Adult daughter abusive again. Finally had enough

[BeingMeFinallySlowly]

I have 3 children 2 daughters and a son. The eldest has mostly for the last 15 years played a victim and has a sense of entitlement. Has every mental health and neurodivergent going and none diagnosed.
Two of her 4 children are in foster care and I see them regular. They are settled in a family fc home with 2 other children. Been with this placement 3 years.
I've always faught her corner and social services but recently it's clicked they are really lucky and settled . So i lick nack andnjust be grandma instead of 15 years of advocate, protector and privider and ive paid thousands in debts and got my self in debts.
Cried an ocean of tears.
Took her manipulation and abuse for 15 years. In-between the abuse she can be nice but no way able to parent 😔 sadly. She talks to her fiance like poo and did her ex too and the 1 before that.
She never hurts her toe, all 5 toes will be broken, she won't have a headache she'll want a sitter for a mograine, she's not tired she's got undiagnosed chronic fatigue.
The list is endless and recently a fire of abuse again after I've constantly been there. This time it's all my fault and no accountability at all. Shes 39 ! Always chooses lads in their 20s as someone her age would tell her to do one when she screams at them.
I'm 62 and had enough aibu. She's been saying all the things the courts ordered her to do I need todo because I need it more than her and I'm living in denial.
For me I said sorry if you feel hurt but it's not enough. She's call me narcissistic. I don't want to go into a new year listening to her crap to be honest. One day she will need to pull up her big knickers take responsibility and grow up. Live within her means and stop blaming the world.
I've allowed this I know. I take accountability for some but need it to stop. She has supervised access but wants me to help her get unsupervised. Her sons are 14 and 11. Dear souls who play footy with their foster family and love books.
I feel guilty feeling this way but totally had enough. I'm to the point of simply be a nanny amd encourage the home placement and take a complete step back.

Excuse spelling I can't find edit

She's very very much a grown up and needs to take accountability for her full actions, you sounds like you could do with stepping right back and just advocate for what's in the kids actual best interests and enjoy being grandma to them.

Glad two are settled with foster care, what's it like for the other two?

I was exhausted reading about her

Do not facilitate the unsupervised contact - she’s a menace and will say god knows what to those kids if not supervised by a professional

Personally I’d cut her off for a few weeks just to get a bit of peace!!!

People do seem the "narcissist" term around with reckless abandon. You sound very far from it after all you've tried for her but there has to come a point where you start saying no.

She is ok with the other 2 particularly the youngest and leaves nappy changing to her partner. I still send clothes for them but neither work because they manage to get every benefit going.
What's hard is she's very academic. Knows and used to work and be tidier and cleaner.
The car stinks and isn't fit for the road. She's been given a wonderful home and it's already cluttered and dirty.
Her language is disgusting and she will call me narcissistic and gaslighting and denial and stomp her feet. Her partner let's her scream because he's 23. He says she needs to let it out.
I dread her visit or the minute the phone pings and cry before I finish the message. I do now sometimes not even read it fully or mute her for 8 hours.

Don't feel guilty. You are putting your grandchildrens needs first and that is a wonderful thing.

I don’t know why the second person to post has to quote the OP. Ridiculous.

I am unsure what this means sorry

It was the OP , wind your neck in

Cut her off. She sounds vile.

I don't understand why her partner is getting benefits if he is a healthy adult, the government shouldn't be paying out to people who are fit to work. All you can do is refuse to give her any more money, so she knows you can't keep bailing her out.

Of course it’s not ridiculous, she’s probably not been here long enough to know you get slaughtered for quoting an original post if it’s a long one.

They get an awful lot of money in benefits and she claims he and her friend are her carers. She diesnt need carers as she's lazy and untidy. Of to Portugal again by spending the children's money while sitter has the boys.
I've had enough and I feel awful for saying it.

I feel for you OP. It must be exhausting. It sounds impossible to 'fix' so I think the only thing you can do is to step back.

Oh sorry I was just apologising for my spellings

How has she got the younger two full time? Why won’t she change nappies etc it’s bare basic parenting. Do you honestly think she should have the children op or do you think the younger two should be in foster care too?

Lack of basic care needs and Safeguarding concerns is why I called it in in the
first place. Obviously she has gone through a lot and there is a bigger picture but I am feeling there comes a time when you have to wind it up and be a grown up.
The younger two are ok. In front of gadgets a lot but ok.

Honestly OP I think you should seriously consider reporting her to social services what kind of environment are the younger two exposed to if she’s screaming and shouting at people and living in mess and clutter. You need to stop enabling her now and put the grandchildren first I know you support the older two but the younger two really shouldn’t be with her from what you’ve written. Take a step back and do everything you can to work with social services to ensure that the other two have the best support. She doesn’t sound like she’s parenting them at all.

So she’s just letting them sit in front of screens all day and not being a parent? The more you write the worse it gets. I think you need to step back.

Thank you for your honesty

She is an adult and accountable for her own behaviour. However, with her saying you take no accountability I wonder if she has experienced trauma or poor parenting from you which has led to her mental health issues and you are dismissing it. If that is the case, you acknowledging that, talking it through and apologising could go a very long way in her being able to start healing. That could have a really positive impact on her, her children and other family members, including yourself, who are affected by her behaviour.

Considering the fact that the 2 eldest are settled, thriving whilst she shows little to no improvement; it's in their best interest that the arrangements stay as is. All you can and should do is be honest about the situation to any professionals that ask. But I get the impression that without you making arrangements for her to get unsupervised nothing will happen as she won't take the initiative herself, put the work in or pay any related expenses.
As to the smaller 2, they probably wouldn't be taken from her as from what you describe they have a functional parent ( their dad) and have their basic care needs met.
I think you may want to think about what a continued relationship with her looks like, be it grey rock techniques, lowering contact or going no contact.

She says she has and I've apologised she feels that way. Her siblings say they had a great childhood. She says it was awful.
She's been ordered for intensive therapy assessment again before she can see the boys unsupervised and her partners boys and I believe you leave the past and learn from it and move forward and forgive those who hurt you and forgive yourself as you can't undo the things that have past but you can make sure you don't take it in to the future. She feels I should have to the assessment and intensive therapy to and I believed I did. But had talking therapies and the first one wasn't for me but the second was amazing and good to have someone for my space.
I do relate as it's probably why we clash in some ways. Yet this about children yes, ss yes but also about a woman who is nearly 40 who just won't take any whatsoever accountability

Are social services monitoring her parenting of the other two? Surely they must be?

And yes, you absolutely need to step back. She will break you if this continues. Try to just enjoy being grandma to the older two, and yes, be honest with any professionals who approach you.

Can you block her on alternate days at least, just so that you can have 50% of your life not having her on your mind?

Does she have any addiction issues OP? She sounds like a few people i know in my life who are all addicts, they blame the world for their problems and are forever the victim despite ruining everyone's lives around them. I'm glad the older children are okay and I agree you should stop being her safety net and take a step back. There comes a time when you have to be an adult and take responsibility for the children you have and she needs to get off her ass and sort her life out before she losses the other children. Don't blame yourself either she is well capable of seeking help and sorting her life out x