Why get married?

[Needmynailsdone]

So have been with my partner 16 years. Childhood sweethearts, 2 kids under 2, early 30s. I see a lot of discourse online about why we should be married and why it’s stupid to have kids with someone you’re not married to, but aside from pension / life insurance stuff (which I’m the nominated beneficiary for), I don’t really understand the need. We both quite like the idea of it, it’s just generally not come up yet as we’ve been busy travelling, working on our careers and now the babies. What were your reasons for wanting to get married?

Do you work OP? Or if on maternity do you have a job to go back to?

😂😂😂 at " just a girlfriend " comments.
No. I'm his equal.
I'm not "his wife"
I did not need his financial support or security.
I did not or do not need marriage to feel, secure or supported.
I'm secure in my self both financially & emotionally

On mat leave. I earn more than him and always have - but not by much, just a few thousand.

Who would you / he want to make decisions for you if you were unable to do so? Because that's next of kin, which is each other if you're married but parents / siblings /adult children if you're not.

Do you have a will in place? Because if one of you died then all assets belonging to that person go to the next of kin, i.e. not you if you aren't married and there's no will.

There's a lot of things that seem like they'll never happen. But if they did, what would the consequences of not being married be for you?

@Needmynailsdone

OK: borderline but erring towards no. If you’re going back to work and planning on advancing in your career and particularly if you earn more than him I wouldn’t get married.

Mumsnet tends to default to advising people to get married in all cases because on the whole men earn more than women but the reality is that if you’re financially self sufficient it’s usually a bad idea. Keep your money: you may need to go it alone.

If people distrust or dislike their next of kin so much that the thought of them having any ability to make decisions should you be incapacitated there are ways to have your wishes recorded, same with inheritance, pensions etc. I'm not against marriage, but for some people they stand to lose more than they would ever gain beyond the emotional benefits.

Get married otherwise you need a will and everything watertight equal financially. You also need to consider the worst case scenarios - long term sickness, change of financial circumstances, divorce for example and how that might play out if you were married/ not married.

That's why I asked what would the consequences be, and whether there was a will in place.

It was things to think about when considering it, rather than an instruction to get married. If I wasn't married, my parents would default to DH anyway, given he's the one who's lived with me the last two decades. But not everyone's would and not everyone's would necessarily know their wishes.

There are benefits: wills/IHT etc to being married but if a woman earns more than a man these are unlikely to outweigh the benefits of ringfencing your earnings. But it really depends on your career plans. If you value your career and want to earn more you shouldn’t do it.

Fundamentally, to make that commitment to each other that we are family.

You can do that without being married. Marriage is a financial contract. It won’t automatically enhance your relationship or family life. Do it if you need to for financial reasons but don’t kid yourself it will sprinkle magic fairy dust over your life.

Youre missing the point I was making.

The person you've lived with for 20 years is in hospital, Youre not legally married.

His or her Parents will have rights over the ill person,you don't as a girlfriend.

the reality is that if you’re financially self sufficient it’s usually a bad idea.

It depends. My bloke’s pension is way better than mine despite me earning more for most of our married life. If we weren’t married I wouldn’t get a survivor’s pension if he dies - and I’d be stuffed.

Of course everyone’s experiences are different, and that is fine. For me, however, being married enhanced my relationship and family life a lot. It meant that my DH and I became much more a “team” in terms of major life decisions - financial and otherwise. I don’t think I would have felt that way to the same degree without being married.

Did it after 19 years together, purely to make things easier when one of us dies. Registry office on a weekday morning, 2 witnesses, no rings, no name changes, don't even bother telling people unless it's relevant.

Edit: you can make things straightforward after death without marriage, but it's more hassle, and you won't benefit from the inheritance tax rules.

Also - it's made zero difference to our every day lives.

I understand anyone saying this and everyone on here saying they earn well or outearn their partner. That was me, then in the space of a couple of years my health tanked and I was diagnosed with a life limiting condition with no cure. I had to stop working almost 20 years ago. Never assume that your life will continue on the same course it currently is.

catandcoffee · Today 18:29
So you're just a girlfriend then.
What rights would you have as a girlfriend, say he's hospitalised ?

im not sure what you mean hospitalised? I’m not married. Even though Iv been with my l partner 24 years. The past year, I have had two major operations and he’s my next of kin. The surgeon phoned him after my operation. My will is all
sorted as his is too. Everything is down on paper what needs to be. Also I’m not just a girlfriend.

The surgeons called me, named as his NOK on hospital paperwork. They did not call any of his relatives.

But if his closest blood relative walked in and disputed a decision, it would cause issues.

The person you split up with is not the person your with right now right now he’s your partner and he’s happy with you

but if you split he may find someone else / or you may split because he’s found someone else and then you may have a 3rd party encouraging him /telling what he should do

many men can and do walk away from their wife and kids without a backward thought
they often only want 50 b-50 as it can reduce child support to 0

They often begrudge paying child support as they see it going to their ex and not the kids even though it’s all one pot

They often begrudge having to give their wife possibly 60 -70 percent of the family assets
And they definitely begrudge having to share their pension that many see as theirs especially if its one they have had for years

but they are married and it’s a legal contract and so they can’t just do what they want and say fuck you - leave now they signed a legal contract and their are certain laws that are followed

( although some do exactly what they want and get away with it )

if your not married then your partner can walk away pay child support ( if your lucky ) and that’s it he has no obligation to support you or give you anything extra financially

he hasn’t got to share his pension or any savings or any more than what is on the deeds of the house you own

So If you split right now would 50 percent of the equity be enough to buy you a house to house you and your kids in the same area

would it be enough to buy him out
could you afford to buy him out if all you got was 50 percent of the equity

if you were married you might get 60 or 70 percent and if so would that mean you could buy a house - or buy him out

being married could be the difference between 10 -20 percent more and having secure housing
you can negotiate more equity in exchange for less of his pension or not touching it

you can’t do any of this if your just a girlfriend which is what you are right now you have very very little rights as a girlfriend

and many men know this and once they have kids they aren’t interested in getting married as it often isn’t in their best financial interest to do so .

Ok I’m generalizing here but every day there is a thread on here about someone who isn’t married and is about to get fucked over financially

Even if you are married there are no guarantees that you won’t get screwed financially especially if you have been a SAHM or you live in a high cost area for housing but it could mean the difference between being totally screwed and just being a little bit screwed financially if your married

I don’t like that marriage remains so important, but unfortunately it does. If DP is in a hospital you are not his legal next of kin. Without power of attorney the doctors would not be able to tell you anything about his condition, or you sign any consent for surgery, treatments, organ donation, anything. Imagine as a woman in her 30s who has been with him for almost two decades and has 2 children with the man having to call his mum or dad to get their permission to decide the best medical course of action if he is unable to.
There are ways around this, like cohabitation agreements, legal power of attorney, mirror wills etc. But there will always be one thing you didn’t think of until it was too late. As others have said even inheritance tax. You aren’t thinking of that at 30 but it matters. As do joint financial assets in the case of a relationship breakdown. It’s easy to feel positively now, but relationships can and do end. Protect yourself and your children. A marriage contract is for the divorce, not the happily ever after.

We are also early 30s and got married this year after 15 years together and have two kids, 11 and 2. We’d both always been kind of ambivalent about getting married, we’d like to have done it but it was just not a priority. After second DC was born (this took years of trying and a number of losses) it felt like our family was complete and getting married would be the cherry on the cake. So we booked a small registry wedding for immediate friends and family (22 people) and the smallest reception room in a very nice Michelin pub near us afterwards.

It was the most perfect day. It was stress free and everybody there was so happy for us. We stood in front of everyone we loved including our children and promised to stay together forever, for better or worse. And I don’t know what it is but since then our relationship feels different, stronger and more secure. We are happier than we’ve ever been.

Obviously there are legal benefits also which might be useful at some point but for now I am just so happy to be his wife.

This is genuinely lovely! Congrats x

We got married because culturally for us it's the deepest commitment you can make, I guess.

If your going part time / being a SAHM
reducing your earnings while your partner carry’s on getting promotions and pay rises

you should get married - your taking a financial hit by having kids / maternity leave especially if you go part time
you may earn more atm but you won’t if you go part time

my niece and her partner bought a house a few years ago deposit was hers from her previous house
around 80k deposit
she didn’t do a deed of trust to protect her deposit as they were planning on getting married
he had I think 10k and was going to use that to do work on the house that needed doing which he did do .

however my niece wanted a big Insta type wedding and he refused saying it was a waste of money 😂

then they had a baby and she went part-time ( she is a teacher )

so she said ok small wedding is fine her partner refused and said getting married is no longer a priority to him

They are now splitting up and she has to give him half of her 80k deposit and half of the equity in the house which is around 40k / 20k each

so she gets around 60k and same for him
she said even with her 60k she probably won’t be able to afford to buy as she now works part time so she is moving back in with her parents while she decides what to do

had she of been married she would have probably got more plus he has a good pension so she might have been able to negotiate some of that and keep the house

But even if she had done a deed of trust for her 80k she would have an extra 20k equity so would have been 40k better off than she is right now