This thread concerns my relationship with my mum, which has always been incredibly important to me but has always found ways to make me feel overwhelmed and very sad.
Every Christmas, I try to recreate the traditions from my childhood in Eastern Europe, as they bring me a sense of nostalgia and connection to my roots. On Christmas Eve, my family gathers for a traditional meal: cabbage and rice dolmas, red peppers stuffed with butter beans, and soda bread containing a coin and wishes. While my children (aged 12 and 16) are picky eaters and don’t particularly enjoy the main dishes, they love the ritual of digging through their chunks of bread to find their wishes. It’s a cherished tradition for me, even if it doesn’t resonate in the same way with everyone else.
My mum is very particular about how the food tastes, so she insists on making the cabbage dolmas and red peppers herself ( apparently mine doesn't taste good) while I handle the bread. However, she always finds fault with the bread I make—it’s never quite right - too big, too small, too dark, not baked enough, too salty, not tasty enough etc. On Christmas Eve, my kids managed to sit at the table for about an hour to an hour and a half before they were ready to move on, as kids often are. My mum, on the other hand, enjoys lingering at the table with her meal and a drink, and I happily keep her company.
On Christmas Day, I invited her to arrive between 1:00 and 1:15 PM so we could open presents before sitting down to eat around 2:00 or 2:30 PM. She arrived at 12:55 PM while I was just finishing up a hectic morning of cooking and had just gotten out of the shower. Although it was only five minutes early, she expressed frustration that I wasn’t ready to greet her and complained that "everything" was cold - which it wasn't, but she always generalises. She also brought a noticeably uneven number of gifts for my children, with significantly more for my daughter than for my son. This is unusual, as she typically ensures they receive equal amounts and extra gifts are usually saved for my daughter’s birthday at the end of January.
I thought Christmas Day went relatively well, but shortly after she left, I received a long text message from her. In it, she said, “From next year, I believe you should have Christmas without me,” and explained that this would be the last time she joined us for Christmas Eve or Christmas Day lunch. She expressed that the traditions felt “stupid” since my children don’t eat the traditional Eastern European food she prepares and suggested it was time for me to create new traditions.
This text broke my heart. I can’t imagine Christmas without everyone around the table with the foods and traditions that are so meaningful to me. My children understand the importance of these customs, even if they don’t eat everything or linger at the table as long as we might wish. Her criticism of my traditions (also the traditions of her childhood) feels deeply hurtful, and her timing—sending this message on Christmas Day—felt particularly harsh. I can’t help but feel that her negative comments stem from unresolved childhood trauma and that hurting me through criticism is one of the ways she seeks temporary relief.
My mum is one of the three most important people in my life, but I feel emotionally drained. She has no close friends and often says she “hates people,” which leaves me as her primary (and sometimes sole) social connection. This dynamic places immense pressure on me to be a “good daughter,” yet it feels like I can never meet her expectations. If this was a friendship, I would have ended it long ago, but she’s my mum, and I don’t know how to navigate this situation anymore.
Yesterday we went out for a pre-New Year’s lunch, where we ended up discussing the above issues. Unfortunately, it turned into a disagreement, and we left without speaking to each other or saying goodbye. I’m heartbroken and don’t know how to move forward.
If anyone has experienced similar challenges or has advice on how to manage such a complex and painful relationship, I would deeply appreciate your thoughts. How do I maintain my own sense of well-being while staying connected to someone so integral to my life but so difficult to please?
Thank you for taking the time to read this. Your perspective would mean the world to me.