How bad a parent am I?

[tryingtokeepmyheadabovewater]

Dc now 11. Prior to this, they went to bed and the rest of the evening was "my childfree time". Something I value greatly. No family nearby for childcare support. I fit my work into mornings, to be around to be able to do school pickups, homeworks, clubs etc (three children). Eldest now ready to stay up later (up until last year bedtime was 9pm, now 9.30 and dc pushing for later). I'm really struggling with this tbh.

It leaves me very little of the evening childfree. It means I'm doing productive tasks tired or feels too late to start something enjoyable for myself to relax etc

Am I being very selfish over my time? If I'm honest, I'm actually resenting my eldest being up later. Which I feel so bad about. I should view it as an opportunity for 1-1 time (other siblings younger). But I am desperately craving me time. Any tips?

Harsh.

This! ^^

You are not a terrible parent at all op.

I remember this transition. It’s a hard adjustment.

When your dc are young, how you order your life and theirs, tends to benefit both parents and children. But once they become teens it’s a big change and parents have to adjust accordingly. Your teen has a right to inhabit your evening too I’m afraid.

You are still allowed to have your own time op, but it is hard for a while during this transition stage until they become more independent so it’s good to build in time outside the house just for yourself at the weekends or one evening a week.

I know it’s not the same as being able to have time to yourself at home but as the pp said, it won’t be long before you will be trying to prise them out of their rooms.

Dc of a similar age (3 of them!) none go to bed before 11/12 on non school nights and on school nights it's around 9.30/10, it is what it is, they have tv/ipad time in their rooms after a certain time (they choose this tbf) but is this something you could encourage? I get that listening to them playing games in earshot is annoying af but they don't actually want to interact with you 🤣

ZippyBlueViper your children must be missing out on all extra curricular and sports with an insistence on lights out at 9pm. Which is a shame for them. Even Girlguides finishes at 9pm (so home by 9.30pm) and that starts aged 10, in Y5. My children all did swimming club and various racket sports where the older children's sessions didn't even start until 8.30 or 9pm.

tryingtokeepmyheadabovewater how old will your eldest child be when your youngest chiod is 11? Will you still be expecting child free evenings then? It has to end sometime. My children are 10, 15, 18 and 20 - I cringe at my expectations with my eldest now that I compare to my youngest. I truly understand not sweating the small stuff. Life evolves. I frequently go to bed before my teens and often at the same time as my youngest - this doesn't equal missing out on anything (like child free time). I gain much more than i lost by the mature relationships I have with the children's they've got older.

I can assure you she doesn't miss out on activities. Guides is not something she has ever been interested in, it's not something that's popular in our area.

She has singing lessons 5pm till 6pm one night a week. Boxing 5 till 6pm another night and dances on a Saturday .🤷🏼‍♀️

She used to have swimming lessons but once she reached academy level she decided she'd had enough.

At 13 their brains are still developing and in my opinion sleep is very important. She's top set in maths English and science so maybe her 8.5/9 hours sleep is paying off

God. My mother did this to me. It was horrific and completely centred around what she wanted, not my needs. Forcing me to turn my light off at 8pm when I was 13 or 14 when I couldn't sleep until at least 10pm. I had to use the streetlight outside my window to read books. Don't do this to your child.

I think at that age I'd center the conversation around what you would like to do a couple of nights of week. For example, that you would like to read (or whatever your hobby is) for an hour, so DC are welcome to do something quietly or go to their room as you're focusing.