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Original poster

Am I overreacting by getting a bit upset over this

55 replies

Motherof1and2dogs · 30/12/2024 09:10

Just been laying in bed with my husband and our 2 year old. I am coming up to 12 weeks of my pregnancy and have had the worst time ever, vomiting almost daily, nausea 24/7 and extreme exhaustion. I asked him to do our son's morning routine this morning as I am feeling very sick, plus I have work today and he doesn't. Our son started winging a little bit and I said "he is hungry and needs breakfast" my husbands first response was "go on then" expecting me to get up and do it because he has gardening to do today, bear in mind he was also on his phone at this point watching unnecessary videos.
It made me feel really upset that he cannot see how some days this pregnancy can really affect me and I sometimes feel that I shouldn't even have to ask him to do our sons breakfast while I lay in bed with my sick bowl hanging on for dear life growing our baby. Just makes it worse also that I have work later and he is off work until after the new year.
But I said to him "can you not do it today please, I feel really rough" which he replied "I've got stuff to do, I need to build up the courage to get up and go out in the garden"... I just feel he is being very selfish.

It turned into a bit of an argument but he eventually got up to make his breakfast.
The hormones probably aren't helping but I just feel like he totally went the wrong way about it and now I feel so upset about the whole situation and now I feel like I can't ask him for help because I will just get shouted at again.

Should I just forget this happened or tell him how it made me feel? I am not sure if I am just being hormonal or if he was a little bit out of order :(

OP posts:
AllTangledUpInTinselAndTiaras · 30/12/2024 09:58

Of course he's out of order!! I mean, come on.

What kind of man isn't able to feel compassion for his wife and apparently isn't capable of understanding that he needs to pull his weight with his own child when his wife is unwell and extremely tired? A twat, that's what kind.

Men like this are pathetic. Seriously.

Stop doing everything and have a proper, direct talk with him about what being a good father and husband actually consists of.

Sadly, it's unlikely he'll want to be different.

Sceptical123 · 30/12/2024 10:01

All this advice to OP about putting her husband in his place and not standing for any of his crap etc - there’s clearly a power
Imbalance where he is the dominant ‘partner’ in their relationship and she is intimidated/scared of him, or at least upsetting him. His response that he has to gear himself up to working in the garden - which in itself is not normal behaviour, shows more clearly how he sees the dynamic - his pregnant wife is vomiting and he’d rather make infantile excuses to scroll on his phone than feed his hungry child bc his wife is physically incapable. The sort of man that does this is either physically threatening, which is why OP has put up with it, or quite capable of walking out on the whole situation - which is presumably in the forefront of her mind while she is in this most incredibly vulnerable position. I’m obviously not saying his behaviour is acceptable - but all the usual - LTB - tell him to pull his finger out! Tell him he’s a useless sod and go back to bed type comments are not helpful to someone in her situation. The fact is he could and is probably likely to walk, if not now then when he has an extra child in the mix, which is going to make his life difficult, as he seems to be a 100% selfish prick.

Sorry OP. I hope you have loads of actual support IRL X

phoenixrosehere · 30/12/2024 10:03

KrisAkabusi · 30/12/2024 09:37

Our son started winging a little bit and I said "he is hungry and needs breakfast"

I hate when my husband does this. If you want me to do something, then say that! Don't just make passive aggressive statements.

The rest of your post is your husband being a dick though.

It’s their child and she is poorly. Any decent, rational spouse that gaf about their partner would take over without needing to be told to do so.

It’s pathetic.

Are you the type that needs to be told directly to do something obvious?

Sceptical123 · 30/12/2024 10:03

Some may argue that he’s not helping her any way and she’d be better off on the own, but I’m pretty sure OP would not see it that way RIGHT NOW, and any help he can be persuaded to give is better than absolutely nothing which is what she’d have if she was doing it all alone.

thescandalwascontained · 30/12/2024 10:06

He sounds like a selfish twat. Not much a 'partner', is he.

Down the line, I suspect his attitude and treatment of you will be a marriage killer. Make sure you have something to fall back on skills wise.

buttonousmaximous · 30/12/2024 10:19

We have a routine so I get up with ds in the week so dh can go to the gym but dh does bedtime. Weekend we each get a lay in , dh still does bedtime . I cook in week and dh cooks at weekends. I work less hours so cleaning tends to fall more to me but dh does garden/cars/maintenance/diy/technical stuff and does share housework at weekends. I do most of mental load.

I find as a general rule it easier having set tasks as otherwise I found stuff defaulted to me.

But if one of you is ill the other should pick up the slack. I think you need to be more direct.

"I'm feeling sick can you take ds down".

UnderTheStairs51 · 30/12/2024 10:37

He has been an idiot here but if he's otherwise decent then try not to let a silly argument get out of hand.

I felt like you for my second pregnancy. It improved greatly at 14 weeks and I discovered fizzy water offered a slight reduction in nausea to give you some hope.

I really couldn't have comprehended how debilitating it was despite having been pregnant before.

Your husband probably doesn't understand either. That's not an excuse but I think it's easy to be wound up by responses on here and you will be feeling emotional anyway.

Perhaps try a chat later to explain to him that feeling constantly sick is utterly exhausting. It sounds like he's heard you but not understood just how bad you feel.

BIossomtoes · 30/12/2024 10:41

What the hell’s he finding to do in the garden in December? There’s nothing out there that can’t wait for the Spring.

toomuchfaff · 30/12/2024 10:43

Motherof1and2dogs · 30/12/2024 09:50

@KrisAkabusi I have been asking him for the last 2 years unfortunately to get up and do his bottle, change his nappy etc. It's more the fact I have to ask him which upsets me so I feel like I need to hint sometimes if I need the help.

without me having to ask or direct him on what to do but it has always been this way unfortunately. I work from home so I do a lot of the childcare and chores myself so I think he has just become very complacent.

if you've been asking him to do stuff (as opposed to him BEING A PARENT and doing it) for the last 2 years without any joy, why are you having more kids with him?

Do you think he's just magically going to become parent of the year? or do you think he's perfecting his "parent avoidance " techniques so you do it all? You've enabled him, you've allowed him by doing everything, and now he does nothing. Make changes or put up with more of the same.

Original poster
Motherof1and2dogs · 30/12/2024 12:27

@BIossomtoes I know it does sound a bit crazy as it is freezing cold 😂 but we moved into a new home in October and the garden is in such a state, we want to try and get it done before summer next year so the sooner it's worked on the better, and it's a mammoth task. I have no problem with him doing this at all but it's the fact that I asked him for some help in the morning he should have just said yes straight away and he was only on his phone which made the whole situation worse.
I have really been taking in what everyone has been saying and everyone is right, I shouldn't even have to ask for help, he should just bet up and do! It's his son too, not just mine and we have another on the way so he really does need to pull his finger out. The garden could also wait a few more weeks until I get out of this awful first trimester! I have spoken to him already about this and he understands but how long will it last...

OP posts:
Original poster
Motherof1and2dogs · 30/12/2024 12:35

@toomuchfaff if I am being completely honest, I did consider an abortion at the start due to fear of lack of support and I have also been very up and down with the whole situation of having another baby, this isn't the first time he has done something like this. I did even at one point apply online for a consultation for an abortion but the more I thought about it and the process the more I cried and felt so wrong for doing it.

I have been with him for 9 years, we are married, have a home together, a 2 year old so I don't want to give up that easily, I will be putting my foot down and telling him more how I feel etc and if he doesn't change then I am sure I will have the support from many other single mums for very similar reasons and I am fine with that if this is what it ever comes to :) x

OP posts:
NlouiseA · 02/01/2025 20:41

He's being selfish, don't let him make you feel unreasonable, if you've got work and he hasn't he should be getting up to do breakfast. Pregnancy is hard work!

Youcantwinthemall · 02/01/2025 20:46

He is awful. Expect more and if he won’t give more, get rid. They’re both your kids. If he was a single dad, would he leave the kid’s breakfast to do the gardening? If the answer is yes, then he’d be neglectful. This is actually worse because he’s being neglectful towards your kid, and abusive towards you. He needs to step it up.

Runningoutofthyme · 02/01/2025 20:48

Sorry to hear you’ve got a another child on the way with this sorry excuse of a partner

let’s hope he changes his ways….

Kazzybingbong · 02/01/2025 20:51

Feeding his child breakfast isn’t ‘helping’, it’s parenting. The sooner you reframe this thinking, the sooner you’ll realise he’s a lazy twat.

PinotPony · 02/01/2025 20:52

He sounds useless.

Please don’t keep referring to him “helping” you. His role isn’t to help, it’s to be a parent.

TeabySea · 02/01/2025 21:00

I am coming up to 12 weeks of my pregnancy and have had the worst time ever, vomiting almost daily, nausea 24/7 and extreme exhaustion
I am feeling very sick...I have work today and he doesn't
he is off work until after the new year
I said to him "can you not do it today please, I feel really rough" which he replied "I've got stuff to do, I need to build up the courage to get up and go out in the garden"..

What a useless excuse for a father and husband. He needs a serious kicking up the arse and to pull his weight. As PPs have said, your child has 2 parents, and right now he's not acting like one.
I'd be telling him to either get on with parenting or get out, permanently.

Forgottobuymincepies · 02/01/2025 21:06

Crack on yourself op. Do less for him and accept you have 2 dc alone. He can at least do his own laundry and cooking. Ask him seriously how he sees his relationship with his dc in the future. And how he will co parent when he has them alone 50%of the time when you inevitably split up.

Lickityspit · 02/01/2025 21:21

He is an absolute arse and you don’t deserve being treated like this. Can you try to talk to him when your little one is in bed and calmly explain how you feel and what you expect of him. You are growing a human and shouldn’t have to do it all

Imbusytodaysorry · 02/01/2025 21:23

Spirallingdownwards · 30/12/2024 09:13

He's a twat. Tell him he needs to step up and help with his 2 year old (which he should be doing whether or not you are pregnant but even more so when you may be suffering morning sickness or effects of early pregnancy).

Yip! He needs to grow up and stop being a selfish idiot.

CannotWaitForSummervibes · 02/01/2025 21:24

Motherof1and2dogs · 30/12/2024 09:50

@KrisAkabusi I have been asking him for the last 2 years unfortunately to get up and do his bottle, change his nappy etc. It's more the fact I have to ask him which upsets me so I feel like I need to hint sometimes if I need the help.

Stop asking him. Tell him what you expect him to do. He needs to step up and be a proper parent. Stop talking about him “helping you”. It’s his bloody duty to be a parent and a husband. You can talk about your mum “helping you” or your neighbour “helping you”, but you should be talking about your husband coparenting together with you.

Phineyj · 02/01/2025 21:31

You would get more support frok these people than your s3lfish DH I think pregnancysicknesssupport.org.uk/

Phineyj · 02/01/2025 21:31

Sorry from typos!

Phineyj · 02/01/2025 21:31

For! Aargh, am on app.

Oddsquadnumber1 · 02/01/2025 21:33

The obvious solution to having a lazy husband is to of course have another baby 🤔