I regret hosting on NYE.

[Surrendertoitall]

Typically, I love entertaining. I love cooking and I'm good at it. I often have friends over to eat. But whenever it's an occasion, and I have people over, I feel really overwhelmed with stress. I had a thing a couple of years ago to celebrate something and had about 25 people around. My stress went through the roof.

I'm hosting NYE. About 18 people including kids. I can't do it by halves, I have to do great food and make sure it's lovely for people. Initially, I went back and forth about doing it - the tousle between loving being hospitable but finding it incredibly stressful too, not just in terms of grub and stuff, but how everyone will get on, will they enjoy themselves, will it be a damp squib etc - but my DH encouraged me. To be fair, he's very helpful on a practical level and does get involved.

Anyway, I was managing the stress but a family has already cancelled (for good reason) and now I just feel ugh.

I guess I'm posting to see if others have this contradiction and how I can embrace it without all this bullshit pressure I put on myself.

I feel this very deeply OP. I love hosting and I’m good at it but I put so much pressure on myself to make everything impressive and perfect, and it can cause me a lot of stress. In my logical mind I know I would enjoy it more if I could be laid back about it but I find that very hard to do. It’s like once I’ve had a vision in my head of how something could be, then scaling it back feels like I’m letting myself and others down - even if nobody else ever knew the original vision!

I think for me it’s associated with my ADHD and the perfectionism / black and white thinking that comes with that but I also think a lot of women feel this pressure to be outstanding, self-sacrificial hosts and it’s hard to get out of your own way about it.

I feel the same. I’m hosting friends for lunch today, it should be relaxed and enjoyable as we’ve all known each other for years… but here I am feeling anxious! I’ll probably be fine once they get here but I hate waiting for anyone to arrive…

Thanks, both. Good to know it's not just me!

I do think it's about being attached to an outcome/that 'picture' in my head. Not that I have a specific one, but just this fanciful idea of it being fabulous and fun and everyone loves me for it! I think the judgement of it not being great feels stressful, and the idea (subconsciously) that I will be badly thought of or loved less for it. If that makes sense.

And i know, on every level, this won't be the case and even the worse case scenario is fine.

I feel your pain! Last week I hosted a pre Christmas dinner with all the trimmings for a big group of friends. Despite working flat out at preparation the day before, getting up early on the day and working through a long and well organised to do list, I simply didn't have time to do every single thing I had planned. There was just too much! I ended up having to pull the pigs in blankets from the main course and serve them as canapes instead of the smoked salmon blinis I had planned to make. But I'm sure not a single person knew or cared about the substitution - just me! And it all went absolutely fine. On New Year's Day I'm hosting family members for a 'simple' buffet lunch and am stressing about it, despite having bought everything already and laid out the crockery in advance. It will also be fine, but I will have aged a few years by the 2nd. I guess it's just your personality and you'll have to live with it. I have cut back quite a bit on entertaining the last few years because of the stress. As I get older, I can do without it, but I agree it's a lovely thing to do if you can cope with the stress.

I'm the same but I find it draining

It's definitely very stressful being the host. Is it possible to buy in meals from Cook or a similar shop? Will any restaurants deliver?

The best dos I’ve been to haven’t been perfect and the hosts have been relaxed.

You still have time to delegate some of the food to your guests.

This was me but then the people picked up on it and started telling me they were fine and they would tell me if they needed anything and it was stressing them out that I seemed stressed and that was literally the only problem.

I realised most people are so relieved at not having to think about it themselves or are happy to see other people it's already a win.

I also simplified what I was doing in terms of the offering. We bought some heated serving dishes and now we do homemade pulled pork, pulled chicken, mixed bean chilli and they serve themselves into their choice of bao bun, carvery roll, or wrap (or all the above if they like). We also do very simple sides like nachos and stir fried veg, and add dips and little bits so it looks more buffet style. So much easier.

Can totally relate to this. Have organised and hosted all my life and love it but used to put too much pressure on myself.

One day this all changed I’d put together a nice bbq for close family and friends but my best friend has recently announced some tragic news. Lots of people knew he was at mine and everyone turned up to see him.

I had to improvise and make all the food feed everyone with what ever I had in.

Feedback was best food ever!! I then realised that all of the pressure was of my own doing. I still host but don’t over stress myself and now enjoy it even more.

Hope NYE goes well 👍

My friend was an amazing hostess. She was also a bag of nerves coming up to an event. To me it sounds like a nightmare. I never have parties.

I'm the same - I like to host, have a great home for crowds, enjoy cooking and i'm good at it but i put too much pressure on myself for everything to be perfect and worrying about whether everyone will get along which makes me stresssd. unfortunately i like everything don right or not at all so I kind of have to live with it and prep in advance

Thanks all. I appreciate all of this.

If you get in a state about hosting then you don't really enjoy it as much as you think you do. You really only enjoy the picture perfect idea. Like people who say they would love to run a small holding, but don't want to get up at 6am on freezing mornings to clean out the pigs! Forget romanticed/social media perfection. People rarely notice anyway. They just want some half decent grub and plenty of booze.

This is prob very true. I need to decide if I like the outcome more than the reality.

Same here! I love baking, cooking, decorating, hosting… but end up trying to do too much and exhaust myself, get stressed and don’t have fun.

I have finally learnt the hard way and now prioritise doing the bits I enjoy most, cutting down on the work needed, relying on preprepared dishes (either homemade or shop bought).

NYE is easier because the house is already decorated for Christmas! I usually buy flowers several days in advance so they are at the best on the day and I can enjoy arranging them as there is no rush. I try to serve food that can be made in advance, needs no attention after guests have arrived and keeps warm well (eg bouef bourgignon, coq au vin, gratin dauphinois for dinner parties). For NYE, I have a lot of things that I made for Christmas and froze eg sausage rolls, brie and cranberry wreath, quiche cases, vol au vents, mince pies, Parmesan and rosemary shortbread, Christmas cookies, boureki etc I’m pottering today and baking the frozen cookies etc and defrosting the things that need to be bunged in the oven tomorrow and served hot. I’ve made some mini burnt Basque cheesecakes from scratch. Serving plates are in the dishwasher, champagne is chilling.

Tomorrow, I’ll add in some shop bought stuff eg cheese board, charcuterie, and dips, crisps, antipasti, some Picard mini patisserie and macarons, and sort some crudités and a fruit platter. I try not to do much more than chucking stuff in the oven, plating up, chopping and assembling on the day (quiches, vol au vents, devilled quail eggs, figs and feta wrapped in prosciutto) and allow double the time I think I need 😂 Then I can enjoy working on the presentation (the food and me after a long relaxing bath 😂). I have defegated making cocktails.

Making stuff in advance makes it so much less stressful and the preparation is fun if you are only doing one thing at a time.

If its any consolation, I was expecting a small number of people tomorrow so planned the menu using stuff I'd over bought for our Christmas Eve party but ordered Champagne etc to be delivered in the morning. Found out about two hours ago that a couple have found a last minute hotel deal (found out when they called to see if we wanted to join them) and the others had been to the pub, had a few drinks and booked a restaurant to 'save me the hassle'. So, yes, I don't have the hassle but we also can't stand the restaurant so won't be going and I can't change tomorrow's order. Not impressed!

I don’t enjoy hosting, even when I cut corners and try hard to keep it simple. I host because it’s unfair not to reciprocate friends’ hospitality & it’s necessary for close family who DH or I love & want to have visit.

DH doesn’t do a fair share of the planning, preparation or cooking, which is a major factor. he does share the hosting and does the clean up - I’d rather do that!

Another factor is that we have boozy friends who enjoy loud, late nights, which for me don’t work with full time work and young DC.

@Miepmiep that all sounds lovely for the guests, but hard work!

This.

When the hosts are relaxed and enjoying it, it makes it more enjoyable for me than having everything perfect (and stress and uptightness)

It doesn’t sound like you actually enjoy hosting. A stressed host isn’t very fun in my experience.

I think the music and any activities such as games are more important than the food.

I had a party at home for my 50th and it’s the shot roulette (£20 from Amazon) my friends talk about and not the lovely spread I had.

Hosting is stressful! I love being hospitable but usually also get grumpy and stressed out while preparing.
here’s a few things which help me:

number one! Don’t aim for perfection. You say you can’t do things by halves, well, only you know the standard you had in your mind. Most the time, people are just grateful that you host at all. So much less than what you think is necessary will do.
So lower your standards a bit to feel less stressed out. Do more prepared stuff, go for easier options, don’t think the house has to be spotlessly clean. Like the saying goes, no one ever said “I had the best time at Jen’s her kitchen sideboards were so clean!”

focus on a few things with “wow” factor. If you have one stand-out dish, a special drink, or game or even table decoration, people will notice that and forget about smaller things.

schedule some relaxation time before hosting. A spa trip, a nice walk, a run, a nice coffee out, just a long shower and a diy face mask, whatever makes you feel relaxed and energized.

get help! Get guest to bring a dish or cup in other ways.

Good luck and well done for hosting at NYE, I’m sure everyone’s invited feel grateful and happy! Remember, they’re you’re friends, no one is there to judge you.

I’m like this. I always have a row with my husband in the half an hour before everyone arrives because I’m so stressed about it. I enjoy the party then I lie awake afterwards over analysing every little thing.

I could have written this tonight!!! Flying round the house, trying to tidy, keep own DC entertained whilst getting jobs done, prep food for tomorrow at great expense, hiding the “too good to share” alcohol, and ensuring that anything breakable or valuable is out of reach of feral visiting children. For what? There are never any reciprocal invites. Because someone has to do it OP and that person is you, and me! Not everyone can do it, so it falls to those of us who can. Everyone always appreciates and enjoys it, even if we think it was a “damp squid.” We are the glue that holds our friendship groups together. God bless us 🫡

This a million times over^^

Great advice!

I second a visit to Picard for things like mini gougère and pastry cases etc