He put his hands on me

[Gc1992]

We’ve just bought a new house together but last night during an argument, my partner came back in the room and grabbed my dressing gown either side of my neck and grabbed it saying something along the lines of I could really do something or I have to try really hard not to do something, I can’t quite fully remember. He did that twice. I wasn’t scared of him at the time, just surprised. I was being mouthy so probably wound him up. He does have PTSD which he said was triggered by something I said. I always thought if he ever hurt me we would be done. But he hasn’t hurt me though so should I stay?

I love our new home, we have a toddler together (in bed when it happened), financially dependent on him and I know I’d be secure in that respect with him. If we didn’t have a child things would be a lot easier, I’d move back in with my parents and go back to work full time but I can’t do that with childcare costs. Plus I’m worried about the implications for our son. What a mess. Am I being unreasonable for weighing up these options?

The relationship is ok. We argue/ bicker quite a lot. He doesn’t belittle me or control me in any way though. What set everything off last night is I told him my parents were picking up our child from nursery and coming back to ours to babysit until he finishes work at 4 and he thought they were taking him back to theirs. That’s literally it. He was saying a change of plans triggers his PTSD…

Grabbing OP at the neck and threatening violence is belittling and controlling. It is an attempt to control behaviour by force if necessary.

The PTSD is a lame excuse. There is no excuse at all for threatening behavior. If he has issues he needs to adress them instead of taking it out on you.

Has he apologised??
Has he ever acted this way before and then used PTSD as an excuse? Sounds like he knows he fucked up but is coming up with excuses so he doesn’t have to feel guilty or say sorry - typical man move. He behaves like a child and then blames you for ‘triggering him’

OP didn't say she was "verbally abusing" him.

do you also ask rape victims what they were wearing?

Victim blaming much.

The relationship is ok.

No, it isn't. Leave, with your child.
Or, as I thought when I read the opening post 'Get the fuck out of there!'

He apologised last night shortly after. He said he didn’t know what had come over him and that he was ashamed. He is on medication and has had counselling in the past for it. I’m just not sure whether to make it clear if he ever does anything remotely close to that again then we’ll be gone, given the time and money we have just put into the house, as opposed to throwing it all away now.

Before reading your thread I literally just watched a YouTube video about a man who threatened his wife and then, down the line, he killed her. In the meantime their children grew up in fear of him and then had to deal with their mother’s death.

Don’t be that woman. Don’t let your son be those children.

Money isn’t as important as freedom and happiness. It really really isn’t. If you leave now it will feel like you are throwing all that security away but the reality is that by not being with him you are ensuring your security and your sons.

You are not 'throwing it away', he did the moment he put his hands on you! Ffs, get your kiddie and leave! He will do it again. You will get hurt. Your child will know and will be damaged by it. This is not your doing but what happens next is 100% in your hands to change.

So know you'll be constantly worrying about changing plans in case it 'triggers him' again. Another way of putt that is you'll have to do everything his way.

Honestly, go to your parents and stay away from him.

The relationship doesn’t sound healthy with regards to either of your behaviour to be honest.

I can’t stay I’ve ever “got mouthy” with my DH in all the years we’ve been together and he would never put his hands on me.

you should be able to have difficult discussions without screaming, being verbally abusive, pushing buttons or being physical.

He apologised last night shortly after. He said he didn’t know what had come over him and that he was ashamed.

Standard. They do that. Then the next time the violence gets worse.

He is on medication and has had counselling in the past for it.

For his PTSD? I don't think that's even relevant tbh, lots of people have PTSD, we don't all turn into abusive cunts.

I’m just not sure whether to make it clear if he ever does anything remotely close to that again then we’ll be gone, given the time and money we have just put into the house, as opposed to throwing it all away now.

You will stay. He will do it again. He will apologise. You will stay. He will escalate. He will apologise. You will stay...

Please leave him now. If not for yourself do it for your child who absolutely deserves better.

@CountFucula

Brilliant first sentence. Money is not as satisfying as freedom, privacy, peace and happiness in singledom.
I came to this realisation myself when older. (Married for 20 years, very fortunate, no problems).

He doesn’t belittle me or control me in any way though.

He was saying a change of plans triggers his PTSD…

Can you see how he is using the diagnosis as a method of controlling you?

You could tell him he has to get some help for his PTSD related violent impulses immediately if you are to stay together. It sounds as if he has some level of self awareness and a wish to control himself but you can’t rely on that being enough.