Smoking

[Mummystrawb]

hello,

looking for some advice with concern over my 1yo being exposed to secondhand/third hand smoke.

my baby will be going to my in laws a day a week when I return to work soon but I’ve noticed when we’re at their house their son/daughter will stand at the door having a cigarette with all of the smoke blowing back into the house where my baby is. I mentioned this to my boyfriend to suggest he approach the topic with his parents but he was obviously not going to volunteer to have this conversation. How do I get across to them how important it is that they close the door and smoke outside so she isn’t exposed?

I also have an issue with his relatives who smoke touching her face when they have cigarette smoke on their hands. I feel like they’ve done it for so long now it would be tricky to mention it, but I feel so guilty when they do it.

lastly, most of his side of the family smoke in their homes, so obviously all of their clothes/belongings have a strong smell of smoke, all of the toys/books they have gifted her for Christmas really stink of smoke, but I know my partner will say I’m being unreasonable if I was to get rid of them. Is there a way to properly clean them so that the chemicals won’t be harmful to her?

thanks.

You could disinfect the toys, the books will probably smell of smoke forever though.

If its awkward for you to have a conversation about not exposing your baby to smoke then I would suggest not using them for childcare, this is a major health issue for your baby, and you can't have the conversation, what will happen when they do other things you don't like?

You shouldn’t send your baby into that house for care. They can’t be trusted to protect your child. They know smoking is bad. They know exposing a baby to smoke is awful, they don’t care. Having a conversation isn’t going to solve the problem. Their home will be contaminated with smoke. Even if they step outside to smoke while the baby is present, they will return with it clinging to themselves and then hold your child.

Are you paying your inlaws for this day?

If not then put up and shut up I'm afraid!

Or pay someone to look after your child in just the way you want. This is a suitable alternative

What you don't do is get free childcare then call the shots to this extent.

If I was doing you a favour like this (which they are) and you tried to dictate what I should and shouldn't do in my own home to that extent (it's not like they're smoking in your PFBs face, they're at the backdoor ffs) then I'd be telling you where to go.

You need to find alternative childcare.

Surely spending time with their grandchild is a privilege not a favour? I’d happily pay for them to go to nursery instead but my partner wants his mum to get to spend time with her

Offering you free childcare is a privilege? Blimey.

Yes they should be so lucky you're being so gracious.

They're saving you money, it's a favour.

See I don’t understand people like you. I never sent my children to fanily etc because I wouldn’t be happy with things like this. I paid for childcare, yes it was hellish paying all that out but it sat right with me.

I honestly think more families need to take responsibility for their own children and their care.

It’s not saving us any money as the 15 free hours childcare would cover the fees…

In which case in your position I'd get a nursery to do it.

No babysitting your child every week for free childcare is not a privilege at all.

But it's a privilege!

You can’t ask someone not to smoke at the door of their own home to suit your childcare. If you’re not comfortable with it, use alternative childcare.

Apparently so lol

It's a massive favour to you.

However if you see it as a favour to them to allow them to babysit(🤔) then you absolutely need to clarify all the rules beforehand.

If they don't abide by the rules, then don't do the favour.

Spending time with her is very different to a days worth of childcare. Childcare means you aren’t there and they can do what they want. You need to be able to trust them. Send her to nursery, is my best suggestion.

If he wants his mum to spend time with her he can take her to visit or his mum can visit with you. It doesn’t have to be one on one in their smoke filled house, especially if that’s not what you’re comfortable with.

You can try putting anything small made of fabric or paper in a sealed bag of oats, which might help to absorb the smell of smoke. Mix in some baking soda, too, as long as it’s not going to get clogged into the surface (so I wouldn’t use baking soda with furry toys, but should be okay with books). Leave the items in the bag for at least a week. Make sure the items are dry when you put them in, and take them outside for a good shake when you remove them from the bag.

You and baby’s dad need to get on the same page about this issue. I suggest you ask him to read up on advice about babies and secondhand smoke, and then talk this through with him. But if he’s not willing to support your position, that’s going to make things difficult. (I agree with you 100%, by the way.)

If you want free childcare, you have to out up with how that house runs. You can't dictate anything.

If you don't like it, pay for childcare and have a voice.

Agree your position, but the household isn't going to change because your child is there unless they say it is.

This whole thing is so precious, I actually think I may have grown up on a different planet to a lot of mumsnetters, life will be very hard if anyone worries about things like this, I mean Jesus, try being a kid in the 1980s, even the bloody cat smoked indoors 😂!

If you want them to get to know your child, meet them regularly in places smoking is not allowed. Don’t just hand over your baby and hope for the best.

I did grow up in the 80's and lots of my family smoked. Lots of my cousins have asthma.

Ok

I'd go to your GP and ask about it - then say "my GP says xyz" so you can blame it on them and also block any arguments about you being too sensitive or whatever. You're right to worry about it.

Then pay for childcare

And go and see the in-laws with the baby so you can monitor what happens

I don’t think there’s very much you can do about toys. Maybe try washing teddies etc in the washing machine with detol laundry stuff then tumble dry. I definitely wouldn’t send her to their house. Could your mil come to yours and look after her there?

Sorry but no.

Asking people not to smoke around a child is absolutely okay and I say this as an ex smoker.

Relatives looking after your child for free does NOT mean you can’t ask for basic decency such as not smoking at an open door around your baby. It is not a hardship to go outside with a closed door and wash hands before touching a child.