Difficult grandmother - am I horrible?

[sunnylife2]

I feel cruel writing this but I am really struggling with my grandmother.

I am in my early 30s and she is in her 80s, I have always made an effort with her like I feel I should and tried really hard but I have never felt a close connection to her like I did with my maternal grandmother. I have memories with my maternal grandmother as a child which as baking a cake together, helping her in the garden etc and felt like she really enjoyed spending time together and loved me and I really loved her. She passed away 10 years ago and I don’t have any of these memories with my paternal grandmother and she has always come across very cold. (She has never had a good relationship with my mother either).

During Covid, I made sure I always did her shopping, dropped it to her door etc when I lived around 30 mins away. I would always call her once a week for a chat, although it’s always felt very forced and she never calls me. Even on my wedding day she said she wanted to ‘bring a friend’ which we agreed for her to do to keep the peace but looking back it wasn’t right that she invited someone herself!
Anyway, my husband and I now live 3 hours away from her as we had to relocate for his job and my parents also decided to move to be closer to us. She seemed fine about this at first but in the last few years she’s made lots of snidey comments. She is not alone where she lives as my brother and uncles live close by.

My brother and his girlfriend have just had a baby and we found out through them that she has made lots of comments about how my husband and I don’t have children and she finds it ‘strange’. My brother hasn’t bothered with my grandmother in years, often let her down and all of a sudden they are playing happy families now there is a new baby in the family and he is the best thing since sliced bread. She doesn’t need to know but my husband and I are struggling to conceive so the comments and feeling alienated and second best to my brother is really hurtful.

This Christmas she sent me a card with a cheque for £30 and a message saying ‘I can’t get to the shops on my own so buy yourselves something’. I read this as very passive aggressive. Is it awful that I don’t want to call her to say thank you? I sent her a present in the post too but doubt she will ring me.

I feel so awful disliking an elderly lady, especially my grandmother but the way she acts fills me with anxiety and I dread seeing her 😞 if I don’t she calls my dad and moans about me to him. The relationship just drains me.
Has anyone had a similar situation with a grandparent?

@Sosayallofus

I am older than both you and your dh, and we had a telephone in the 60's and
we had a phone seat :)

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon Maybe not just posh folk had them, they just seemed posh to me and I was dead excited when my mum finally bought one instead of the phone just sitting on a spindly table :)

@sunnylife2

You and your parents now both live 3 hours away, i am not sure what you or your grandma expect you to do.

your brother lives nearer to her - that's great
her other sons live nearer to her - that's also great.

Don't feel bad.
and don't let it drain you.

I think you're not close to her, you don't really like her, she doesn't fulfil all those lovely feelings your other nan did....and you feel bad that you feel this way, so you're trying to find reasons why you don't like her and why you can't keep in contact with her.

I adored my maternal grandmother, I was brought up by her. I didn't have a close relationship with my paternal grandmother. It was just one of those things. I wasn't rude to her, I spoke to her once a week as an adult, I didn't take anything she said to be "bad". One phone call a week for 10 mins and to pass the time of day was hardly anything out of my busy life.

I see nothing wrong on the note about not getting to the shops. It's just a statement. She can't get to the shops. Maybe she feels bad that she can't send you a present and just wanted to acknowledge that. Tbh I can't see that she done anything wrong, the cheque, the wedding whatever. Don't concern yourself with your brothers past or present relationship with her, it's not your business.

Can't you just be polite to her on the phone? Seems to me you're just looking for reasons to dislike her to make yourself feel better that you don't. You don't have to love her or even like her. You don't even have to talk to her if you really don't want to.....I'm just not sure why you can't be respectfully polite to an elderly person in your family whilst not regurgitating everything she says? Accept her and the relationship for what it is and you might feel better about yourself xx

" Not all mums are Marions."

Nobody sends a note that says "I can’t get to the shops on my own" with a cheque unless they are having a go at the person for not taking them to the shops.

They do if that person lives a three hour drive away, it’s a simple statement of fact. I can see nothing passive aggressive in it.

I agree. I also think it’s totally fine for her to bring a friend to her granddaughters wedding, as her plus one.

I think the OP is trying to find reasons to justify not liking her, but her feelings are valid as they are. Just limit contact and go on with your life.

I also had a very difficult grandmother. She died when I was 21 but she could be cold, difficult, nasty etc. My Dad didn't enjoy seeing her either and it was actually my Mum, her daughter in law who she was horrible to that made sure we visited regularly.

I think you go above and beyond? Sounds like you're on eggshells around her trying to people please? You're busy, have your own life, you didn't force your parents to move and after all it is your father's mother. You speak to her regularly, you're definitely reading into the cheque too much. Just shrug it off and in years to come it will become a quirky anecdote about how she is. Sounds like your brother doesn't let it bother him.

Your grandmother sounds prickly and abrasive at best, but that's maybe the worst of her too. The plus one is quite standard at weddings, even for family (and maybe especially them!) and the cheque is a pragmatic approach to gift-giving for someone who isn't tech-confident and can't get to the shops.

The fact that she's never got on with your mother is far more telling than either of these details. Adults should know better than to line children up in one 'camp' or the other, but many do. They often identify their grandchildren, nieces, nephews and even their own children as being 'her Mum's girl' or 'his Dad's boy' from no age and their assumptions fall into place according to where they think a child's loyalties are or ought to be. It's really pernicious and damaging.

I'm not saying that's what happened in your case OP, but if there's an element of it floating around in the family ether, it might explain a few things, eg her preference for your brother, her chilly manner with you etc. But it also might explain her moaning to your Dad about you. She maybe has a hunch she's missing out on a positive relationship with you, but she hasn't done much to cultivate one and that's on her. (The fact that your Dad and brother find it necessary to tell you about your grandmother's negative comments is striking. It's hard to see that behaviour as helpful to either of you.)

As pps have said, perhaps all you can do at this stage is maintain the limited relationship you have. The practicalities of living three hours away wouldn't allow you a lot of time with her whatever her character so should you use up valuable energy worrying about it?

She sounds unpleasant. I’d keep visits and calls to a minimum, maybe together with your mum and dad.

No one should talk about you behind your back, being old doesn’t excuse you from behaving decently. Your brother is a shit stirrer for telling you about it, completely unnecessary and designed to upset you. Not sure I’d be wasting much time on him, either.

The cheque in a card is fine, lots of people do it as relatives often don't know what to buy and don't want to get something no one wants. It's normal in our family.

I was very close to my maternal grandparents and felt like I barely knew my paternal ones. It's just how it is, partly due, most likely, to my dad not being great at maintaining contact in the same way that my mum was. When my paternal grandfather died I hadn't even seen him for more than 20 years. I didn't make a point of that, but the longer you don't see someone for, the harder it is to reignite a relationship.

I think it's just a reality check - not all people are the same and not all grandparents are the same. She isn't ever going to be like the grandmother you miss. In my extended family there are people who gossip about the others sometimes and speculate between themselves. You say she is in her 80s - phone calls can become more difficult as people age because they can't hear you as well, and also because if they do less they haven't got as much to say beyond 'how are you' etc. I would just accept her for who she is and not expect too much. Whether she moans about not seeing you or not isn't something you need to be stressed over - you live too far away and she will have to accept that.

Mean people are still mean when they get old. Meaner, often.

Just call her and thank her for the present and don't acknowledge the dig (if it was one). Just remind yourself you've moved away and don't have to have as much contact with her now. If she is making comments to people that you don't see her as much, who cares?! It's true! And you prefer it that way.

You seem a bit resentful of your brothers relationship with her, but I'm not sure why. Things change, relationships change. He's obviously decided since having a baby it would be nice to have more contact. And your grandmother obviously likes that. Why let it bother you?
As for the hurtful comments about it being 'strange' you don't have a baby. She is of a generation where you got married and had babies and that was that. She obviously doesn't know you are TTC so hasn't deliberately been hurtful. If anything, be annoyed with your brother for stiring the pot - he didn't have to tell you. The fact that he did maybe suggests he thinks the same.

You know it’s ok to cut off people - even family - you don’t have to suffer people putting you down.

You should say thank you for the gift. Then leave it.

Dd1 and dd2 are in their 30s, married with dc - both work full time one is a senior gynaecologist and the other a biomedical engineer. They both phone their gps and visit them regularly without needing a prompt from me. Dd1 lives about 3 hours away and dd2 about one.

Sounds as though your brother has realised he might inherit, doesn't it?

I wouldn't worry about the note. She's an old lady so can't go shopping. Maybe she does mean "now that you're not here to do my bidding" but that's true anyway, isn't it? I'd rather have a cheque than have my brother buy the present.

I was born in 1965 and dm had a small win on the premium bonds and had a phone installed about 1967. She then realised she had no one to call! The neighbours were always popping in to use it. Gps did get one in the 70s and we did use to phone them. My uncle never had a phone (he died in 2011 aged 72).