Why get married?

[Needmynailsdone]

So have been with my partner 16 years. Childhood sweethearts, 2 kids under 2, early 30s. I see a lot of discourse online about why we should be married and why it’s stupid to have kids with someone you’re not married to, but aside from pension / life insurance stuff (which I’m the nominated beneficiary for), I don’t really understand the need. We both quite like the idea of it, it’s just generally not come up yet as we’ve been busy travelling, working on our careers and now the babies. What were your reasons for wanting to get married?

If one of you has an annual income below the limit for income tax you can transfer the unused part of your allowance to your spouse. You cannot do it if you're not married.

That amounts literally to a fiver a week. It’s hardly an incentive to get married. It would take you a couple of years to recoup your investment.

Mainly financial reasons, especially if you have two small children.
"Childhood sweethearts" could mean nothing one day.
If not married, you could just as well be a single mother.
I wouldn't willingly put myself through such insecurity, although I don't have kids.
Married for 20 years, practical reasons purely.

Yes. I've known situations like this and it's very sad for their partners, whose opinion is disregarded. Even decisions like whether to turn off life support will go to your partner's relatives, not you, if you're not married

Ah, you've just had babies.

Maybe your relationship and career are an egalitarian ideal, but for many if not most women over the years, motherhood impacts their earning power. Going part time, not taking the promotion that means a longer commute, missing out on a better role because your sleep deprived and had nits during the interview :)

That difference widens over time. In 20 years he might outearn you and have a bigger pension. You're relying on goodwill if you think he'd share pension, property, savings etc if you break up. Goodwill is not so strong if someone's run off with someone else/had a mid life crisis/etc.

You can also have a situation like children with additional needs that place huge pressure on a relationship. Unmarried, there's scope for dad to leg it and leave you on benefits with nothing but child support peanuts from him.

The most dramatic situations on here are women who've helped in partner's business, raised kids and kept house, get dumped in 50s with no work history, savings, property or pension (or even state pension entitlement).

I think marriage doesn't glue you together but if you want to do without it, you need to make financial arrangements that are roughly equivalent, which is more expensive and more faff than paying £80 or whatever for a marriage licence. You don't have to refer to yourselves as married or even tell anyone.

It’s just really interesting to me because nobody ever taught me why it might be an important legal matter or something to sort out - more of a romantic, aspirational Instagram kind of thing or a personal choice that reflected commitment. The finance / legality stuff went right over my head. We both earn similar amounts - I actually earn a bit more, so money’s never been an issue in our relationship.

As lots of people have said, when everything is all fine and good, to some people it's 'just a formality' that they may not feel they need to prove their commitment to each other. But life is unpredictable and it's when things are not good that the protection of being married makes sense.

That being said, I genuinely felt it was different - my now DH and I had been together 6 years when we got married, we'd already been living together for most of that time, we knew we were committed etc but the marriage part still felt very special, and still does, for us it did feel like something special and important over and above being 'partners' or boyfriend/girlfriend. That's just us and everyone is different. But the legal protections are important in the, hopefully not, event of something bad happening to one or other of you.

For us it was about mostly about taxes and visas. And DH earns far more than I did so I wanted a legal right to share his money, especially as I wanted to be a sahm.

Just to provide balance: I should never have got married. I had assets and he had nothing. I have a significant private pension and he has made no provision whatsoever. Our marriage is ending and I’m completely screwed. I would be happy to give him half the equity in our house but technically he’s entitled to half of everything. It kills me that the career I have that has paid the bills and resulted in a decent pension will be lost to him on divorce. I know it’s my own fault but I was sidetracked by love etc. People, me included, see it romantically but it’s so much more than that. I wish to god I’d taken proper advice before marrying

I'm a girlfriend, and a baby mamma, and in 7 weeks of hospitalisation and several operations noone has treated me differently from a wife.

Okay guys, buy a hat! You’ve convinced me 😂

Just read the number of posts on the divorce / separated board from unmarried women with children who in separation realise they have absolutely no financial rights on separation.

Apart from making a commitment in front of your family & friends….

Marriage can have many financial benefits, including:

Married couples can benefit from tax breaks and exemptions.

Marriage allowance - a non-taxpayer can transfer up to £1,260 of their Personal Allowance to their spouse, reducing their annual tax bill by up to £252

Spouses can transfer assets between them without incurring capital gains tax. If your partner dies - you will have to pay CGT on his share.

Married couples can benefit from reduced inheritance tax rates.

Pension benefits - when your boyfriend dies you aren’t entitled to any of his pension. Married couples - their pension continues after they die

If either spouse doesn't qualify for their own Social Security benefits, they can receive the other spouse's benefits

Married couples may have better access to credit.

Personally I still can’t believe women have children with a man & don’t get married (and I say this as someone never interested in marriage and I didn’t get married until my 50’s). You are leaving yourself in a very risky position if the relationship goes wrong.

How would you know? You have no experience of being treated as a wife.

Might be different at end of life. Sorry, it just is. It's not about the strength of your relationship but your standing in law at that time, what information is shared and when decisions have to be made. Unless tied up legally by you both (marriage or otherwise) you could find yourself very much sidelined. I wasn't in that position, but have seen it happen.

I wouldn't if I were you!

Personally I still can’t believe women have children with a man & don’t get married (and I say this as someone never interested in marriage and I didn’t get married until my 50’s). You are leaving yourself in a very risky position if the relationship goes wrong.

If the woman has less money/assets and/or gives up work or reduces their hours ergo their income as well as future earning power, sure. Do you believe all women that have children are in that position though?

@Needmynailsdone I got married over 30 years ago. It was the thing to do. I was then the higher earner and had significant capital and we had a pre-nup.

I'd have been happy to pop to the register office. DH wanted the white wedding and his family were deeply religious.

I cannot begin to explain the spiritual bond that arose from making promises before God and receiving his blessing. It made it very significant. It was a marriage not a wedding.

It’s not necessarily the earning power - when I got married, we were equal earners but it’s a heterosexual relationship - I was the one who could physically have children and breastfeed them so I was the one who took maternity leaves and the associated hit to my career. I’m all for equality and would consider myself a feminist but realistically if you want any kids, unless you adopt or use surrogacy, someone has to take the time to have them!

The answer to this question basically depends on whether you work and have your own money or not.

If you don’t work or earn significant less than your partner marriage gives you rights to a share of household money in the event that you split up. Which is incredibly useful if this happens. In this situation it would be wise to get married.

If you work or have private income and particularly if you earn more money than him it’s a bad idea to get married because he could take money away from the household in the event of a split.

Other people will say it gives you stability and commitment etc. I don’t believe in any of that I just see it as a legal contract pure and simple.

Whether it makes sense for you will depend primarily on your financial situation. Do it or don’t do it depending on that. Don’t do it for “love” or because you feel you ought to.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

It’s one of those things that for some people it doesn’t make a difference, but for other people it makes a massive difference when the shit hits the fan.

While you might never split up, being married can make things easier if he’s one of the “what Steve? No way!!” types who shocks everyone by running off with a 19yo, or who has an affair with a close friend.

Certain things being automatic (or almost so) when someone dies makes life that bit easier at the worst time. Same with being the automatic person the hospital or hospice speaks to first. And that kind of thing at a shit time shouldn’t be underestimated.

Wills can be changed. Pension beneficiaries can be changed. The protections offered by married haven’t changed much for a very long time and for many people they’re worth the trip to get wed

You can also backdate the Married tax allowance by 5 years. We got a nice little rebate.

That could very easily changed if their parent or adult child, as examples, got involved and objected.

If your partner is fit enough on admittance to nominate you it tends to be fine. If they’re not it can get very messy.

I imagine I am much older than many on this thread but it was fundamental to me to be married before having children. If my partner didn't have the commitment to marry me, I cannot compite how they would have sufficient commitment to any children arising from the union.

Ok fair point. I didn't miss out on anything because we weren't married.

But I'd be the first to advocate considering marriage in my/OP's circumstances (or before pregnancy) for some of the reasons listed by other posters.