bells on new years eve, then he will get a taxi to the airport, where he has a hotel booked and his flight leaves in the morning on New Years Day. They have then said they will just be single for 6 months, once DD graduates they will decide if it is worth taking a gap year and her moving out there, getting a job etc, or if they are better apart. They have spent December basically inseparable, they went on holiday together before Christmas, spend Christmas together, bought lovely gifts. Since Christmas it has been increasingly emotional, tonight he is staying here and they both went to bed crying, knowing it is their last night together.
I've asked DD why do this, why draw out the pain but she said "I just wouldn't get it".

AIBU to think this is really really odd?? It just seems so tragic!

OP posts:

Daisydaisy2024 · 31/12/2024 06:15

Sounds totally normal. They don't want to break up, they still care for each other and they certainly didn't want to spend Christmas missing one another.

At that age, a clean break is absolute agony, but doing it in stages might be less painful, once they are apart for a few months they will likely both move on. This way they are leaving the door open. Nothing to worry about in any of this.

Completelyjo · 31/12/2024 06:15

They are spending time together they have before circumstances enforce them to break up.
I don’t really understand your question or issue?
If it wasn’t for the circumstances around distance they wouldn’t be breaking up therefore they are together until he actually leaves.

dhxxx · 31/12/2024 06:18

I had a very similar situation - my bf decided to move to another country for a job and I couldn't go. We didn't want to break up but were realistic. He told me on the October and didnt leave until March! I actually moved in with him for the final months, I don't regret anything and if anything, I had those months to get used to the idea so I feel it was less painful. We ended up staying friends in the end and I visited him in the country later on.

dottiedodah · 31/12/2024 06:27

Well if they can't live without each other, they will get back together. If as pp said he is effectively dumping her for his new job abroad, then maybe for the best. She has to finish uni anyway.

corianderpomander · 31/12/2024 06:37

Sounds quite sensible for young people. Maybe they will get back together maybe not. At least they are not getting together too young and not living through and experiencing other people and opportunities that will help them grow as individuals.

Newyearpug · 31/12/2024 06:38

Sounds very sensible to me
Your daughter has her head screwed on well

Sparkletastic · 31/12/2024 06:39

They love each other and want to spend as much time together as possible before they are parted. It's weird that you find that weird.

Totaleclipseofthemind · 31/12/2024 06:41

Perfectly normal decision. I don’t see an issue at all. Love, true love in any form is an experience to be cherished. I would be glad she has had a wonderful time with this man. She sounds like a very mature and in tune with her emotions human being to me.

AsTheLightFades · 31/12/2024 06:45

I do hope you aren't going to ask her why, or share your attitude.
I also hope you'll be there for her to comfort without judgement.
She's 21. Her 1st big love.
If life and love wasn't treated as a 'tragedy' by some, the world wouldn't have poetry, art and culture. Don't be so narrow-minded and emotionally shallow.

Belleair2 · 31/12/2024 06:45

I am struggling to see the problem here - surely you are glad she is staying put, finishing her degree and not following him to another country? Just support her, not question her…

BBBusterkeys · 31/12/2024 06:54

I did this once. BF got a job elsewhere. He decided it was the end of the road for our relationship. I didn’t disagree. I could not decide if I was upset or relieved, so it was time to end it. We continued living together right up until he left.new got in better in that month than we had in the previous year.

There wasn’t a big reason for the breakup, it just wasn’t worth me moving to another city for him. There wasn’t any big emotional farewell either. He just left. I moved on to another relationship within 6 weeks (in hindsight I would have been better off to wait but this new BF really pursued me).

so, no I don’t find it particularly strange.

CandyCane457 · 31/12/2024 06:58

I really don’t see what’s odd about them wanting as much time together as possible before he goes.

I did a year of uni in Canada and met a Canadian guy out there. We were absolutely inseparable for the whole time. It was never an option that I move there permanently or he move here. I was 20 and it was my first experience of “true love,” but it always had an expiry date. We stayed together right until the end and also spent our last night in bed together crying. It was all so wonderful and heartbreaking at the same time. I don’t regret a second of it. I’m glad I spent every possible moment I could with him.

2catsandhappy · 31/12/2024 06:59

A situation has split them up.
They haven't fallen out of love.
Fingers crossed she sticks to their plans and doesn't rush off with him and neglect her own future career.

HardenYourHeart · 31/12/2024 07:08

Sounds like one of the most healthy and mature ways to end a relationship that I have ever seen. They are both on the same page, their split is amicable and they want to make the most of the time they have left together.

A lot of people could do with take a leaf from their book.

giadaros · 31/12/2024 07:08

Because it's romantic and passionate and dramatic. Everything love should be at that age!

Rewis · 31/12/2024 07:20

Almost every couple with an expiration date has done this. You spend 24/7 together, break up. Tall about geting back together after graduation, etc. Get over it in about a week and never see each other again.

motherofdragons79 · 31/12/2024 07:28

I think they're being sensible. They're not holding each other back, allowing each other to spread their wings and then seeing how they feel.!

onwardsup4 · 31/12/2024 08:51

I don't think it's odd at all. As for making it more painful, if it's that heart breaking and it's meant to be they will make it work somehow anyway.

TotallyTwisted · 31/12/2024 08:57

Bogginsthe3rd · 31/12/2024 06:02

Maybe they want to do a tiktok of the split at midnight? It's not really for you to intervene with

Is this really something people would do?! Jeepers. I am so old.

Catza · 31/12/2024 09:04

I had a very similar experience when I was 24. I still remember it fondly as the greatest, the most loving breakup I've ever had. This time together is very powerful and very healing. I know it seems like an odd thing from the outside so don't try to understand it. Just think of it as them grieving together in love they share and supporting each other through the loss of a relationship.

Toomanyemails · 31/12/2024 09:06

At 21 I moved overseas and my boyfriend and I had a similarly emotional final few days together. We had decided to stay together, but were still both very aware that at a young age doing long distance it might not work out, so it was the same thing of not knowing really if we were saying goodbye forever or just for a few months. We also did long distance a slightly unusual way where we both prioritised building our lives where we were, to give ourselves time to build independence and see if the relationship still made sense. In the end it worked well for us and we've now been together many years and that year geographically apart made us stronger, but at the time we both knew that was the less likely outcome.

As long as your daughter is happy with the way they're handling it and they're both on the same page, it sounds mature to me.

LadyPlasters · 31/12/2024 09:06

I think it sounds really well thought out. The relationship is having an ending which they can both process. Regardless of whether they get back together or not, they will have put their best into it, respected each other and ended it healthily. I believe if they don't get back together, they have made it almost easier to move on because there's no resentments, no 'what ifs' etc, and can mourn the ending of what sounds a lovely relationship.

All the best to both of them 🩷

ILoveAnnaQuay · 31/12/2024 09:11

One of my friends sons did this. He and GF met in 6th form, inseparable etc. However she had won a scholarship to an American Ivy League Uni and he was going to a UK one. They ended their relationship the day she flew to the US.

Fast forward a few years, they ended up back together after a year, kept the relationship working LD throughput uni and are now living together in the UK

Your daughter and her partner sound very sensible.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 31/12/2024 13:50

CedarnMinor · 31/12/2024 02:13

I guess in my mind its made it more painful, the last month has been spent with them knowing there is an end, so many tears.
Instead it could have been spent getting the worst few weeks of a break up over, then January could be a fresh start.

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OP, maybe the hard thing for you is realising that DD is an adult in a sexual relationship who can make choices for herself which might be very different from your choices. For her this probably is a tragedy and she wants to experience it as such.

Waterbaby41 · 31/12/2024 13:57

This is their relationship and their way of separating not yours. Please do not tell your daughter she is being odd. They are both being very mature about this.

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