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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He put his hands on me

41 replies

Gc1992 · 30/12/2024 07:55

We’ve just bought a new house together but last night during an argument, my partner came back in the room and grabbed my dressing gown either side of my neck and grabbed it saying something along the lines of I could really do something or I have to try really hard not to do something, I can’t quite fully remember. He did that twice. I wasn’t scared of him at the time, just surprised. I was being mouthy so probably wound him up. He does have PTSD which he said was triggered by something I said. I always thought if he ever hurt me we would be done. But he hasn’t hurt me though so should I stay?

I love our new home, we have a toddler together (in bed when it happened), financially dependent on him and I know I’d be secure in that respect with him. If we didn’t have a child things would be a lot easier, I’d move back in with my parents and go back to work full time but I can’t do that with childcare costs. Plus I’m worried about the implications for our son. What a mess. Am I being unreasonable for weighing up these options?

OP posts:
IceStationZebra · 30/12/2024 07:56

The implications for your son are that his dad could seriously injure or kill his mother. You need to leave.

DustyLee123 · 30/12/2024 07:57

It will escalate. I hope you have an escape fund. Being financially dependent on a man is never a good idea.

TTPDTS · 30/12/2024 07:58

Threatening violence is violence - do not minimise it in your head!

You can be as mouthy as you want, no one gets to put hands on you for it. He might well have PTSD but that doesn't excuse him getting physical / threatening you.

The implications for your son are worse if he stays in a violent household than if you leave and have less money I personally think.

Lightswitchup · 30/12/2024 07:59

The implications for you son is his dad building up to seriously hurting his mother. Get some advice from Women’s Aid OP.

Guavafish1 · 30/12/2024 08:00

I would move back in with parents for the here and now. I would contact women aid for advice

Cappuccinowithonesugarplease · 30/12/2024 08:01

That's horrible.
I would be out of there in a trice
I'm sorry this has happened to you. What a bully.

toomuchfaff · 30/12/2024 08:06

Violence - hands on you
Minimising violence - he hasn't hurt me
Excusing violence - he has PTSD
Victim blaming

Power shift in the relationship, you no longer feel like you can say "that thing' in case you "trigger" him, your fault isn't it...

ffs listen to yourself, listen to your gut. Get out, this was a boundary test, next time it'll be worse, and you never know when that next time will be so you'll be on edge. Not a nice way to live, on edge, wondering what it is you're going to do to trigger him next.

bigkidatheart · 30/12/2024 08:09

But he hasn't hurt me........this time

TwinklyAmberOrca · 30/12/2024 08:09

So you were verbally abusing him so he grabbed hold of your dressing gown collar?

Sounds like you both need to take a step back.

If you know he has PTSD then why were you verbally abusing him?

ShrugGood · 30/12/2024 08:12

What I would do is have a conversation with him about what happened and tell him to never do anything like that again otherwise you will be leaving. Ignoring it or avoiding the conversation means you are not drawing a line in the sand, not telling him that this is completely unacceptable because using your own words, he hasn't actually hurt you. But this is potentially leading there and isn't worth the risk of what could happen. Don't minimise this.

Whatever your words were it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter how much you wound him up, he should never threaten you with violence or be violent toward you. He needs to think about his behaviour and if he needs help with it he needs to find it.

rootsandwings89 · 30/12/2024 08:12

He obviously has it in him to do it, I'm so sorry this has happened but it will escalate - you need to leave. Contact your local domestic abuse service, they can offer lots of support to help you. Good luck.

AltitudeCheck · 30/12/2024 08:18

How did he behave afterwards? Is he shocked at his outburst, grovelling for forgiveness and actively seeking help for his PTSD and anger issues? Or is he also minimising it? Making excuses? Blaming you?

If he isn't absolutely appalled at what he did, taking full responsibility and getting help... then he thinks it is OK... and that is not OK.

Cluelesssanta · 30/12/2024 08:21

I'd be very suprised if you've got this far, without incidents like this which have been verbal in nature. eg. Him shouting, or threatening, or giving silent treatment, because you are ckaimed to have "triggered" him? It's your fault because he has PTSD and you should be aware of his "trigers"?
Please leave for your son's sake. This will continue to escalate. Also the cost of child care maybe less than you think, for a toddler, since recent changes in funding.
Your toddler is more important than your house.
Even if he never witnesses incidents, he will be badly effected by having an unhappy, anxious, possibly injured mammy,whi has to keep the peace.

Roselilly36 · 30/12/2024 08:27

OP for your own safety and that of your child leave. A man like this won’t ever change, a line has been crossed.

CountFucula · 30/12/2024 08:30

TwinklyAmberOrca · 30/12/2024 08:09

So you were verbally abusing him so he grabbed hold of your dressing gown collar?

Sounds like you both need to take a step back.

If you know he has PTSD then why were you verbally abusing him?

Not this.

It doesn’t matter what came before, the bit that is dangerous for you and your son is the part where he put his hands on you and admitted that he was trying hard not to hurt you further. That’s a huge risk, you either behave in a way he likes or he will hurt you further. Or he might hurt you further anyway. Not a good life.

Nothatgingerpirate · 30/12/2024 08:32

You are financially dependent on your "partner", he put his hands on you, you have a small child....
Read this back to yourself.
Whose name is the house in?
You need to leave this bastard.

MugPlate · 30/12/2024 08:34

If we didn’t have a child things would be a lot easier

Yes, that’s why he hasn’t done this (gone for your neck) until you’re trapped in a new house with a small child.

Lightswitchup · 30/12/2024 08:39

I read that putting hands on the neck is the biggest indicator of risk of future murder in domestic abuse situations. That may sound dramatic to you OP and I know he didn’t actually try to strangle you but this appears to be what he was thinking. I just don’t want you to minimise it. And as pp have said if he is then suggesting it was all your fault because you ‘triggered’ him this is a huge red flag.

notatinydancer · 30/12/2024 08:40

He'll do it again.

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 30/12/2024 08:42

I think people are confused by the voting options, by the way, so pleased focus on the comments instead.

You need to leave him. The most important thing is the safety of you and your child, and he has shown you that you are not safe with him. If you don't leave, it will get worse.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/12/2024 08:43

I think in all likelihood if he has done it once he will do it again ans it will escalate. The fact he is blaming you rather than mortified at himself and seeking help to ensure that it never happens again, is not a good sign

Errors · 30/12/2024 08:46

It is totally unacceptable OP

But, how is the relationship otherwise? Does he ever belittle you or try and control you in any way? Do you argue a lot? Does he have a temper?

Nothatgingerpirate · 30/12/2024 08:47

TwinklyAmberOrca · 30/12/2024 08:09

So you were verbally abusing him so he grabbed hold of your dressing gown collar?

Sounds like you both need to take a step back.

If you know he has PTSD then why were you verbally abusing him?

🙄
Some people really need to know their standards, before they let someone into their life.

sweetpickle2 · 30/12/2024 08:48

OP, be threatened to kill you.

Call women’s aid and get out of there ASAP.

Overthebow · 30/12/2024 08:50

You can’t stay OP, he’s dangerous and has shown you who he is. You need to leave and put your and your DCs safety first.