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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH is lonely - AIBU ?

40 replies

JoanCandy · 30/12/2024 20:03

I'm 56, ExH is 60 and we've been divorced for a number of years. We still get on - ish. We live nearby one another and help each other out with stuff. I also have a DD aged 23 who lives with me who has special needs - she still needs support for a lot of things (food prep, personal care etc.). ExH isn't her bio Dad but has been in her life since she was 4 and they have a nice friendship, he will help out with her care from time to time as I work p/t - like I say, on the whole, we do all get on.

He has no-one else in his life, no partner, his adult son lives several hours away and they have no real relationship anyway (ExH's fault). No other family and he has no friends. ExH is an alcoholic and the problems that that caused during our marriage (he hardly ever worked, left me to pay for everything, run the home, cover the bills, sort his life stuff out, all housework etc, etc there was no DV or anything like that) is the reason that we aren't together.

He lives a five minute drive away and gradually over a few months he has started to spend weekends here (he sleeps on the sofa, there's absolutely NOTHING like that going on !). I've started to feel resentful of this unspoken arrangement and like my life and space are being encroached upon. My DD and I moved into our own little home a year ago after renting for years and I'm so proud of it, it's not much but it's OURS. I'm very independent and single intentionally, I have a couple of men in my life that have shown a bit of interest lately but I've made it clear that I only want to be friends, I'm completely done with being beholden to another man again.

So, ExH came here for Christmas - otherwise he'd have been by himself - and we did have a lovely time, we exchanged some small gifts, had a nice dinner. I had to practically crowbar him out of the door to get him to leave and now he's upset as he'd assumed that he could come over here for NYE and I've said an emphatic 'no'. I'm seeing a few mates for a quick drink early on but I want to be with my DD to see in the New Year. I've also told him that I'm not happy that he's started to spend every weekend around here, I feel once again taken for granted just like when we were married. He ordered a new phone the other day and because he wasn't going to be in he gave MY address for the courier to deliver it to ! I think that's been the final straw, actually. It just reeked of cheeky fckery to me and also he won't have the slightest clue how to set it up and so that'll be down to me too - I don't know why I'm still sorting out his sht for him ! I have loads going on in my own life, I work, look after my DD, look after the house and I never ask anyone for anything whereas he's the total opposite, he's never taken any responsibility for the way that his life has turned out but he's let down everyone (his son, his previous ex, his friends, me) with his selfishness.

What do you think as impartial observers ? How do I extricate myself from this obligation I feel to 'look after' him but still remain on good terms ? Is that even possible ? Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
FauxChicken · 30/12/2024 20:08

You’ll have to have a frank conversation with him. Because you were once familiar, he’s now given himself permission to make himself way too comfortable. Friends, or friendly anyways, is a far cry from this scenario he’s mooched into. Bit like the camel in the tent, except you’ll all be in the tent together with him all warm and cosy and you seething.

FloralCrown · 30/12/2024 20:17

You need to remind him that you're divorced.

"You can't come over tonight, we're not married anymore."

"You can't stay tonight, you're my Ex-H, remember?"

"You need to leave now, I want some peace in my own home."

It's not the time to be subtle, he's trying to move in by stealth 🙄

Porkyporkchop · 30/12/2024 20:19

Remind him you are no
longer married and see him to the door .

“I would like you to leave now”

Member984815 · 30/12/2024 20:21

Has he tried getting out joining clubs , his loneliness is not for you to fix .

Original poster
JoanCandy · 30/12/2024 20:31

Thanks, all of you.

If I suggest he joins some clubs or some such he blames his 'social phobia' (he switches this on and off, btw) and says that he can't do it. We live in a really nice place, lots going on within walking distance. I've suggested he see his Dr to talk about all of this, I get that loneliness is a huge problem particularly amongst single men. He's never been one to help himself and it's a mindset I just don't understand, I'm afraid.

OP posts:
BeeCucumber · 30/12/2024 20:34

You are not responsible for him or his happiness. Firm up your boundaries as you are giving him mixed signals.

Justmuddlingalong · 30/12/2024 20:44

He's creeping back. He'll continue to do so until you nip it in the bud.
You are not responsible for him, his social life or setting up his bloody phone.
You're going to have to be straight to the point. No more deliveries, no more overnights and no more blurring of the lines.
Your relationship ended, you are friends, but he's worming his way to it being more.
If the "friendship" doesn't survive a few home truths and rules, so be it.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 30/12/2024 20:48

JoanCandy · 30/12/2024 20:31

Thanks, all of you.

If I suggest he joins some clubs or some such he blames his 'social phobia' (he switches this on and off, btw) and says that he can't do it. We live in a really nice place, lots going on within walking distance. I've suggested he see his Dr to talk about all of this, I get that loneliness is a huge problem particularly amongst single men. He's never been one to help himself and it's a mindset I just don't understand, I'm afraid.

All of this is his problem. Not yours. If he wants to be alone then so be it.

outerspacepotato · 30/12/2024 21:03

You're being unreasonable to do his stuff for him and let him come over every damn weekend much less stay at your place.

You get he's trying to get you to do the wife stuff for him, don't you? And move back in? He's using your address!

Stop being codependent and feeling like you're responsible for his stuff and his life. And tell him if he dares use your address that shit's getting sent back.

You need boundaries. You've already got a kid who needs your attention, you don't need him too.

Daleksatemyshed · 30/12/2024 21:04

It's good that you've been able to be friendly but he's taking that as a green light to try and creep back into your life Op. If he'd given up the drinking and helped you as he should then you'd still be married, he made no effort to change so if he now has no wife and no friends it's his own fault.
You should never have let him sleep on the coach, that's far too close to moving in, and having to crowbar him out the door shows he already thinks he can come and go as he likes. Boundaries Op, good strong boundaries or before you know it you'll be divorced but still with an Ex shaped cuckoo in the nest

Dillydollydingdong · 30/12/2024 21:11

Tell him to join a few clubs and get to know people. Snooker, darts, cars, motorbikes, bowls, petanque? Or learn something? Guitar? He ought to be making the most of this time in his life. The world is his lobster.

FinallyHere · 30/12/2024 21:11

Yeah. Boundaries.

Tell him and do the broken record technique to keep repeating what you need to say to him. And stick to it, don't weaken.

Why would you, he isn't even grateful, doesn't even pretend to be grateful.

JMSA · 30/12/2024 21:14

You're going to have to do more on boundary setting. It's never going to come from him, as leeches are no good with boundaries.

JMSA · 30/12/2024 21:16

And also, getting his feet under the table at yours, it's actually a block to getting out there, doing stuff and meeting new people.
So you'll actually be doing him a favour by cutting the strings a bit.

WearyAuldWumman · 30/12/2024 21:17

You're not unreasonable.

Even though my late husband's ex had her OM, she would keep phoning my husband when she needed anything practical done for her, such as changing the wheel on her car. (Her BF lived close enough, but was pretty useless at practical things.)

The BF died. She got another partner. He died. She acquired another one. In the meantime, her son and DIL suggested she move to sheltered accommodation near them.

She told a mutual friend that she wanted to stay where she was, close to "DH and Weary". That was when I told DH (who was by then disabled) that I was not volunteering to be the ex's carer. (I'd previously made the mistake of feeling sorry for her and had taken her to and from hospital for a minor op.)

Stick to your guns.

Original poster
JoanCandy · 30/12/2024 21:49

Thanks, all of you that have read and replied. A few of the comments have been a bit hard to read but you are all right in what you're saying and I needed some perspective and home truths.

To the poster that said I was holding him back too, yes, I agree I need to get out of his way as much as I need him to get out of mine !

I'm terrible for letting things 'slide' and I'm not good at setting boundaries either, i let stuff build up and up and then become enraged and full of resentment.

I didn't accept the phone delivery, by the way 😏

OP posts:
JMSA · 30/12/2024 21:52

JoanCandy · 30/12/2024 21:49

Thanks, all of you that have read and replied. A few of the comments have been a bit hard to read but you are all right in what you're saying and I needed some perspective and home truths.

To the poster that said I was holding him back too, yes, I agree I need to get out of his way as much as I need him to get out of mine !

I'm terrible for letting things 'slide' and I'm not good at setting boundaries either, i let stuff build up and up and then become enraged and full of resentment.

I didn't accept the phone delivery, by the way 😏

Try not to be too hard on yourself. But learning boundary setting will benefit all of your future relationships, and not just this one!
Some men people will take a mile if you give an inch.
Very best of luck!

ThoseDarnCrows · 30/12/2024 22:23

His loneliness is not your problem. Don't make it your problem.

Daleksatemyshed · 30/12/2024 22:35

A good start @JoanCandy . Just remember, he was useless so you did everything, you're used to running his life for him and so is he, but that was why you had to leave. Not your circus, not your monkeys

Endofyear · 30/12/2024 22:36

You're obviously a kind person but you have allowed this situation to develop and you need to put a stop to it. Sit him down and have a frank conversation - say you value his friendship but that you need to set some boundaries to protect your privacy and independence. No more staying on your sofa and not doing things like setting up his phone/life admin for him. Unfortunately, the more you do, the more he will expect.

Does he acknowledge his alcoholism? You can address it directly and encourage him to get help but it really has to come from him. Maybe by withdrawing a little, it will make him think about helping himself.

PokerFriedDips · 30/12/2024 22:43

ThoseDarnCrows · 30/12/2024 22:23

His loneliness is not your problem. Don't make it your problem.

This.
He is not your problem. You need firm boundaries that he only comes to your home when invited and he absolutely does not stay over again. Any future parcels addressed to him at your address need to be returned to sender that cheeky fuckery must stop right away. He is your ex for a reason. Having him not-really-gone like this isn't good for anyone.

AlertCat · 30/12/2024 22:43

Just pull back a bit, be less available. And no sleepovers.

Cheesyfootballs01 · 30/12/2024 22:50

OP don’t let him creep back in to your life.

Stop the sleep overs for a start and make it VERY clear that you are friends and friends only.

Also don’t try to arrange stuff for him to do - he needs to learn to do things on his own without you.

Turmerictolly · 30/12/2024 23:42

Agree with the others but be prepared that he may no longer look after your dc when needed.

CollyModdle · 31/12/2024 00:22

Have a list of bright and breezy phrases at the ready. Phrases where you set the agenda.
e.g
”it’s been lovely seeing you but you’ve got your own home to go to”
”Thanks for spending time with Dd, I appreciate it. I’ll be in touch in a week or two and catch up”
”I think we are x (years since divorced) number of years past spending the night under the same roof, so safe journey home and I’ll see you the week after next “

etc

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