To ask if you have stopped buying gifts for family and how you broached it with them?

[Theuniversalshere1]

I always have bought presents for family.

Usually same, but since my mum died have had nothing from family at all.

My birthday and Christmas. I didn't get a thank you for gifts, no one wanted to see me apart from my brother and he just gives money and puts no thought into gifts.

Jow can I broach it, that I am hard up and can't afford gifts anymore so won't be buying gifts moving forwards for neices (over 18) or anyones birthdays and Christmases, so please don't get me anything.

I spent over 250 quid on neices, sister n brother.

Not a thank you from sister or neices.

Didn't want to see me, ignored messages asking to meet up.

Had no arguments or anything but my sister is in a bad relationship where I imagine it might not be atmosphere she wants to invite me around for.

She used to confide in me before my mum died but since she died, his side of the family kind of top trumps ours, so the balance is put of whack.

I don't like my sisters bfs side of the family as we are very different and they minimise abuse. A lot of the men are abusive and because I have fought sisters side when things have been bad, its caused tension.

It's hard since my mum and dad died but I can't keep doing it as I get nothing back, not even wanting to see me.

It's probably why, if they get me nothing and I spending so much.

I know I need to stop but feel I need to say something.

Just like... hi, its been a tough year financially so I won't be able to send money or gifts for birthdays and Christmas anymore. Please don't spend or buy anything for me as I'm quite happy just having experiences, I'd rather meet for a meal or coffee.

Would something like that do?

You sound desperate for their attention sorry. I do feel for you but you really don't need to make any announcement, just stop buying them gifts

Yeahh I get that... it just seems harsh, but the harsh reality is they don't really care do they?

Just hard to realise you don't really have a family anymore.

I don’t think this is a fair response. To me, it seems as though OP is being honest in that she’s putting significant money/time/thought into sorting gifts that isn’t reciprocated, which must be irritating at best.

OP, I think your message sounds fine. I’d probably leave out the bit about experiences but include something suggesting meeting up for coffee/a drink if you wanted to reach out to them.

Sorry for your loss. It’s been weird since my mum died too. I have a ribeye family and I just said I’m don’t doing presents this year etc and we let it go… which is a bit joyless but it’s also worth it right now for me. In your case, is everyone trying to tell you they don’t want to do presents by not participating? Yes they should just say they don’t want to presents. I don’t think you need to say anything at all. Just stop. No one is going to ask you why you didn’t buy them a gift when they’ve not bought you a gift, it sounds like they all want to stop the gift giving tbh. Again, I’m so sorry for your loss, these are the things that spring up after loss that we don’t even think about prior and it’s really hard. Just stop without saying anything about it would be my advice. X

If that was how they behaved that they also never got you anything or acknowledged your gifts or make effort to see you, I wouldn’t be bothering to announce it - just stop buying presents and send a birthday/Xmas text

I'm sorry you feel unappreciated, and I think it's fine to just stop buying for them - no explanation needed.

I'd probably try not to think of it as your sister being uncaring - it sounds like she's trapped in an abusive relationship, and may not have the bandwidth - or the access to money - to buy gifts. For that reason I would try to keep the communication channels open, especially as it sounds like she doesn't have many other people she can talk to. But forget the gifts, they're not really important in the grand scheme of things.

This. They didn’t discuss it with you—they simply stopped. You are allowed to “match their energy” without consulting them first.

Thanks all, I think it is the best approach.

I think the silence is speaking volumes really isn't it!

It is weird, losing two parents and the dynamics.

Yes it is hard, my mum always advocated for her too... but brother doesn't really know what we knew.

I will keep communication open but like you said not announce but stop and just see what happens.

Have a word with yourself

I stopped buying presents and just told them

If you have a group chat, just write a message to everyone there. I've added a bit to your message:

I hope everyone had a good Christmas and enjoyed the break. Thanks for our cards and gifts. I wanted to let you know that it's been a tough year financially so I won't be able to send money or gifts for birthdays and Christmas anymore. Please don't buy anything for me, but I would really like to meet up for a meal or coffee instead. Best wishes for 2025.

I would also do this.

I like the idea of this definitely, in January...!

So wanting to see your sister has become 'desperate for attention '? Strange way to view family relationships.

OP, I'd send my best wishes but drop sending gifts. With your sister, I'd try my best to help her as best I could. Do you have any mutual friends?

I wouldn't make any announcement just stop giving the gifts. If you want to do it more gradually drop down to just sending a card for birthdays and buy a tin of sweets or a board game as a gift for the whole family and then stop altogether the year after.

I know her friends but only to have small talk with. Not really to chat deeply about something like this.

Thanks all... I do feel maybe just cards this year in 2025... then reassess might be best thing moving forwards.

Appreciate iate thd feedback and different views, its a great site for helping sort out emotions and taking steps forwards with caution and not causing a drama or fuss.

Can you tell I hate any type of conflict!

This. Basically there is just no need to buy gifts if people aren’t buying you them. You can use the money to buy something nice for yourself instead. Christmas presents are like Valentines so although these high days and holidays can show up cracks, it’s more about the quality of the relationship all year round.

I am always trying to get out of buying family presents (apart from kids). During the pandemic we gave donations to charity instead. This year I just said how about a no present pact? (Cuts out hassle on both sides). Another option is a Secret Santa thing where you just buy one gift (and hopefully get one back, though there was another thread where the lady hadn’t got hers. Oh Christmas. Over for another year!).

I personally just stopped buying them. I was fed up with buying for kids I never see nor even get a thank you from. I may be old but I religiously made my kids write thank you cards. I don't even want that....send a 1 sentence on messenger, WhatsApp whatever. But I wasn't even getting that.

I think it's harder if people buy for you and you buy for them, I grant you...I never wanted to be the one who received a present but had "nothing to give back". Luckily it was fairly easy, we started with birthdays....we used to give my siblings and my husbands siblings a tenner in a birthday card. Just for them to give us a tenner back in our birthday cards. Seemed a bit ridiculous to me at our age. Everyone just keep their tenner and then spend your own money on your birthday! I kinda made my husband tell his siblings once all the birthdays were done. I think they were a bit taken aback on first impressions, whilst mine were like great 👍!

Christmas presents I can't remember really....I just know now it's soo much easier. My PIL passed away suddenly within 6 months of each other in 2018 and I know that's the reason I stopped sending christmas cards....I'd wanted to stop for a while but back then I wondered how you ever stopped....then my fil passed away quite suddenly in late September and christmas cards were the last thing on my mind in November and dec. After that I never went back to sending them, I'd felt I'd made the break and that was that. Noone had died, the world hadn't stopped. I imagine presents went the same way...it probably made it easier that we didn't get together so much at Christmas after my ILs passed away, it just kinda drifted off.

I think if you want to make it "clear " then send a general WhatsApp maybe. Very casual "hiya! Hope you've had a great christmas and looking forward to the new year 😀 🎉. As we all know christmas seems to get bigger and more expensive every year, so moving forward, I've decided it's just not possible to keep buying all the presents. I'm sure you all understand. Lots of love ❤️ ". But personally I'd just stop buying and let it fall off.

In which case, just keep the channels of communications open as best you can (and don't take offence if it's hard to get anything back). Hopefully at some point she will ask for your support x

Yeah definitely... i will.

My eldest is 8 and last year I stopped buying birthday and Christmas presents for my sister's children (who are adults) as I have never received anything from her/them for my girls, not even a card.

And no thank you for their gifts either.

I didn't tell her though, I just stopped buying them. I was ready with a response if questioned, something like "oh I presumed we weren't doing gifts anymore as I my girls haven't had any" (sarcastic I know, but that was my feelings at the time!).

To note: she/they have not mentioned it ....

I don't think you need to mention your finances in any communication.

Either don't say anything or you could say you want to reduce clutter/focus on environment issues of waste/ prioritise seeing people or experiences etc.

We have stopped gifting cousins etc in recent years and have not started with the next generation. We have tried doing meals together/coffee mornings but even those don't work out sometimes.

Prioritise your time and love where it is appreciated.

I spent years gently suggesting we don’t do adult presents any more for extended family or their kids. It was expensive but mostly it was a ton of work and we were giving and receiving things they weren’t really wanted as we don’t really know these people, despite being close blood relatives. Perhaps lack of thanks yous is their way of asking you to stop. Just stop doing it. Likely they will be as relieved as you. If you want to build relationships with any of them arrange to meet and talk and connect. No gifts needed.