16 year old being an absolute bellend tbh

[jadeycakes666]

Me and my partner have an 18 and 16 year old together. 18 year old is absolutley solid 99% of the time and 16 year old was until recently.

Myself and partner both come from not very great families and have done the best we can (apart from teenage pregnancy with my first 🤣) to work hard and have quite a nice life.

We live in South London and we rent. We pay 1600 for large two bed flat. Both the boys have their own rooms and we have sectioned off the living room with a plasterboard wall little entrance way and have a bed one side and living room the other. We both make enough money to rent somewhere bigger I'd say but we like to also be able to do stuff at the weekends and have little trips etc without panicking we won't be paying the bills, so this option for us is fine.

18 year old has made us very proud and is going to Uni and studying Law. 16 year old is making us very proud going to college in the aims to become a physiotherapist.

My youngest however recently has become extremely entitled and after a glass of wine I've had this afternoon ive become a bit upset.

Recently we have come back in from work to the whole house smelling of weed. Partners dad went to prison and was in prison for many years of him growing up due to drug supplying offences so that was just a kick in the teeth for him (we knew he might try it but to blast it through the house was a step we never thought of) We made him get a job at a retail store to learn the value of money as he was spending ours like water and he got himself sacked by not doing as he was asked so was let go for poor performance and dad heard him telling his mate he'd done it on purpose. Tonight he has asked us to leave the house on new years eve so his mates can come over and said well you guys have the money to stay in a hotel or something? I was gobsmacked.

We are taking them to Japan at the end of Jan as a Christmas present as they both wanted to go and I feel like where we come from abusive households we have now made him entitled trying to not give him the same life.

Even as stupid as last night my husband went to get some cakes he had bought and our son had had all 6 in one go and hadn't left any for the rest of us. That's not how we thought we had bought him up.

He isn't rude to us or attitudey but his actions are very upsetting. I know it sounds ridiculous and it's probably a teenage thing but I really feel like we have failed him somehow having given him this attitude.

I am all for constructive critism here.

He does sound like he’s being an arse! Pushing the boundaries? What consequences is he experiencing as a result of any of these pieces of disrespectful and inconsiderate behaviour?

What an entitled brat. He ate all the cakes as he's got munchies. Imagine demanding your parents leave their own home.

How was he spending your money like water?

It sounds like he's never had any boundaries OP and he thinks he's king of the world.

So obviously he wasn't working and when out with friends etc we would give him spending money. We thought we were quite good with boundaries and he has consequences but obviously not. He didn't do something dad asked and lost his TV for a week and literally didn't care. He's only been like this the last few months.

He's had stuff taken away and just doesn't care!

I didn't mean obviously sarcastically there BTW just like why we were giving it him

Sweetie, we love you very much, and your behaviour at the moment is worrying us. Obviously we aren't going to get a hotel so you can party with your mates. It’s not on to eat everyone else’s cakes as well as yours. Obviously you shouldn’t be smoking weed and especially not here, have forgotten what a work ethic looks like.

What do we need to do to help you remember how to pull your weight and carry on growing into a responsible adult?

The consequence of losing his job is having no money. None. Not from you.
The consequence of smoking dope is not being allowed friends over when adults are out, and especially not for a party.
The consequence of the cakes is that next time a treat is bought, he isn’t included.

We have done that chat as partner and I both had absolutely s* parents. Husbands mum is a drug addict and he used to eat dog food out of a tin sometimes when he was that hungry as it was all that was in the house. I know that's our issue not the kids but they know all the stories and know how much we have pulled our fingers out of our arses and are here for ANYTHING they need

I meant how was he getting hold of your money but you already answered, you were buying him anything he wanted.

Someone in the house needs to start saying no to Little Lord Fauntleroy. No you can't have the house on NYE, no you can't smoke weed in the house and no, you can't have a gold plated skateboard.

Stop giving him cash and tell him to shape up.

Yes we were. You are correct. Thank you

Time for some tough love I think.,…

Ground him as a punishment.

If he wants to be a physio why not help him find a more relative job. Working in an old persons home or something sport related.

You tell him he will never be having mates over unsupervised until he has proven himself trustworthy, which unfortunately he is not right now. You also spell out to him that because he lost his last job that money from you is going to be in very short supply. Oh and because he’s buying weed you need him to account for every penny he’s spending. Oh and also point out that weed smokers don’t tend to cope with the demands of a healthcare profession. If he wants to be a physio there’s no place for drugs in his life.

Smoking weed in the home and not caring about it.
Telling his parents they can afford a hotel and basically to piss off for the night.

You need to come down on him like a ton of bricks.

He's got absolutely no respect for you or his dad.

The reality is that for any healthcare course he will be dbs checked. So if he gets caught with weed he’s in trouble ……

Has he recently got a new set of friends? If mine had told me to leave the house on NYE I’d have laughed at them!

In your place his phone would be gone, every gadget he owns, WiFi off and no privileges or money. He would not be going anywhere this NY.
You let this go you will be in real trouble in 6 months time

No money until he gets another job.

No bringing mates over until he can be trusted.

No cakes or treats until he learns to consider other people in the house.

You need to put those boundaries in. Actions not words. It’s difficult because we want to give them everything we never had but equally if that’s all they know then they will start to become entitled and take it for granted which seems to be the case here.

I don’t think he’s been that bad & is obviously pushing boundaries. You are absolutely in your right to punish him. It’s very hard to get him to appreciate his childhood vs yours though because he hasn’t lived it.

Oh and also point out that weed smokers don’t tend to cope with the demands of a healthcare profession.

Plenty in healthcare professions have addictions…

You need to get him off the weed ASAP. Easier said than done I know. Our older DS developed a bad weed habit. He turned into a selfish,self centred liar. He would ask for money to go and do things with his mates. All lies! The money was to buy weed or pay weed debts. Quite frankly it turned him into a monster! He’s quit now and is back to his kind, polite lovely self .

If he's only been like this for a few months - what are his mates like ? could he have fallen in with a bad crowd and is acting up out of peer pressure?

Presumably if he's changed over the last few months it's new college friends he's made who have influenced him? Can he switch colleges or is it too late because they're local friends?

I think yabvu

All teens are dicks. I wouldn't compare him to the oldest, that's wrong, they're individual people, and you'll push him away doing that

Smoking weed is normal - i don't think he thought about your partners dad when he was laughing with his mates and being a normal teen

Yes, he should get another job. I imagine your oldest has managed to hold down his for the past two years, so yanbu to expect the same there

I think that your past experiences shouldn't affect how you parent to this extent. Don't punish him because of how you were forced to grow up, op, as this is how it comes across.

Him asking you to stay at a hotel for new years is typical teenage larking about 😄, i would've asked my parents the same, joking and being cheeky. And they fucking didn't like me so would've decided to tell everyone I was selfish

Best of luck.

It’s not normal round here. The kids that do don’t get anywhere. The kids that don’t are doing ok.