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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Difficult grandmother - am I horrible?

42 replies

sunnylife2 · 29/12/2024 23:33

I feel cruel writing this but I am really struggling with my grandmother.

I am in my early 30s and she is in her 80s, I have always made an effort with her like I feel I should and tried really hard but I have never felt a close connection to her like I did with my maternal grandmother. I have memories with my maternal grandmother as a child which as baking a cake together, helping her in the garden etc and felt like she really enjoyed spending time together and loved me and I really loved her. She passed away 10 years ago and I don’t have any of these memories with my paternal grandmother and she has always come across very cold. (She has never had a good relationship with my mother either).

During Covid, I made sure I always did her shopping, dropped it to her door etc when I lived around 30 mins away. I would always call her once a week for a chat, although it’s always felt very forced and she never calls me. Even on my wedding day she said she wanted to ‘bring a friend’ which we agreed for her to do to keep the peace but looking back it wasn’t right that she invited someone herself!
Anyway, my husband and I now live 3 hours away from her as we had to relocate for his job and my parents also decided to move to be closer to us. She seemed fine about this at first but in the last few years she’s made lots of snidey comments. She is not alone where she lives as my brother and uncles live close by.

My brother and his girlfriend have just had a baby and we found out through them that she has made lots of comments about how my husband and I don’t have children and she finds it ‘strange’. My brother hasn’t bothered with my grandmother in years, often let her down and all of a sudden they are playing happy families now there is a new baby in the family and he is the best thing since sliced bread. She doesn’t need to know but my husband and I are struggling to conceive so the comments and feeling alienated and second best to my brother is really hurtful.

This Christmas she sent me a card with a cheque for £30 and a message saying ‘I can’t get to the shops on my own so buy yourselves something’. I read this as very passive aggressive. Is it awful that I don’t want to call her to say thank you? I sent her a present in the post too but doubt she will ring me.

I feel so awful disliking an elderly lady, especially my grandmother but the way she acts fills me with anxiety and I dread seeing her 😞 if I don’t she calls my dad and moans about me to him. The relationship just drains me.
Has anyone had a similar situation with a grandparent?

OP posts:
BoundaryGirl3939 · 29/12/2024 23:36

I don't think the cheque with 30 quid was passive aggressive. I think it was just practical.

BoundaryGirl3939 · 29/12/2024 23:40

And I don't think she was being totally unreasonable bringing a friend with her on your wedding day. Most people bring a partner anyway.

It seems like you two don't click, and that's okay. I was never close to my grandfather. He seemed to prefer other grandchildren. I'll never understand it.

justasking111 · 29/12/2024 23:41

She and your mother didn't get on is the biggest tell. Unfortunately not all grandparents are sweetness and light. Just let it go. She's a difficult woman, there are other women like this you'll find in life.

weirdoboelady · 29/12/2024 23:44

Some of the things you say sound difficult, to me. I join the other poster in thinking that giving you money, if she can't get to the shops, is simply practical. (I also wonder whether she would appreciate some computer lessons from you - being able to order things - and chat - online would probably transform her life.

'Plus ones' are pretty standard for weddings, so I'm surprised you dislike the idea of her bringing someone you don't know. An elderly lady might feel quite insecure going to a big social event where she doesn't know anyone else.

She obviously loves babies. So do you. I do feel it might be transformative in your relationship if you told her you are TTC - some tears together might melt a lifetime of what I suspect is you both being shy. Can you say to her 'I'd like us to have a closer relationship. Would you like that too? What can we do?'

pizzaHeart · 29/12/2024 23:49

Her Christmas present was absolutely fine. Call her and say thank you.
Bringing friend to a wedding was reasonably fine too. She probably wanted someone to chat with. You wouldn’t expect her to chat with your friends would you?
She might be not a nice person or just different to you. Visit her as often as you can and like. If you don’t like her don’t visit much. If she moans tell Dad that you are busy at work.

RosieBurdock · 29/12/2024 23:49

You don't need to bother with someone who moans about you to others and says you're strange for not having kids and drains you and makes you feel anxious. Send her a thank you card for the money but distance yourself a bit. You don't need to martyr yourself to people who don't treat you well.

Sosayallofus · 30/12/2024 00:11

It's so weird that some people always think they have to love, like or include grandparents. I am of an older generation and many had little to do with granpdarents, this "must see gran all the time and gran should help out all the time" business is very new to me and it seems to be the under 40s pushing it.

If you don't like her, don't bother. That goes for anyone really. Now you'll hear the squeals of "But that can happent to you too!" Shrug. My family visit me because they want to, not because they feel obliged, and if they don't want to I'll accept that.

Yes, the note with the cheque was very DEFINITELY a dig, of course it was.

Grandparent is often not a close connection at all - good for all the ones who will now jump up and down about how close they are to their grandparents. Many aren't, and it doesn't matter. It hasn't worked out for you, so just let it go.

BoundaryGirl3939 · 30/12/2024 00:15

Sosayallofus · 30/12/2024 00:11

It's so weird that some people always think they have to love, like or include grandparents. I am of an older generation and many had little to do with granpdarents, this "must see gran all the time and gran should help out all the time" business is very new to me and it seems to be the under 40s pushing it.

If you don't like her, don't bother. That goes for anyone really. Now you'll hear the squeals of "But that can happent to you too!" Shrug. My family visit me because they want to, not because they feel obliged, and if they don't want to I'll accept that.

Yes, the note with the cheque was very DEFINITELY a dig, of course it was.

Grandparent is often not a close connection at all - good for all the ones who will now jump up and down about how close they are to their grandparents. Many aren't, and it doesn't matter. It hasn't worked out for you, so just let it go.

Edited

Out if curiosity, why do you think the cheque was a dig?

My mother, who is also a grandmother, gives money and cheques as Christmas presents. She hasn't a clue what to get anyone so she leaves it up to us to but ourselves what we actually want/need.

My grandparents also gave me money at Christmas.

Sosayallofus · 30/12/2024 00:22

@BoundaryGirl3939 Nobody sends a note that says "I can’t get to the shops on my own" with a cheque unless they are having a go at the person for not taking them to the shops.

I don't worry about minute possibilities and just go with the most obvious and clear interpretation of events. DEFINITELY should probably read 99.99999 percent certainty, but that's close enough to definitely for me.

Isittimeformynapyet · 30/12/2024 00:22

pizzaHeart · 29/12/2024 23:49

Her Christmas present was absolutely fine. Call her and say thank you.
Bringing friend to a wedding was reasonably fine too. She probably wanted someone to chat with. You wouldn’t expect her to chat with your friends would you?
She might be not a nice person or just different to you. Visit her as often as you can and like. If you don’t like her don’t visit much. If she moans tell Dad that you are busy at work.

Surely the grandmother had family to talk to at the wedding.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/12/2024 00:29

What did you get her for Christmas?

Original poster
sunnylife2 · 30/12/2024 00:33

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/12/2024 00:29

What did you get her for Christmas?

A customised photo book and a lovely box of chocolates

OP posts:
Original poster
sunnylife2 · 30/12/2024 00:34

Isittimeformynapyet · 30/12/2024 00:22

Surely the grandmother had family to talk to at the wedding.

Show quote history

Yes she did, my father and rest of the family. She wasn’t left on her own but still insisted she bring a friend

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 30/12/2024 00:36

She's 80 something, she'll be gone soon, so no need to borrow trouble about her. She doesn't sound particularly warm but I don't think the cheque was a dig, just phone and say thank you and leave it at that.

Original poster
sunnylife2 · 30/12/2024 00:37

Sosayallofus · 30/12/2024 00:11

It's so weird that some people always think they have to love, like or include grandparents. I am of an older generation and many had little to do with granpdarents, this "must see gran all the time and gran should help out all the time" business is very new to me and it seems to be the under 40s pushing it.

If you don't like her, don't bother. That goes for anyone really. Now you'll hear the squeals of "But that can happent to you too!" Shrug. My family visit me because they want to, not because they feel obliged, and if they don't want to I'll accept that.

Yes, the note with the cheque was very DEFINITELY a dig, of course it was.

Grandparent is often not a close connection at all - good for all the ones who will now jump up and down about how close they are to their grandparents. Many aren't, and it doesn't matter. It hasn't worked out for you, so just let it go.

Edited

Thank you for this, yes I agree - I want to ask her how often she called her grandparents as a 30 year old woman. And how often my Dad called his grandparents. I’d be interested to know…
I feel like there is so much expectation and guilt tripping put on me.
Aside from this I work full time too and have a busy life like most people!

OP posts:
Original poster
sunnylife2 · 30/12/2024 00:38

BoundaryGirl3939 · 29/12/2024 23:36

I don't think the cheque with 30 quid was passive aggressive. I think it was just practical.

Possibly but as my husband said - she has always just sent a cheque for Christmas. I could understand if she’d sent gifts previously and that’s why the note seemed so obviously a dig.

OP posts:
OrwellianTimes · 30/12/2024 00:43

She’s in her 80’s, a bit of a difficult old lady who is set in her ways and not goi g to change. Although having a plus one is very standard for weddings.

It might sound utterly harsh, but personally I’d swallow my offences here a bit longer, and keep tolerating her. She won’t be around much longer, and honestly, a little appeasement won’t hurt you. Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.

Sosayallofus · 30/12/2024 00:50

@OrwellianTimes - in what way would she be cutting off her nose to spite her face?

She has described her grandmother as "cold" and said she "has never had a good relationship with my mother either" said that her grandmother never calls her and that the relationship feels forced.

She doesn't enjoy her company and doesn't want to see her, so I don't see how she would be cutting off her nose to spite her face?

BoundaryGirl3939 · 30/12/2024 00:58

sunnylife2 · 30/12/2024 00:38

Possibly but as my husband said - she has always just sent a cheque for Christmas. I could understand if she’d sent gifts previously and that’s why the note seemed so obviously a dig.

Show quote history

I would pull back in that case. Be polite when you see her but don't force a relationship because you feel you should. Some grandparents are really cold. I wouldn't take it personally as her preferences might be based on very fickle and superficial reasons (e.g. preferring boys to girls).

NobleDeeds · 30/12/2024 01:09

Nothing you’ve said about her sounds terrible to me (I’d blame your brother for repeating what she said about you not having children), but that’s in the context of my own grandmother having been a vicious, twisted bitch whose death was an enormous relief. But no, you can’t force yourself to love someone because they’re old or related to you,

Rightsraptor · 30/12/2024 01:10

Oh come on, OP, you can't seriously think your father phoned his grandparents. You're in your 30s, so how old is your father - in his 60s? How old would his grandparents be now? You can't have even considered how few people even had a phone not so long ago. Nobody I knew had a phone well into the 1960s and those that did get the phone put in, as we used to say, were younger and more cutting edge. Not grannies. So you're making a poor comparison.

Your grandmother is getting old and is probably frightened. Have a bit of sympathy.

Sosayallofus · 30/12/2024 01:19

Rightsraptor · 30/12/2024 01:10

Oh come on, OP, you can't seriously think your father phoned his grandparents. You're in your 30s, so how old is your father - in his 60s? How old would his grandparents be now? You can't have even considered how few people even had a phone not so long ago. Nobody I knew had a phone well into the 1960s and those that did get the phone put in, as we used to say, were younger and more cutting edge. Not grannies. So you're making a poor comparison.

Your grandmother is getting old and is probably frightened. Have a bit of sympathy.

I was born in 1968, making me currently 56, we were very poor and we still had a phone. My husband is 61 and was working class of Irish immigrants and they had a phone, I just asked him. We are from different parts of the UK too, by a long way.

Everyone had phones that I knew, and they weren't new tech or at all unusual. They usually sat in the living room sometimes the hall and if you were posh you had a phone seat. You did watch the phone bill and almost nobody ever phoned overseas, but pretty much everyone had a phone.

Families often made advance arrangements, like my aunt would visit every other Saturday at a certain time, but you certainly could and did phone to check in on people. The only person I knew who didn't have a phone was my uncle who lived in a bit of a doss house for men in town, but they still had a reception phone.

Tourmalines · 30/12/2024 01:31

Why do people say she won’t be around for much longer ? She could live to be a 100 !

crumblingschools · 30/12/2024 01:31

DH’s parents had a phone when he was little but to start with it was a shared line with neighbours.

Sosayallofus · 30/12/2024 01:32

@crumblingschools We had our own line, but when I moved house when I was 12 or 13 it was to a shared line. I found that really weird and my mum got that sorted out very quickly as that was very old fashioned, though we were in a city so perhaps it was more standard in more rural areas.