I can't ever seem to be able to please my mum

[HiPokerFace]

This thread concerns my relationship with my mum, which has always been incredibly important to me but has always found ways to make me feel overwhelmed and very sad.

Every Christmas, I try to recreate the traditions from my childhood in Eastern Europe, as they bring me a sense of nostalgia and connection to my roots. On Christmas Eve, my family gathers for a traditional meal: cabbage and rice dolmas, red peppers stuffed with butter beans, and soda bread containing a coin and wishes. While my children (aged 12 and 16) are picky eaters and don’t particularly enjoy the main dishes, they love the ritual of digging through their chunks of bread to find their wishes. It’s a cherished tradition for me, even if it doesn’t resonate in the same way with everyone else.

My mum is very particular about how the food tastes, so she insists on making the cabbage dolmas and red peppers herself ( apparently mine doesn't taste good) while I handle the bread. However, she always finds fault with the bread I make—it’s never quite right - too big, too small, too dark, not baked enough, too salty, not tasty enough etc. On Christmas Eve, my kids managed to sit at the table for about an hour to an hour and a half before they were ready to move on, as kids often are. My mum, on the other hand, enjoys lingering at the table with her meal and a drink, and I happily keep her company.

On Christmas Day, I invited her to arrive between 1:00 and 1:15 PM so we could open presents before sitting down to eat around 2:00 or 2:30 PM. She arrived at 12:55 PM while I was just finishing up a hectic morning of cooking and had just gotten out of the shower. Although it was only five minutes early, she expressed frustration that I wasn’t ready to greet her and complained that "everything" was cold - which it wasn't, but she always generalises. She also brought a noticeably uneven number of gifts for my children, with significantly more for my daughter than for my son. This is unusual, as she typically ensures they receive equal amounts and extra gifts are usually saved for my daughter’s birthday at the end of January.

I thought Christmas Day went relatively well, but shortly after she left, I received a long text message from her. In it, she said, “From next year, I believe you should have Christmas without me,” and explained that this would be the last time she joined us for Christmas Eve or Christmas Day lunch. She expressed that the traditions felt “stupid” since my children don’t eat the traditional Eastern European food she prepares and suggested it was time for me to create new traditions.

This text broke my heart. I can’t imagine Christmas without everyone around the table with the foods and traditions that are so meaningful to me. My children understand the importance of these customs, even if they don’t eat everything or linger at the table as long as we might wish. Her criticism of my traditions (also the traditions of her childhood) feels deeply hurtful, and her timing—sending this message on Christmas Day—felt particularly harsh. I can’t help but feel that her negative comments stem from unresolved childhood trauma and that hurting me through criticism is one of the ways she seeks temporary relief.

My mum is one of the three most important people in my life, but I feel emotionally drained. She has no close friends and often says she “hates people,” which leaves me as her primary (and sometimes sole) social connection. This dynamic places immense pressure on me to be a “good daughter,” yet it feels like I can never meet her expectations. If this was a friendship, I would have ended it long ago, but she’s my mum, and I don’t know how to navigate this situation anymore.

Yesterday we went out for a pre-New Year’s lunch, where we ended up discussing the above issues. Unfortunately, it turned into a disagreement, and we left without speaking to each other or saying goodbye. I’m heartbroken and don’t know how to move forward.

If anyone has experienced similar challenges or has advice on how to manage such a complex and painful relationship, I would deeply appreciate your thoughts. How do I maintain my own sense of well-being while staying connected to someone so integral to my life but so difficult to please?
Thank you for taking the time to read this. Your perspective would mean the world to me.

Halfway through our Christmas dinner, my mother let it be known that my parents are throwing their own dinner on Boxing Day with my brother and nephew, one that I and my family were very obviously not invited to. I was crushed. I didn't say anything, but this is the long line of shitty behavior, and I'm done. I have tried everything possible to compensate for a lack of wanting to build connection with my family on their part, but you can't - it's impossible. So I'm accepting that my parents are not invested in the relationship in the same way that I have been and I'm going to start investing that energy in the people who really do care about us.

It really hurts to be rejected by your own family, particularly your mother. It makes you feel like there must be something wrong with you. But fuck them. Their loss. I don't see that's there's anything to be done. I'll eat my own fist before I call them again.

I also had a father who would also always find a way to let me know what a disappointment I was to him. My oldest sister was his favourite and she idolised him, stayed up drinking with him and hung onto his every word. I never thought he was that great.
My aunt once told me that I am the most like my mother which is probably why he never liked me.
Your mother picking fault with you is doing it deliberately to put you down. Why , I don’t know. It’s not a daughter’s job to prop up her mother. You say she has no friends, that is on her. That is not your burden to carry even though she is making it so.
Carry on with your lovely traditions, they sound charming and delightful. If she doesn’t want to join in, more fool her.

OP your DM sounds like my DH's mother. She is a very manipulative woman who will upset my DH if she doesn't get her way. I see it for what it is, as I'm not emotionally involved but my DH is like a sad puppy trying and failing to gain her approval. She has never helped us in any way, she hasn't driven, done any childcare, visited us or shown any interest in us. My DH runs around giving her lifts, does her shopping, DIY, finances, the lot and absolutely NOTHING is done right by him. I hear his phone calls to her - I've advised him not to ask how she is as he just gets a list of everything that has inconvenienced her over the past 24 hours. It's too hot, too cold, too noisy, too uncomfortable, I need you to fix x, I need you to go to the shops, I don't understand x etc. etc. I personally think it's a way of control - if she's always on the attack with things being 'wrong', my DH is always on the defensive trying to put things 'right'. As an outside observer, I see a sad old woman with a sad life who will not take ANY advise or criticism. She's alienated everyone she's known and only has DH who she has conditioned to jump to her every whim, as 'there's only me on my own' .

You feel you can't do anything to please her so stop trying. Everytime you think she's criticising you, say to yourself or even better out loud "ok" and move on. Treat like her a child, humour her. Would you be rude to a three old? No. You'd just move the conversation on. You'd talk to a three year old in a sing song positive way.Of course people will say why should be kind/say ok/move on quickly/humour her.....but you want to keep a relationship with her. You want her in your life so you have to find a way to not have her affect you constantly.

I did this with my elderly grandmother. I was brought up by her, I will miss her until the end of my time now she's gone 💔...but boy ,due to her age, was she hard work. She was a stong minded, strong willed woman who spoke her mind. I've worked with kids for 30 years. Once I started to treat her as a pupil in my class, we got on much better. Litter it with hugs and kisses with my sing sing voice and we were winning.

I wouldn't address right now, next christmas. Everything is heightened at this time of year. We all have big expectations from this time of year and a lot of people will say it didn't crack up to it/I'm deflated/it was a rubbish christmas/it didn't go as planned etc. We put so much pressure on ourselves and each other at this time of year. Let her calm down about next year and tackle it nearer the time. She might have mellowed by then.

It is possible that she finds the day too much now. There's a lot of generational years between your kids and your mum. Maybe she doesn't have the headspace to understand what life is like now for teenagers, let alone so far from the traditions of her homeland. Maybe she just finds it generally all too tiring now.

If she does come next year, let her crack on with the food. Make her feel like she's helping. Agree noone can do it better than her. Whether you do, who cares, if it pleases her and she will come. Maybe let her know early on in the day that the kids can't sit at the table but reveal you've got something just for you and her to do together....a jigsaw? A walk? A tv programme? Making a cake? Sewing? Just change the direction, don't dwell on the kids. If you want your mum to come to these things all you can do is try.

I wouldnt just keep on focusing on "traditions" yours or hers. Even in the post you wrote above, I can see traditional things are very very important to you but really even the overuse of the word was quite full on. Take the heat off the "traditions". Sure keep them as they are important to you but all of you are getting worked up over them. We all change as we grow....I built a foundation of traditions with my kids but equally they're probably for my memories now, as my kids are adults with kids of their own. Take the heat off a bit, it's all got a bit intense

Next year we are going away. Never done this before. You can’t dictate what she chooses to do. Your foods and traditions are important to you. But you can’t make anyone else feel the same.

Sorry but your mum sounds so very difficult. Uber critical. Nothing you do will ever please her.

So don't try anymore. Please yourself. Not her. Please your dcs. Not her.

Next Christmas, simply don't invite her and remind her of the text she sent you this year. Bloody awful and cruel. A singularly ungracious entitled woman.

Also you're allowed to develop your own traditions exactly as you please.

It's not your job to recreate Christmas according to her wishes.

Don't be heartbroken. She sounds like a bully. And bullies, when you stand up to them, often dissolve.

Stand your ground.

I love my mother but I don’t like her.
my mother is a very unpleasant woman who is deeply unhappy and strives to make everyone around her as miserable as she is.
it’s taken me many years to come to terms with the fact that I’ll never have a loving mother who wants the best for me and will act in my best interest. It’s sad but it’s brought me some peace.
I hope that you can come to terms with your mother’s behaviour in a way that brings you peace too. X

That first line. My god, if I had a penny for how many times my mother said that to me as a child.

I've a very difficult relationship with my mother and I now do greenock with her. 'Oh really? Ohats nice. That's interesting.'

Once I realised that she has a lot of 'her'problems and that it's never connected to me, I held onto that. When she makes comments that hurt me I'm just breezy and move on, pretending I didn't hear it or that it wasn't very important. I'm also low contact.

Your mum told you to go ahead without her because she wanted to hurt you. I would have replied with something totally unbuttered such as 'aw that's a shame but no worries, you can come over afterwards or whatever you prefer x'

She is actually pulling out the stops to manipulate you because she knows she only has you. Let her think that her attempts to control you aren't working because actually, you are the one who has the power here and she knows it (but doesn't want you to).

My MIL can be very manipulative and make people feel ‘lesser than’ with comments and actions-Xmas would always be particularly stressful as there’s heightened emotions and a lot of prep.

One year I gave birth on Boxing Day so we had to break with the tradition of traipsing round every day over Christmas to be welcomed by her bitching and making digs. Honestly, it was liberating not being dictated to by her and coming away feeling hurt and upset.

I’d be inclined to deliberately take her text about next year at face value, view it as her gift to you, plan your Christmas without her. Have whatever food you want and enjoy it without her sniping. Focus totally on your family unit. She’ll only change her behaviour if she wants to and all the time you’re playing your role of good daughter there’s no incentive for her to behave.

You don't mention whether you have siblings or not ? It doesn't sound like it ut if you do, how is she with you ? How is she with your DH ??

This.
Don't mention xmas again not even next December. She has made her bed
My mum.is very difficult. What I do will never be enough. If things don't go her way she has a go. This xmas she left me to make plans with old family friends saying she would fit in then moaned about where we were going, what time and where we sat in the pub. I stayed later in pub with grown up daughter then she moaned we hadn't gone home with her. She always expects everyone to fit in with her and ehat she wants. Well at xmas we all have to compromise. I have learnt now to do what I want to do because I get moaned at either way

I’m so sorry your mum is like this. Call her bluff and just keep it to your kids and family. You’ll feel relieved and I can guarantee that your kids will insist on these traditions. Mine are all grown now and we have to stick to the traditions.

I think you need to come to terms with the fact that you will never be able to please your mum no matter what you do because SHE has decided so. Look at it as a her problem. How sad to have this critical outlook on your own daughter. Step back and focus on your kids and be wary that she doesn't start criticising them when she realises she can't get to you anymore...

Christmas time makes everyone feel incredibly homesick.

I live in NZ and I had a breakdown this year about the christmas cake here (almost certainly offended a lot of people). Luckily my friend sent me one from M&S and I ate it while watching the Gavin and Stacey Xmas special which made me feel better.

I thought I was being a twat, but I am friends with someone who British has lived in NZ for 30 years and she said it never gets better.

I ignore christmas now, its in the middle of the summer and I have been to other peoples houses as a "christmas orphan" and it just feels like shit.

Let her have christmas on her own and meet up with her on Boxing Day.

She's emotionally manipulative and intends deliberately to hurt you.

She's also given you an out. Grab it. "I'm sorry you feel like that, Mum, but perhaps it's for the best if you don't like how we do Christmas."

And then if she starts angling for an invite, "Really sorry, Mum, but we've made plans since you said you wouldn't be joining us".

Why not start a tradition of pleasing yourself rather than others next year?

It is very hurtful OP. I would focus on your own family from now on . The invitation is there for your mother and it's up to her to attend or not . My feeling is she will despite her bluster now . It's not easy not having your family at Christmas and I think she may regret being so hasty . Personally I wouldn't be chasing her or contacting her as she is upsetting everyone and it's not nice for your children having a moany person at Xmas . If she does come I'd set boundaries, equal gifts for the children as part of that .

The only Christmas traditions I want my kids to follow is to do what they want! I have zero expectations of Christmas future.

Do the traditions that make you and your children happy. If she chooses not to come, that's her loss. Make it lovely for your children x

This sounds particularly challenging. I get on well with my parents - more so than a few years ago. I’ve always found Christmas exasperates things. From experience, I’ve found taking a step back from it all helps. I tried to address issue with my parents years ago, didn’t go well. So I’ve learned that keeping an arms length distance from things, such as being cordial to texts etc not ignoring them. Not rising to any baiting in a text or or phone call helps. Don’t get me wrong, there was plenty I could say but didn’t! My other half says I’m much more patient than they’d have been!

Nearer the time next Christmas, I would remind her of his wishes following this one. Keep the message to show her if needs be.

Looking at the Christmas Eve tradition only, while you find it meaningful, your children only like the bread, your mum cooks the main that the kids don’t eat and wants to linger longer round that table. So mum isn’t getting what you are out of this tradition, she wants people to enjoy her food and have good conversation for longer. Your kids don’t get what you do either as they don’t like the main course.

So it’s not surprising that your mum doesn't want to do it anymore and is suggesting you make a different tradition. She’s saying make one that your kids really enjoy. Keep the bread tradition as they really like that but maybe adapt the food.

My mother would have been there earlier to help me with the preparations, and tell me to go and have a shower whilst she looked after things in the kitchen, and that's what I would I would do for my children. Tell your mother that when she keeps putting you down and complaining, it hurts you very much and that you want a good relationship with her, where she supports you, not hurts you. Ask her why she wants to hurt her own daughter, what does she get from it. I would put all these things to her and ask her to answer these questions. As you say, you wouldn't be accepting this abusive behaviour from anyone else. If she has issues, then you can help her deal with those, but tell her that perhaps it would be a good idea if she didn't want to come next Christmas because it would save you getting negative comments and being upset by her putting you down.

I suggest you stop trying and start pleasing yourself and your life.

I felt so sad for you reading your post - you're trying hard and she just puts you down. It's horrible, and it must be so confusing when this is coming from your own mother. This is not what a loving mother looks like, and as others have said, from the outside it's obvious that text was designed to hurt your feelings. I hope you are able to come to terms with it and stand up for yourself - maybe therapy would help you make sense of things.