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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think 40 minutes to myself isn't too much to ask?

50 replies

Milesandsmiles · 30/12/2024 22:36

It's the Christmas holidays. Four kids, youngest is five. One with additional needs.

DH has a stressful senior job in the NHS and has not yet had a day off (apart from
Christmas Day and Boxing Day), but after working today is off until the new year.

I also have a senior job, less stressful, and have been off work for over a week now. However, we have been all over the place visiting family. When we haven't been out, I have had all four kids on my own.

Today, DH left for work at 7.30am. He returned at 6.15pm. I am training for a marathon and hadn't been able to do a training run today due to having the kids. I therefore asked DH if he minded if I went out then for 40 minutes bearing in mind that one child needed a lift somewhere at 7pm and that DH was taking another out for dinner at 7.30pm so there was a very short window to do this.

By his reaction, you'd have thought I had asked him to take charge while I went for a 6 week spa break in the Maldives.

His perspective: it is selfish and ridiculous to go out running every day.

My perspective: all children were settled and watching a movie. When I came back not one of them had moved. I have one hobby and I'm not even allowed to spend 40 minutes doing it at a time which makes next to no difference to him or anyone else.

(Normally I run early or on my work lunch break but neither of these are possible currently due to darkness/his work, and the school holidays...)

OP posts:

hopsalong · 01/01/2025 01:16

I don't think YABU at all, in and of itself. But your life sounds so stressful. Marathon training alone sounds horrible to me. But marathon training and four kids, one with SEN, and a husband in the NHS? Don't you just want to lie down?

ChimneyRock · 01/01/2025 01:46

How many women get "downtime"
when they get home from their full-time jobs?
Pisses me off, this infantilising of men - ooh they've been out all day dossing about in an officechatting to adults.

pumpkinpillow · 01/01/2025 08:32

Not the point...but you absolutely don't need to be running every day.
When is the marathon?
Did you discuss how your training will impact the running of the house/childcare?

Wonderwall23 · 01/01/2025 09:02

Nothelpingishard · 30/12/2024 22:58

I'm on the fence, can see it from sides. Maybe he's just a bit burnt out and in need of a holiday, and you're burnt out from solo parenting all day. Both were looking forward to a deserved bit of downtime after a long day and both saw the other as inconveniencing that plan. Wanting a break can feel like a one upmanship competition when there are kids and the juggle is real. This is presuming you see your marathon training as downtime, rather than something hellish to be endured for the greater good as I would see it 😅

Facilitating regular runs can mean a lot of picking up slack for the non running parent (which is usually me in my relationship) but presuming the marathon is a one off then it's only for a few months. My DH and I had to schedule them in so I knew what to expect otherwise I was likely to react like your DH tbh. If marathons became a regular occurrence I'm not sure I'd be so supportive. Agree with others that exercise is essential, but marathon training can be rather all encompassing.

Edited

I agree with this.

I can definitely see both sides. I'm quite surprised other people are able to commit to a YABU or YANBU to be honest.

TwilightSkies · 01/01/2025 09:05

Definitely NBU. If he thinks looking after the kids is so difficult and stressful, then that just proves you need time to yourself since you’d had them all day !

RabbitsEatPancakes · 01/01/2025 09:05

edwinbear · 31/12/2024 23:12

YANBU OP. DH signed up for the London Marathon when DS was about 1. We discussed it beforehand, I knew exactly what the training schedule would be (about 100km a week) and he had my full blessing. We both worked FT, it was something he really wanted to do and whilst it did mean I took the brunt of child care for a while, I was so proud when he got a good 3.08 time. He returned the favour when I wanted to do a cross channel swim a few years later. 40mins is nothing if you’re marathon training - are you getting out for your 2hr runs?

One kid age 1 is completely different to 4, 1 with SEN!

Azandme · 01/01/2025 09:05

TwilightSkies · 01/01/2025 09:05

Definitely NBU. If he thinks looking after the kids is so difficult and stressful, then that just proves you need time to yourself since you’d had them all day !

This!

FindingGlimmers · 01/01/2025 09:10

I think you are not unreasonable but I can kind of see his side too.

My husband is a runner and while he’s only out for 30-40 mins at a time, I must admit that sometimes when he comes in and declares he’s away for a run I do momentarily feel a bit 😒🙄 about it. But I know it’s just a small thing that makes a big difference to him so I just deal with it to be honest.

imisscashmere · 01/01/2025 09:27

You probably could have dodged the argument by planning more in advance and discussing with him when you would be going. I know that’s very hard to do though!

Boomer55 · 01/01/2025 09:29

I think you’re a bit unreasonable to expect to be able to do that after he’s worked a full day.🤷‍♀️

Littlemisscapable · 01/01/2025 09:30

OrangeSlices998 · 30/12/2024 22:57

Not unreasonable IMO - it’s 40m, hardly hours and hours! Theres lots of benefits of exercise and supervising kids watching a movie is hardly arduous

This.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 01/01/2025 09:31

Katy232425 · 31/12/2024 23:30

Presumably it was dark this evening though?

I think it’s reasonable to expect a forty minute run. I’m not sure it’s reasonable to spring that on DH out of the blue the moment he comes home from a long and stressful shift at work. It would partly depend to me on whether he’s normally supportive or if he’s always difficult about you having time to yourself.

Edited to add - I think the “I only have one hobby and I can’t even do that” bit is martyr-ish when your hobby is daily long runs (not a weekly event), which are only being disrupted because of the entirely predictable event of having four children in the school holidays when your DH has a job that involves stressful long hours over those holidays. Surely that’s just part and parcel of a big family and young children over the holidays, hobbies have to be temporarily put aside.

Edited

Agreed. Neither are unreasonable really.

readingismycardio · 01/01/2025 09:33

Not unreasonable. Exercise is not a luxury, is something we all should be able to do, daily.

Glittertwins · 01/01/2025 09:34

It's not a lot of time however have you shared your marathon training plan with him? DH is doing one this year as it's about the only time in the last few years that we've been able to fit in the training time inside work and other commitments on both of us.

WomenInConstruction · 01/01/2025 09:36

Not unreasonable op given the context etc.

But unless he has form for this I'd just put it down to a bad reaction and chat about it later when neither of you are on the spot.

I think coming home tired from a long stressful shift, expecting a quick turn around before you head out the door again, you could react like this without really thinking it through and taking in the fact that they're all just fine watching a film.

Naunet · 01/01/2025 09:57

Boomer55 · 01/01/2025 09:29

I think you’re a bit unreasonable to expect to be able to do that after he’s worked a full day.🤷‍♀️

Do you know any women who don't have to watch their own kids because they did a day's work?

NeighbourHitMyCar · 01/01/2025 11:33

I sort of think you are a bit unreasonable here too. By your own admission he's not had much of a break and 'he's off now until the new year' suggests he's again only got 2/3 days off this week.

He's out the house at 7.30 so up much earlier and when he gets through the door he's then got no down time as you need a run as it was dark this morning (but is also dark this evening?)

I think if you have a hobby that requires daily runs of c40 mins then it requires lots of planning or give forewarning to your DH during the day so he knows what he's coming home to

I say this as the one in our marriage who has the more stressful job with little holiday. If my DH said he needed to go cycling the minute I'd got home and that one of the kids needs taking somewhere I'd be a bit pissed I wasn't warned. But my DH usually gives me some downtime when I get home and I pop out with the dog for some fresh air

Resilienceisimportant · 01/01/2025 11:42

Everlygreen · 31/12/2024 23:27

I think taking on something which requires daily commitment when you have FOUR kids , stressful jobs, and busy lives is a bit unfair without your partner being fully on board.

Yeah and overall you are making it about just 40 minutes.

No it wasn’t that at all. He isn’t walked through the door and you were off out to go for a run when he went right into managing the kids with two having activities.

Yeah it’s good to have something for yourself but it’s a big deal to train for a marathon and having four kids is A LOT OF WORK.

You said he has a very stressful job with little time off and you wanted to go out the minute he can win and you have been off for days.

You are making it about just 40 minutes but it’s how it fits in overall. Plus let’s be honest when you come back it’s dinner time which needs doing and you will probably need to take a shower.

You need to balance your family life together and timings and what works best. You can fit this in, but maybe since it would have been dark anyway you could have gone at 8:30 or something.

YABU.

stopthepigeonstopthepigeon · 01/01/2025 11:51

In principle YANBU but if it was practically the first thing you said to him when he got back home then I can see why he was annoyed

mamajong · 01/01/2025 11:58

I can see both sides here - he hasn't had the time off you have, and equally you wanted to utilise a small window of opportunity. I don't think anyone is unreasonable - these are the tensions that come from having big jobs and big families, and i can entirely relate.

Going forward, do you have a support network to help you with the kids from time to time. Could you reduce the Christmas visits with family so it's less travelling/socialising? Can you get a treadmill so you have the option to run at home when it's not easy to get out?

When no one is really unreasonable you have to find ways to compromise, especially if you're happy and it works most of the time

SnoopysHoose · 01/01/2025 12:26

If you have a teenager can they supervise for 40 mins at any point in the day?

Original poster

Milesandsmiles · 01/01/2025 18:46

Oh wow DH is getting an easy ride here 😄

FWIW, I went out for a run and when I came back, the kids hadn’t moved. DH was not in the room and kids looked at me blankly when I asked where he was, so there was basically zero supervision going on, I just needed him to be in the house in case of emergency.

I have run marathons previously. I normally manage this by running straight after school drop off (I do 4 out of 5) or during my work lunch break. I don’t ever run on a Saturday. We take it in turns for a lie in at the weekend, and I go out instead of my lie in on Sunday.

So basically it has minimal effect on him or anyone else. I absolutely agree his reaction is designed to put me off asking again and make me give up. I won’t though, because I already do 90% of the childcare and all the housework and won’t stop doing something which is basically the only free time I have…

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 01/01/2025 18:50

So basically it has minimal effect on him or anyone else. I absolutely agree his reaction is designed to put me off asking again and make me give up.

If you honestly think this then your relationship has serious issues. I would never think my DH would behave like this.

We can be tetchy when stressed and not react perfectly but we’d never sabotage each other - we’d have a chat and we’d find a solution.

Amomynous · 01/01/2025 18:54

TwilightSkies · 01/01/2025 09:05

Definitely NBU. If he thinks looking after the kids is so difficult and stressful, then that just proves you need time to yourself since you’d had them all day !

Quite

coolkatt · 01/01/2025 19:23

U are being totally reasonable here not ur husband.
Yes he has been at work welcome to the real world. Woman all over the country work full time come home to kids. Have to make meals do washing cleaning pets we all know the list goes on. Heaven help a man has to do this for 40!! Minutes, poor man, he should ask for a divorce and get a woman who will come and pet him all better when he gets home.

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