Playing Nice: to think you'd know the baby wasn't yours?

[lover99]

Just seen the trailer for Playing Nice on ITV where the premise is that the babies were switched on accident and the couples left the hospital with the wrong infant.

Am I being unreasonable to think that you would know instinctively that the baby wasn't related to either of you?

All babies look the same, just like all old people do. Unless your baby was not bald or a different race to the others I don't think you'd stand a chance.

Not as extreme but DS2 was unexpectedly rather poorly when he was born and in NICU for 3 weeks and I definitely created a defence mechanism of not allowing myself to bond properly and that took quite a while to fully resolve.

Bluntly, he was also a very weird looking baby who didn’t really look like anyone in the family. He just didn’t feel like mine.

He definitely was mine though - I have photos straight after the birth of this distinctive weird looking baby!

This was all completely different to DS1 who I was smitten with from the first time I held him and he did instinctively feel like “mine”.

I don’t think there is a single “instinctive” way to feel.

OP what makes you think one would instinctively recognise a baby as theirs, one they've probably barely seen?

They cld have given me any baby id have been none the wiser.

My first born was taken after a quick hold for antibiotics. We were in hospital nearly a week and they wld take her every day for antibiotics. I'd have known if they brought the wrong baby back at that point as I'd been looking after her, dressed her and was more familiar with what she looked like. The first day though I wouldn't have known and most ppl only stay 1 day/night now.

No, I don’t think you would. Obviously if you’d had time to see your baby and become familiar with their appearance you’d notice if it was a different baby, but if the switch happened before you’d had time to recognise them you wouldn’t just instinctively know you weren’t related.

I fostered children from the age of three. Everyone thought they were one and commented on how like my eldest son one was, and like me the other. We looked like we belonged. They were more like me personality wise than my sons, who are clones of their dad!

We see what we expect to see.

I read the book in a day - whittled away the hours on holiday!

Anyway, to answer the question I’m not sure. DD was premature and was whisked away from us not after birth as she stopped breathing. When I visited her the next day in NICU, on sight my breasts tingled.

DS looked exactly like DD at birth so there was no mistaking him.

Another one here who had a baby whisked off to NICU who I would never have recognised- except for we knew from scans he had bilateral clubfoot and there wasn’t likely to be two baby boys in the same hospital with that! The first time I held him he didn’t smell like mine at all, he could have been anyone’s’ baby to be honest.

I remember reading about a real life case where this happened, there was a big legal battle because one set of parents wanted to swap back and the other didn’t. Always stuck with me because of how devastating it must be to be the child neither parents wanted. I’ve always thought if it happened to me I’d want to keep the child I knew and cared for, whether or not they were mine by blood.

DS was 100% mine and never left my sight, but due to PND I didn't bond straight away and he just felt like a child I was babysitting until about 3 months. If we had been separated at any point I could easily have believed he had been switched, and everyone would have correctly reassured me that it was just the hormones talking.

I can imagine in cases where the has actually been a switch, any niggling feelings could easily be mistaken for similar and dismissed.

Ds2 was born under general anesthesia and I didn't see him till the next day. I had to ask who my baby was. He was born premature and he was in nicu. He looked nice but I know I wouldn't have recognised him.

My mum said this happened to her with me. In a mother and baby hospital where babies were taken from mum and put in nursery overnight. Next day she gets a different child. She said ‘that’s not my baby!’ And they swiftly apologised and brought the right one. But can see if you were out of it due to a traumatic birth you might not recognise your baby.

I agree

I get a traumatic delivery etc...you may not realise immediately but you very quickly notice features that resemble yourself/partner or older family members. You can't not tbh.

I don’t think I’d have believed my babies were mine if I’d had them under a GA!
They were both white with grey hands and feet. First had sapphire blue eyes, porcelain white skin and loads of dark hair so she was distinctive. But I would’ve expected them to have darker skin as I’m mixed race.

Well clearly not, otherwise it wouldn't happen.

Or do you think the parents did realise they'd been given the wrong baby and just thought "meh this one will do"?

This is what I'm wondering? What's your point?

Why do you think you'd instinctively know the baby isn't yours?
By what means?

My youngest was taken away immediately and taken to a different hospital.i saw his foot and that's all. When I saw him two days later I had to trust the doctors that he was mine

Almost impossible these days due to the fact babies are immediately tagged on delivery but in the past it did happen.

I was only separated from DS1 whilst I was unconscious ie 36 hours. I knew he was mine as he was enormous compared with the other babies

I was never sep from the other two

I was unconscious when dd was born.
She was 5 hours old when I met her.
I just had to trust the MW that they labelled the right baby correctly and handed me the right one. I have no reason to believe otherwise.

There is proof of this happening.

i would have recognized dd. She looked so much like dh it was shocking. There was no chance of confusing her with a different baby.

we also refused to let her be without a parent escort at all times. Not for this reason, but it did prevent any problems.

I'd a section under ga, woke after an hour and honestly they could have handed me any child and I wouldn't have known any different. Thankfully baby was taken out of theater and handed to dh who was straight outside . So there was no chance of a mix up.

By contrast DS1 was born with dark skin and crimped black hair. I was expecting bald, pink naked looking, whereas he was rather stunning. He was born at home, so no room for error. He was mildly jaundiced, his hair fell out and his skin lightened after a while, though he was always stunning. The next one was the bald squirmy pink bundle I expected.

I don't think it's instinct.

People see what they expect/want to see, so of course people see family resemblances. My DD isn't my biological daughter, and I also have several friends whose children are not biologically theirs, and it is really common that people imagine they see a family resemblance where there can't be one.

I also agree with PP that the instinct you have for your baby is something that can be affected by PND; it is also a matter of nurture/bonding rather than pure nature. I could recognise DD's cry pretty quickly; one does. Yet people will tell you that is maternal instinct. It's not; it's just that if you nurture a very newborn baby in the very intense way that is necessary to make that baby survive, you become extremely attuned to it and detect very subtle things other people won't.

I didn't meet my newborn until he was about 8hrs old as he was in NICU and I was unconscious. I was given a Polaroid until a porter snd wheelchair could be arranged. I remember reading the cot tags and looking for a big baby in the incubators as I'd been told he was nearly 9lb. I wouldn't have known he was mine at all

That IS maternal instinct, and it is because you were her mum. Not having physically grown her is irrelevant to the naming convention.