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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 40 minutes to myself isn't too much to ask?

50 replies

Milesandsmiles · 30/12/2024 22:36

It's the Christmas holidays. Four kids, youngest is five. One with additional needs.

DH has a stressful senior job in the NHS and has not yet had a day off (apart from
Christmas Day and Boxing Day), but after working today is off until the new year.

I also have a senior job, less stressful, and have been off work for over a week now. However, we have been all over the place visiting family. When we haven't been out, I have had all four kids on my own.

Today, DH left for work at 7.30am. He returned at 6.15pm. I am training for a marathon and hadn't been able to do a training run today due to having the kids. I therefore asked DH if he minded if I went out then for 40 minutes bearing in mind that one child needed a lift somewhere at 7pm and that DH was taking another out for dinner at 7.30pm so there was a very short window to do this.

By his reaction, you'd have thought I had asked him to take charge while I went for a 6 week spa break in the Maldives.

His perspective: it is selfish and ridiculous to go out running every day.

My perspective: all children were settled and watching a movie. When I came back not one of them had moved. I have one hobby and I'm not even allowed to spend 40 minutes doing it at a time which makes next to no difference to him or anyone else.

(Normally I run early or on my work lunch break but neither of these are possible currently due to darkness/his work, and the school holidays...)

OP posts:
Pepperama · 30/12/2024 22:40

I think you’re slightly unreasonable. 40 mins isn’t too much to ask generally but after a long shift like that and with more activity planned, it sounds like he’d have no after work downtime. It’s great the kids didn’t move but you can’t rely on that and being in charge means being available rather than switching off

Original poster
Milesandsmiles · 30/12/2024 22:43

Interesting! To me his down time was his choice of going to a fancy restaurant with a teenager while I wrangled two young children through bathtime and bedtime on my own (which is always a nightmare as they fight and the one with additional needs doesn't sleep until 10pm at the earliest)

OP posts:
Dixiedot90 · 30/12/2024 22:48

I think you’re being a little unreasonable too

Hobbitfeet32 · 30/12/2024 22:56

Not unreasonable. Exercise is essential. He was going out for dinner which is leisure time.

OrangeSlices998 · 30/12/2024 22:57

Not unreasonable IMO - it’s 40m, hardly hours and hours! Theres lots of benefits of exercise and supervising kids watching a movie is hardly arduous

Nothelpingishard · 30/12/2024 22:58

I'm on the fence, can see it from sides. Maybe he's just a bit burnt out and in need of a holiday, and you're burnt out from solo parenting all day. Both were looking forward to a deserved bit of downtime after a long day and both saw the other as inconveniencing that plan. Wanting a break can feel like a one upmanship competition when there are kids and the juggle is real. This is presuming you see your marathon training as downtime, rather than something hellish to be endured for the greater good as I would see it 😅

Facilitating regular runs can mean a lot of picking up slack for the non running parent (which is usually me in my relationship) but presuming the marathon is a one off then it's only for a few months. My DH and I had to schedule them in so I knew what to expect otherwise I was likely to react like your DH tbh. If marathons became a regular occurrence I'm not sure I'd be so supportive. Agree with others that exercise is essential, but marathon training can be rather all encompassing.

Endofyear · 30/12/2024 23:31

I think you're perfectly reasonable. 40 minutes to go for a run when you've had the kids all day and will be doing bed/bath time on your own while he's out for a nice meal! It's hardly asking for the moon is it?!

tothelefttotheleft · 31/12/2024 00:20

@Endofyear

Totally agree.

Having to fight for a tiny bit of time is designed to make you stop asking and give up your hobbies.

peachystormy · 31/12/2024 00:20

Your not being unreasonable at all. And can't believe so many people on the thread think you are

LizzyLine · 31/12/2024 21:50

YANBU

40mins is fine. Much longer than that and it becomes harder to justify daily.

Skiptogetfit · 31/12/2024 23:03

40 mins is fine. Doesn’t going for a run make you feel SO much better about yourself that you are a much nicer person to be around? Can’t he see the benefit to him in your running?

RainbowSquare · 31/12/2024 23:08

Mrs Large's 5 Minutes Peace.

cherish123 · 31/12/2024 23:09

I can see it from both sides.

HousedInMySoul · 31/12/2024 23:10

Yanbu

edwinbear · 31/12/2024 23:12

YANBU OP. DH signed up for the London Marathon when DS was about 1. We discussed it beforehand, I knew exactly what the training schedule would be (about 100km a week) and he had my full blessing. We both worked FT, it was something he really wanted to do and whilst it did mean I took the brunt of child care for a while, I was so proud when he got a good 3.08 time. He returned the favour when I wanted to do a cross channel swim a few years later. 40mins is nothing if you’re marathon training - are you getting out for your 2hr runs?

DorothyStorm · 31/12/2024 23:13

DH has a stressful senior job in the NHS and has not yet had a day off (apart from
Christmas Day and Boxing Day), but after working today is off until the new year.
So he had two days off in a week. That is a normal working week.

and i agree with the pp. you arent allowed to do anything for yourself. You need to make yourself smaller and smaller.

Everlygreen · 31/12/2024 23:27

I think taking on something which requires daily commitment when you have FOUR kids , stressful jobs, and busy lives is a bit unfair without your partner being fully on board.

Katy232425 · 31/12/2024 23:30

Presumably it was dark this evening though?

I think it’s reasonable to expect a forty minute run. I’m not sure it’s reasonable to spring that on DH out of the blue the moment he comes home from a long and stressful shift at work. It would partly depend to me on whether he’s normally supportive or if he’s always difficult about you having time to yourself.

Edited to add - I think the “I only have one hobby and I can’t even do that” bit is martyr-ish when your hobby is daily long runs (not a weekly event), which are only being disrupted because of the entirely predictable event of having four children in the school holidays when your DH has a job that involves stressful long hours over those holidays. Surely that’s just part and parcel of a big family and young children over the holidays, hobbies have to be temporarily put aside.

Snoopysimaginaryfriend · 31/12/2024 23:31

You say he’s taking your teenage out for dinner, could your teenager not watch their siblings for forty minutes?

ElderLemon · 31/12/2024 23:37

I am thinking 4 children, one with additional needs, 2 senior jobs, and marathon training. It sounds like so much, I am not surprised there are arguments and tension.

CouldntGiveAHoot · 31/12/2024 23:57

I think this probably needs planning outside of the heat of the moment and when one or either of you hasn't just done a long shift of work/childcare. Sit down when all is calmer and work out how you both fit this in around everything else.

It also seems like the kind of thing that could have more easily happened tomorrow morning if he's off work now for a few days.

BettyBardMacDonald · 01/01/2025 00:14

Two senior jobs, four kids and time-consuming hobbies... why not get a nanny or au pair instead of squabbling about it??

JMSA · 01/01/2025 00:36

40 minutes is nothing!
I don't think you're being unreasonable in the least.

Merryoldgoat · 01/01/2025 01:08

ElderLemon · 31/12/2024 23:37

I am thinking 4 children, one with additional needs, 2 senior jobs, and marathon training. It sounds like so much, I am not surprised there are arguments and tension.

This is what I felt.

I have two children with SEN, neither DH nor I have ‘big’ jobs but we are busy.

If I’d had a shit day and got home and the first thing was DH wanting to go running I’d be a bit peeved.

I also wouldn’t support DH training for a marathon when the children are of an age where they need to be actively looked after most of the time. The time, dietary requirements, possibility for injury etc. It would be a ‘not until life is easier’.

Have you enjoyed your Christmas @Milesandsmiles ? I used to do all that running about. We were miserable. It didn’t suit anyone at all and I have no idea why we did it. Your family life sounds like there is very little give and that’s a recipe for discord and disharmony.

BitterTits · 01/01/2025 01:12

By his reaction, you'd have thought I had asked him to take charge while I went for a 6 week spa break in the Maldives.

YANBU based on this sentence alone 😆