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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I overreacting by getting a bit upset over this

55 replies

Motherof1and2dogs · 30/12/2024 09:10

Just been laying in bed with my husband and our 2 year old. I am coming up to 12 weeks of my pregnancy and have had the worst time ever, vomiting almost daily, nausea 24/7 and extreme exhaustion. I asked him to do our son's morning routine this morning as I am feeling very sick, plus I have work today and he doesn't. Our son started winging a little bit and I said "he is hungry and needs breakfast" my husbands first response was "go on then" expecting me to get up and do it because he has gardening to do today, bear in mind he was also on his phone at this point watching unnecessary videos.
It made me feel really upset that he cannot see how some days this pregnancy can really affect me and I sometimes feel that I shouldn't even have to ask him to do our sons breakfast while I lay in bed with my sick bowl hanging on for dear life growing our baby. Just makes it worse also that I have work later and he is off work until after the new year.
But I said to him "can you not do it today please, I feel really rough" which he replied "I've got stuff to do, I need to build up the courage to get up and go out in the garden"... I just feel he is being very selfish.

It turned into a bit of an argument but he eventually got up to make his breakfast.
The hormones probably aren't helping but I just feel like he totally went the wrong way about it and now I feel so upset about the whole situation and now I feel like I can't ask him for help because I will just get shouted at again.

Should I just forget this happened or tell him how it made me feel? I am not sure if I am just being hormonal or if he was a little bit out of order :(

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 30/12/2024 09:13

He's a twat. Tell him he needs to step up and help with his 2 year old (which he should be doing whether or not you are pregnant but even more so when you may be suffering morning sickness or effects of early pregnancy).

Catza · 30/12/2024 09:20

and now I feel like I can't ask him for help because I will just get shouted at again

And that was probably his plan all along. OP, the best thing you can do here is to actually let him parent his child. Don't ask, don't remind, just leave him with the responsibility for your child. Go somewhere, come up with a "very important job to do" just like he is doing. Don't create a rod for your own back by being a default parent.

Original poster
Motherof1and2dogs · 30/12/2024 09:21

@Spirallingdownwards thank you for this. I have been doing a lot less than I usually would and I do feel very lazy but this pregnancy has been hell! He has been helping loads recently and so he should really but to ask for help and get the reaction I did from him just makes me feel so sh*t and then I just feel like I can never ask him for help again. I do wonder if he thinks I'm putting it on or if he is just so fed up of taking on what I would usually do

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 30/12/2024 09:23

Motherof1and2dogs · 30/12/2024 09:21

@Spirallingdownwards thank you for this. I have been doing a lot less than I usually would and I do feel very lazy but this pregnancy has been hell! He has been helping loads recently and so he should really but to ask for help and get the reaction I did from him just makes me feel so sh*t and then I just feel like I can never ask him for help again. I do wonder if he thinks I'm putting it on or if he is just so fed up of taking on what I would usually do

Stop excusing his behaviour. He hadn’t been “helping you loads recently” he has been being a father and looking after his own child.

why do so many women see men who parent their own child as doing them a favour or helping them out.

raise your bar.

EATmum · 30/12/2024 09:24

There's a lot in your posts about asking him for help. Why was it your job in the first place? Your child has two parents, and both of you are there to look after him. He needs a hard reset of how this works (and, gently, you do too) - you're literally vomiting and he thinks he has the right to take a pass? Not OK.

He's not there to help you. He's there to parent.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/12/2024 09:27

He’s being a lazy arsehole. Time to crack this now before you have sole responsibility for two children.

Original poster
Motherof1and2dogs · 30/12/2024 09:29

@DaisyChain505 I totally agree with you, i would love nothing more than for my husband to just get up and takeover without me having to ask or direct him on what to do but it has always been this way unfortunately. I work from home so I do a lot of the childcare and chores myself so I think he has just become very complacent. Not sure if that is my fault or not :(

OP posts:
romdowa · 30/12/2024 09:29

He's an arsehole , I'm nearly 14 weeks and was so sick and my husband almost took over full care when he was here so I could rest.

Inndiaanna · 30/12/2024 09:31

It’s not you it’s him. Don’t put up with this @Motherof1and2dogs , otherwise you face a lifetime of this selfish idiot always putting himself first.

Parenting your child is half his responsibility anyway, whether you are 100% or not. Whilst you are struggling, carrying his child, he shouldn’t even need to be asked to do more.

Set out exactly what he should be doing. Don’t take any prisoners. This needs sorting, not just for now but for the rest of your lives together.

Inndiaanna · 30/12/2024 09:32

Motherof1and2dogs · 30/12/2024 09:29

@DaisyChain505 I totally agree with you, i would love nothing more than for my husband to just get up and takeover without me having to ask or direct him on what to do but it has always been this way unfortunately. I work from home so I do a lot of the childcare and chores myself so I think he has just become very complacent. Not sure if that is my fault or not :(

Don’t blame yourself for his laziness.

DaisyChain505 · 30/12/2024 09:35

Motherof1and2dogs · 30/12/2024 09:29

@DaisyChain505 I totally agree with you, i would love nothing more than for my husband to just get up and takeover without me having to ask or direct him on what to do but it has always been this way unfortunately. I work from home so I do a lot of the childcare and chores myself so I think he has just become very complacent. Not sure if that is my fault or not :(

Stop tiptoeing around the issue and being afraid to upset him and be direct with him.

tell him you don’t feel he does enough for the children you jointly made together and that you need him to step up and be more involved without you having to beg and plead.

tell him changes need to be made.

KrisAkabusi · 30/12/2024 09:37

Our son started winging a little bit and I said "he is hungry and needs breakfast"

I hate when my husband does this. If you want me to do something, then say that! Don't just make passive aggressive statements.

The rest of your post is your husband being a dick though.

AdviceAdvice123 · 30/12/2024 09:42

Today you are working, he is not. Therefore the child should be his responsibility. What’s going to happen while you’re working, will you be working from home and watching toddler while he is in the garden?

Honestly you don’t even need to bring your pregnancy in to it for him to be unreasonable.

He’s going to continue to be like this when your child is born. So you need to stop putting up with it now. Put proper boundaries and expectations in place now. Essentially parent him. Which is shit, of course it is, of course you shouldn’t have to do anything like this and he should just be a decent husband and father. But he’s not, so your choices are: make him do something about it, leave, continue like this forever.

DustyLee123 · 30/12/2024 09:44

Yep, he’s a lazy twat.

JMSA · 30/12/2024 09:44

I am absolutely raging on your behalf Flowers
Where is the fucking kindness?! x

DowntonCrabbie · 30/12/2024 09:45

KrisAkabusi · 30/12/2024 09:37

Our son started winging a little bit and I said "he is hungry and needs breakfast"

I hate when my husband does this. If you want me to do something, then say that! Don't just make passive aggressive statements.

The rest of your post is your husband being a dick though.

It's not passive aggressive its a statement of fact, and if you need your husband to ask you nicely to get your kids breakfast you're a huge tool.

Suzuki76 · 30/12/2024 09:47

The garden is "child avoidance work". It's December. You might have to have the rows to make him realise you know this.

Shinyandnew1 · 30/12/2024 09:47

You really need to nip this in the bud before you have two children he’s trying to avoid looking after.

When you are WFH today/generally, is he looking after your toddler?

Original poster
Motherof1and2dogs · 30/12/2024 09:50

@KrisAkabusi I have been asking him for the last 2 years unfortunately to get up and do his bottle, change his nappy etc. It's more the fact I have to ask him which upsets me so I feel like I need to hint sometimes if I need the help.

OP posts:
Pussycat22 · 30/12/2024 09:50

You're going to have 3 children to look after. Aren't fellas wonderful.x

Original poster
Motherof1and2dogs · 30/12/2024 09:52

@Shinyandnew1 I work from home full time - I look after my toddler at the same time also with the help of my mum but luckily he starts nursery in January for 2 days a week which then increases to 3 days once he settles and so on. It's always been me doing the childcare so husband can get up and go to work. I don't mind this of course, but when he is off work he should takeover or do his duties without me asking.

OP posts:
Agix · 30/12/2024 09:53

You're not being hormonal, and it's not your fault.

As contrast OP, I don't have kids. I live with my partner, who works full time from home. I work part time from home.

Whilst we don't have kids, we have animals. It's usually my job to do the animal jobs in the morning, his in the evening. However, I have some health conditions, and if I'm on a day off work and even just extra sleepy, he'll go do the animals before he works. I dont even have to ask, let alone have to beg or argue. I dont even necessarily have to be super ill tbf, just even if I'm just a bit "off" and he reckons i could do with an extra hour in bed, he'll pick it up. Sometimes I'll be getting up to do it, and he will tell ME "no, you've been busy, I'm doing them this morning, I want you to rest".

He loves me. And it obviously works vice versa too, I pick "his jobs" up when I can and he can't. I love him. We're a team, and partnership.

Youre very sick with pregnancy. Imo thst totally trumps anything me and my partner go through. You need some TLC. Your partner should absolutely be picking things up without you having to ask. Absolutely.

DaisyChain505 · 30/12/2024 09:55

Motherof1and2dogs · 30/12/2024 09:50

@KrisAkabusi I have been asking him for the last 2 years unfortunately to get up and do his bottle, change his nappy etc. It's more the fact I have to ask him which upsets me so I feel like I need to hint sometimes if I need the help.

You shouldn’t have to ask the other parent of your child to meet their basic needs like giving them a bottle or change their nappy.

He isn’t going to change and things aren’t going to get any better.

you just need to decide how long you’re going to put up with this shit and how long you should subject your children to a shitty non present father.

Shiningout · 30/12/2024 09:55

KrisAkabusi · 30/12/2024 09:37

Our son started winging a little bit and I said "he is hungry and needs breakfast"

I hate when my husband does this. If you want me to do something, then say that! Don't just make passive aggressive statements.

The rest of your post is your husband being a dick though.

But why should be have to be asked to do obvious simple things? He's not a child, a parent shouldn't need to be told their child needs breakfast when the other parent is vomiting etc ffs.

DowntonCrabbie · 30/12/2024 09:58

Motherof1and2dogs · 30/12/2024 09:50

@KrisAkabusi I have been asking him for the last 2 years unfortunately to get up and do his bottle, change his nappy etc. It's more the fact I have to ask him which upsets me so I feel like I need to hint sometimes if I need the help.

So he's never properly cared for his first child...and you thought it a good idea to have another? And are somehow surprised that he continues to act exactly the same as he has always acted?

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