How bad a parent am I?

[tryingtokeepmyheadabovewater]

Dc now 11. Prior to this, they went to bed and the rest of the evening was "my childfree time". Something I value greatly. No family nearby for childcare support. I fit my work into mornings, to be around to be able to do school pickups, homeworks, clubs etc (three children). Eldest now ready to stay up later (up until last year bedtime was 9pm, now 9.30 and dc pushing for later). I'm really struggling with this tbh.

It leaves me very little of the evening childfree. It means I'm doing productive tasks tired or feels too late to start something enjoyable for myself to relax etc

Am I being very selfish over my time? If I'm honest, I'm actually resenting my eldest being up later. Which I feel so bad about. I should view it as an opportunity for 1-1 time (other siblings younger). But I am desperately craving me time. Any tips?

At that age they can occupy themselves a bit so you can do your own thing. You don't have to be spending all that time with them.

Not bad at all!

Can you spend five mins "tucking them in", ie full attention, listening, asking them about their day/worries etc, hug and kiss and tell them you love them...then leave them to read/draw for half an hour or so in their room whilst you have your child free time?

Child free time is important, and sounds like you need it most evenings to unwind and relax (self care). That's absolutely fine. Don't feel guilty about it. Quality over quantity imo.

Does eldest share a room with the youngers?
do they want your time and attention? Would they be happy just doing their own thing in their room until later

I understand where you’re coming from - my eldest gets the least of my attention during the day and I need to make the time for them but my god I’m tired too by night !
could you compromise and allow them to stay up weekends and say one or two nights out of the week?
You get the time together and some time to yourself

I had this issue, I'm very hands on attentive mum during day but by evening i want my own space to unwind!
I think 930 is a little late for an 11 year old, but i could be wrong.
My dd is 13 what works for us is into her room at 7pm every night. She can use her phone to catch up with friends etc till 8pm then 8pm phone off. From 8pm till 9pm she can watch TV, draw, read, practice make up looks whatever but tv lights everything off at 9pm. On a weekend it's same but everything off at 930.
Could you do something like this so your dc gets time but you get space?

Your 13 year old is just in her room from 7pm every night?

Your 13 year old goes go bed at 9?

@ZippyBlueViper sorry I just realised that sounds really judgey, I'm not I'm just really surprised, it seems really early for a teenager!

Blimey!

@tryingtokeepmyheadabovewater my dc is 11 too and bedtime seems to be getting later and later so I totally emphasise. Do you have a shower / bath after they have gone to bed ?

I wouldn't worry. When they are teenagers they won't want your company, you will never see them and if you do they will growl at you or mutter something under their breath.

I don't know any 13 year olds who have lights out by 9.30 at the weekend unless they need to get up at 5am for swimming!

I also can't imagine making a 13 year old go to their room at 7 so I don't have to see them. It feels a bit dismissive. But if it works for your family then that's great.

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting some alone time and it does get harder as they get older.

Does he want to be hanging out with you until 930? Or just playing, doing stuff etc. if it’s the latter there is no issue.

Yeah, I have a 13yo, almost 14yo, and he prefers to spend time alone in his room from 8pm ish, mostly gaming. Lights out around 10pm school nights (he needs a lot of sleep and always has) and 11pm + weekends and holidays.

It won't be long and like pp has said, they won't want to be with you (amazing and sad in equal measures!).

I am at the stage of life with my kids where I go to bed before they do! It's my way of getting some me time. 😁.

What about suggesting a hybrid model. They go to bed later four nights a week but earlier three nights a week?

Or let her know it's down time and do what you would do normally .. bath, facemask, movie and she can hang out but it's not time for play.

I don’t remember how old I was when I started staying up late, maybe 13 or 14, but Mum and I would watch tv together and catch up on our day.

The older kids were long gone and Dad always went to bed early.

I don’t recall it ruining her life — I’m sure she would’ve told me. She was always quick to tell me when I irritated her. I was always quick to remind her that I’d be in charge of choosing her care home.

Do they want to spend time with you or are they just pottling about in their room playing/reading/whatever?

Basically if they're demanding your attention, you can impose some rules and boundaries and still keep some nights to yourself, without keeping bedtime too early.

If it's because you feel you should be with them/do something/can't relax because they're not asleep, then that's a you problem and it would be massively unfair to punish the child because of it.

Does the eldest have their own room? If not it's not surprising they'd rather be downstairs than sitting in the dark while their sibling sleeps. If they do, if they are anything like I was as a teenager they'll soon just be in their room all the time and your problem with be moot.

Until then maybe just watch something they'll have no interest in on the TV, or swap your routine around, so usually if you have a shower last thing have that earlier while dc is still up and then relax after. Or you go to your room if you want to just read or mn in peace.

Yes it would be nice to spend a bit of 1-1 time with them but it doesn't have to be for the full hour or two every night! It's fine to want your own time.

Why can't you do productive tasks while they're awake? Surely at 11 it's not like you'll go and empty the washing machine and they'll come and find you and cry until you pick them up, or you'll come back to find they've emptied flour all over the kitchen?

My ds recently turned 12 and I feel the same! His bedtime seems to get later and later. He's got dragging it out down to a tee! I got into a really bad habit of going to bed really late just so I felt like I had a bit of an evening to myself to relax after working and then making the evening meal, doing the housework, helping with homework etc. Then I'd be worn out the next day at work. He doesn't like reading so he won't go up earlier and do that and I don't want him gaming to close to bed time.
He now has a shower before bed and gets his uniform and bag ready for the next day and this gives me time to unwind and also helps the mornings run more smoothly. He has started finding series's that he likes so will watch an episode or 2 before bed. We always have our evening meal together so he can tell me about his day and that helps me not feel guilty if I want to snuggle up and read my book

Yeah she goes to her room for 7. She looks forward to face timing her friends, they practice make up looks together, she loves to draw so she'll get her sketch books out all over her floor etc. I wander in and out checking if she needs anything, chat to her about what she's drawing etc and she'll wander threw to me if she wants something. It's not like she's banished to her room 🤣 she likes her space as much as i like mine. All of her friends have lights out at 9 during the week, I didn't think 9 was an unusual time? Maybe because we're country people and live very rural? She's up at 6am everyday during week. She has breakfast gets ready then walks her dog then we have to leave at 730 for me to drive her to the bus stop for 8. On a weekend she sleeps in till around 8 but it's still an early start. 9pm till 6am is only 9 hours sleep and she probably takes half hour to drop off so 8 and half hours sleep? I thought that was kind of the amount of sleep children should be getting? Maybe I'm doing it all wrong 🤦🏼‍♀️

I think you could have this conversation with them. If they're old enough to stay up later, they're old enough to understand some light parental boundaries in regard to what you need to feel peaceful and rested.
What do you do in the evening OP? You could explain to your DC that after a long day you just really like to be quietly shopping/scrolling on your phone for a bit ( I know it doesn't sound great to say it out loud, but we're all human so better to own it!) or doing yoga or watching TV, and that you are happy for them to stay up but you probably won't be much fun.
My mum used to say that if we bothered her we'd have to go to bed, and I'm sure there is a gentler way of saying that whilst still making it clear your evenings need to be your own for the most part.

Quite a dreadful parent to be honest. You should cherish every moment you children spend with you because one they they will be gone for good.

Not the point of the post but I genuinely don't know how children stay up so late - I remember trying to stay awake til 8.30 at a similar age & failing miserably!

Is the view nice from your high horse?