I hate my life.

[DorianMeile]

I have one DC. 6yo with SEN. I've been single since he was born as it's impossible to date when you have a SEN child who sees his dad 2 days a month. Family used to help a lot but don't want to have him anymore because he's such hard work. Left his dad due to domestic abuse. He bought me out of the house and I have no money left. Living in rented, earn 30k a year and constantly trying to improve my wage but getting nowhere as I need flexible hours. Can't get a lifetime isa to save for a house because I've owned one before though was forced to leave. Basically I'm single, lonely, sad, skint, exhausted and I don't see the point in my life because I am just miserable. I exist to keep my son alive. Don't want to do this anymore.

What is your son’s SEN? Are there any support groups either locally or nationally, for other parents ?

Autism, ADHD and he has severe allergies. There are support groups for the former two but they are in work hours and I work full time. Outside of work I have my son. I have tried so hard and attended one a few weeks ago but just don't have enough annual leave to go regularly.

This does sound like a tough time for you op. Have you looked into local babysitters to give you a break? How tricky or your dcs SEN needs? Would he go to bed and stay in bed for a babysitter? What sort of friendship circle do you have?

That sounds tough 💐Have you joined any support groups? If he's Autistic, there may be support groups nearby or online where you can learn strategies for coping. How about respite? Is anything available?

You could try Money Savings Expert for help on saving money. Things like changing utility providers can make a big difference.

Go to the GP for a checkup as you could be rundown. Take a good multivitamin and Vitamin D.

Have you had any counselling for the domestic abuse? You could try your local domestic abuse organisation to see what's available.

Meetup.com will have things going on in your area so you can meet new people.

ETA If you're in debt try the National Debtline. They can advise and perhaps help reduce your repayments.

I have friends but none who can manage him. He is sweet and kind but needs everything a particular way and strict routine. Deviations lead to meltdowns. School are amazing and I can manage them but friends cannot cope. Even my family have pulled away from having him. It's sad, and I don't ask anymore because it hurts. I can't afford a babysitter I am over £1000 into my overdraft from when the clutch went on my car. It's all just fucking hopeless.

Are u entitled to buy in any respite, either for your son to.go somewhere ir for a carer to come to your house so that you can have some 'me' time?

There are lots of online forums, that are full if helpful people to talk to, the SN boards here help. Do you get any benefits for your son, such as PIP?

We aren't because he's not deemed severe enough.

I feel for you. Im a single parent to a SEN son who's now 12.5. I had to leave due to my ex being alcoholic, 4 years ago. I have had hopeless times, little support, couldn't use normal childcare due to son's behaviour, babysitters wouldn't come back. It did start to get easier around 9-10 years old, slowly my son started to be able to stay for a night with my parents and was able to tolerate babysitters. Now I have no issue with finding childcare for an evening, I am able to go out, I can sometimes even get away for a couple of nights.

I found a job working 90% from home which has been a life saver, I couldn't have worked otherwise. I managed to get a mortgage and now have my own house, I do live in a cheaper part of the UK though.

I even have had a part time relationship for the last couple of years, it has been hellish balancing even a few nights a month with partner with my childcare, but somehow it has been managed. My son is 13 in April and it feels that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. He will be an adult in five years, I can do it.

You never know what is around the corner, I just focussed on one thing at a time and surviving each day.

I hope things get easier for you.

Do you know other SEN parents? It really helped me going for days out and activities with parents who wouldn't judge and who struggled with the same issues as me.

I've applied for DLA. We are on week 4 of waiting. Think it is a 25 week wait at the moment.

Are you making sure you're claiming UC? And any other financial support you're entitled to? Even on £30k could be eligible for £100 or so a month.

Yes I get about £140 a month which is really helpful.

You poor thing. I have no idea what to suggest. You seem to be working very hard. I really hope things improve.

You might have tried this already as you said you have been turned down for help. However put a request into the children with disabilities team of social services. It is their job to help parents like yourself that through no fault of their own are finding life tough. Push for direct payments to pay for an enabler to give you a break. Might also be worth talking to the school about an early help referral.

OP do you have any flexibility to compress your hours at all so that you could carve out a little bit of “me” time in the week?

It sounds utterly exhausting. I understand your family can’t manage him and changes to routine are difficult but is there a way a family member could just come and stay for a weekend once or twice a month? Just having adult, friendly company would be so good for you. Build it up slowly so dc gets used to family time again. You can sleep on the sofa and let family member use your room if there’s a shortage of space.

It's nice reading this. Gives me some hope. I do know a few, I could be more proactive for sure. Just exhausted. He doesn't sleep. Which means I don't. I have aged 10 years overnight. I am a mess. I don't exercise. I barely eat. I never go out. I'm just sortof existing

@DorianMeile this sounds really hard. I'm a single parent, I have 3 and they don't have SEND but feel incredibly demanding. I don't do anything for myself and I just get further in debt trying to keep my head above water. I feel how you feel all the time. It's so hard.

Two things which may help: I went to my GP- they got me NHS Talking Therapies and it was a literal lifesaver. Only 8 weeks but it really helps and they direct you to other resources too.
Secondly (and I know how shit this sounds... but..) aim low. Aim really really low 🤣 All my school friends/ colleagues etc live these completely different lives- going out to London with husbands for birthdays/ taking all their kids to a restaurant at Xmas/ extending their (already lovely!) homes blah blah. I cannot compare with them or it drags me down. But, I can afford pizzas from the supermarket for Friday movie nights. I cook (terrible!) cupcakes with the kids which they love doing. I can sit on a sofa and watch yet another kids movie. So I do those things and that's it. Start small and find enjoyment in those tiny things first. I think gradually that is building up for me. I've tidied the front room and we snuggle in and watch something and I feel an ok parent and I enjoy it.

I work 8-3 so I can do the school run then two evenings a week to bring it up to full time. It's the only way really.

Thank you for telling me this. Nobody ever tells me how hard I work. This has just made me burst into tears. It's really validating if not sad.

No help from grandparents at all? I wpuld help my DD in this situation.

Ah I see that makes sense. So sorry you are going through this it sounds utterly exhausting and soul destroying. Do you have a family member who would come and stay with you (not babysit but keep you company) for a night or two? You could stay deal with DS and keep routine but also have some adult company and conversation. Feeling isolated is so difficult in situations like this ♥️

I know what a fight it is to get support and respite. It sounds like you really need some respite care to give you a break and some financial support to take some of the strain. Who has assessed and said he isn't eligible for respite? Have you searched for local support groups in your area? You can often gain lots of helpful advice from parents who've been through it, who might know of different ways to access support.

They both work ft demanding jobs. And make it clear they can't cope with him. Or don't want to.

Has anything happened that has upset you today OP? Or just the build up and exhaustion. Perhaps Christmas and routines being different has impacted the situation.

Is life any easier when your child goes to school and you go to work, if so, its a few more days.

It must be miserable and no one could blame you for feeling like you do. Have you seen the GP, it may be worth it to see if there is any help or services you could access.

Could you speak to family or a friend and explain how low you feel, would they help you? Even for a couple of hours.

You are doing the absolute best you can, in very difficult circumstances by the sound of things.